Irresponsible husband who wants a way out of marriage
sa11223344
(Querist) 04 February 2014
This query is : Resolved
Hi,
Let me first give a brief fact about the entire case before i proceed to ask for the main question:
1) 2010 October i was in the midst of a divorce through mutual agreement with my first husband. Unlike others i had categorically mentioned to him that there is someone that i am seeing and i would like to know if he still wants to work on our marriage or wants me to move on. I moved on after his answer to the affirmative.
2) I moved in with my current husband in Jan 2011, my hearing was up for may 30 2011 and i shifted base to Bangalore from pune.
3) My current husband turned out to be quite a jealous and possessive person who had immense lack of trust in me. Add to that he would have sudden mood swings and temper tantrums. He would at times try to hurt me by mentioning harsh statements about muslims since my ex husband was from that religion, however with others there was no such statements. We have had quite a few disagreements and he would try to make himself emotionally unavailable in this relationship.
4) September 2011 i went into full blown depression as i was divorced, had no familial support and was in a job that i found difficult to focus on because of the emotional turmoil i was going through and in between all this my husband who i was having a live in with just threw me out of the house. Simply because i called up my ex husband to find out if i was really emotionally unstable like the way he was putting it. my previous marriage was plainly socially isolated so i had neither my family supporting me nor his!he only person who has seen me closely. Which i honestly told my husband but he accused me of using him as a band aid and sleeping behind his back. Neither of which ever happened. No friends so he was the has threatened to throw me out of the house several times both when we had a live and when we were married.
5)In dec 2011 i decided to call off the relationship as I had faced enough humiliation with my family side and socially as well and he came back in feb asking me to give a second chance, again it was all about him and nothing about my side. So he did not even end up meeting my parents telling me that respect is earned. It messed up a lot many things for me socially and i just kept quiet so that i do not face more embarrassment. But this led me to have immense anxiety, hurt and humiliation, as it was more of a selfish relationship. the name calling yelling and taunts just hurt me no end and if i cried it was labelled as emotionally unstable.
6) finally we got married on dec 3 2012 and my family opted to stay out as they felt it wasn't the right person for me. After wedding also my husband went on socially coaching me during our honeymoon, would threaten me that he will leave me and find someone else to warm his bed and i am not the end of this world for him. I did explain the fact that this is my second marriage and i cannot afford a divorce but he did not bother about it. In the end we fought and again the same threats to throw me out followed.
7)by this time i was suffering from chronic anger and i just sent him a divorce petition which was drafted with all his accusations because i was so emotionally exhausted and weak. He was in the uk and somehow his family stepped in and convinced me to stay back. But it was the same inability to help me with my emotional well being. I don't expect him to daddy me but most of our disagreements were never addressed, they always got swept under the carpet. IF i have any issues that hurt me or any vulnerabilities i had, he would use it during fights to hurt me back.
8)In the uk i ended up feeling suicidal because of his abusive words and statements and he would provoke me to react further like talking sex when i am charged or playing with his genitals in an argument.For the first one month i harmed myself and after that when things got unbearable i slapped him and name called him just the way he did, he has also beated me up and called much more nastier names and then gone and told one sided story to his family. I couldn't take it anymore.We came back to India and he provoked me to leave him which he now conveniently tells me that i left him in may 2013
9) i met a counselor in India who helped me address my issues and diagnosed me with having issues of anxiety, anger and abandonment. Had to happen because he would make statements that caused me to feel low about myself or embarrass me or actually threaten me to throw me out. I went back in July 2013 and he kept pushing me back. In the end he took me back but the same behavior continued. Asking me to get lost or threatening me to divorce him and stuff. In the end he started getting physical with me even when i do not touch him. I brought this up with him before going to the uk this December 2013 and he yelled back saying my counselor is a bitch who doesn't know both sides of the story.
10) i went and joined in the uk but the way he mistreated me or made hurtful statements i was bitter, things were still unresolved and i was pushing for counselling for which he did not even make an effort to go, just words thats all. In the end we had an altercation in the uk where he provoked me by calling names which went on to a full blown fight and in the end i reported him to the police. He came back whistling that night and i felt something snapping in my head that this man is beyond repair. The next morning i asked him to come to bed and sleep as it was cold there and he had an asthama attack a week ago and he started collar pulling me and calling em nasty names. I warned him thrice not to touch me and he continued failing which i called the police and got him arrested. He was released as he lied to the police and said he acted in self defence. BUt i had to vacate his premises because the house agreement was only in his name. And in the uk stay is based on agreements unlike in india. So i had to vacate overnight and go with a friend and in the meantime he just ran off to india without informing me.
11) In all this i feel violated, abused , humiliated and really feel abandoned. Because he used my helplessness to his advantage. I have already informed his family that i will be filing a case of domestic violence and harassment.
12) I do not feel like divorcing him, because my perception of a marriage is traditional. I want to know if he can be compelled to take up counselling which i know will greatly improve things for him, i do not mind getting corrected by a counsellor as i am aware even i could be wrong at places. Also would filing for a restitution of conjugal rights be a better idea? I know my husband is a bit irresponsible and thoughtless so he would want to divorce em under any circumstaces. Please guide me on this.
ajay sethi
(Expert) 04 February 2014
you can file complaint under Dv act against your husband . in DV cases matter is referred to counselor to enable parties to resolve their differences .
you can file for RCR if you want to stay with him . if he keeps on destroying your self esteem and is abusive by nature divorce would be a better idea .
sa11223344
(Querist) 04 February 2014
but you do understand the stigma and blame that i would have to face... Whatever i try to explain falls on deaf ears!
ajay sethi
(Expert) 04 February 2014
you have been unlucky in your marriage . since you dont want divorce file for RCR
sa11223344
(Querist) 04 February 2014
Thanks for the guidance. Are there any possible pitfalls in filing the same that i should be aware of?
Rajendra K Goyal
(Expert) 04 February 2014
In RCR, Court may decide in your favor but can not force your husband to live with you.
sa11223344
(Querist) 04 February 2014
So how does that work? If he decides to stay separate then will he be able to divorce me? Or is it possible to stay away and still be married? I have been harassed so much by this and the way he is arrogant thinking he can do anything with me and i wouldn't have a chance to fight back that it is making me stubborn. The more he presses or accuses me the more i feel determined not to divorce. I sincerely tried to work this out and after letting him know that its my second and the way he played with me, i feel a sense of injustice that i am unable to let go of.
V R SHROFF
(Expert) 04 February 2014
RCR is useless for u.; as u don't want to use it's result, for Divorce.
file DV.
ajay sethi
(Expert) 04 February 2014
the querist wants to save her marriage . does not want divorce . hence RCR
Advocate. Arunagiri
(Expert) 04 February 2014
Whether to get divorce or want to live together is your persona decision. Once you decide you can come to us to for your legal queries based on your need.
sa11223344
(Querist) 09 March 2014
Hi Can anyone tell me if I can get my husband's employer to deport him to india as i have got to know he is in the uk currently. Kindly let me know what to do.. As i want him to work on this and he thinks he is beyond reach and hence safe in the uk
sa11223344
(Querist) 09 March 2014
Hi Can anyone tell me if I can get my husband's employer to deport him to india as i have got to know he is in the uk currently. Kindly let me know what to do.. As i want him to work on this and he thinks he is beyond reach and hence safe in the u
