Marriage on rocks
Kumarsirik
(Querist) 02 August 2013
This query is : Resolved
Dear Panel.
We married in 2008, second marriage for both of us. Many unpleasant strains have been an hallmark of our relationship, though interspersed with some wonderful and cherishable moments.
Ever since I married I noticed signs of erratic, irrational, manipulative and aggressive behaviour inlcudes the trauma meted out to the servants due to her tantrums.
I am also wrong in few aspects. When I did not conceive in my first marriage I got myself tested and found my sperm count was low. Due to cirmcumstances that were detrimental to the family prestige, we had to divorce, way back in 2002. I later underwent an ayurved treatment and my condition improved. My lifestyle and job profile creates enormous stress and on successive recordings I found my sperm count was vaciliating from good to bad. The doctor advised that this is normal given my personal conditions. I then opted for a second marriage and my mistake was that I did not consider divulging this information to her. I later underwent, after my second marriage, a varicocele surgery and 5 months down the line my sperm count was 60 million with 90 percent motility.
She is now blackmailing me in to a legal action as she feels she is decieved. I fully understand her point. Incidentally, for last 4 years she has been having irregular periods and in last 2 years not a single cycle. Her hormones are gone haywire. She finally, managed to steal my reports and hide hers.
She is harrassing me by not cooking food for months, not attending family functions, not allowing me to check her if she misbehaves with servants, recording unparliamentary language I would have used due to fit of anger caused due to extreme provocations. She keeps haranguing about my parents and other family members. On some ocassions she even created a raucus during family gatherings by picking up a petty quarrel with me. These incidents put all our relatives on the defensive and they started maintaining a distance with her.
Recent times she left my home without intimation since I had to plan a 3 day business trip without she accompanying me.
I took her to a counselor a year ago and they assessed us thoroughly before arriving at a decision that she probably is suffering from bipolar disorder.
She managed to estrange me from my parents and also on telephone calls with relatives spoke nasty things about my mother. My parents decided we stay away from them and visit them on festivals and weekends. i always was alone and unaccompanied by her during family gatherings. She alleges that I have an affair with my younger brother's wife. This is one point that I could not control my anger and uttered expletives.
I refrained from intercourse for long durations and we did not talk for few months due to disturbed emotional state.
She alleges that I am impotent. I reckon I am as normal as anyone else. All that I requested her to restore intimacy is to create an ambience. She is dead against any foreplay a man needs for arousal. I cannot agree that I have a libido issue. She called me an eunuch several times. On few of the occassions we have had good sex she cried no sooner she reached orgasm by recollecting something I have done or said during the day and trust me on harmless things.
Recently, I had to get my passport renewed on a urgent business travel and requiring her to sign an affidavit in support of our marital status. She refused to sign and I lost my job at a senior management level on account of my personal situation.
I filed a petition with the police to help me in restoring our marital relationship. This I had to resort to as my attempts to discuss our relationship with her family always ended up in they insulting us. They claim they have strong evidence against me to take a strong action against me and my family of origin.
The police promised to arrange for a marital counseling coming Monday.
My parents are aged, retired academecians and ailing with severe heart problems. We are living in constant dread that our family may have to face the music from the police in case they file a false case of Domestic Violence. In fact, given the sensitiveness of my father he would be dead the moment a cop summons him to the station.
My queries
1. Have I done an act of crime by not disclosing my subfertility?
2. Have I wronged in ignoring her carnal needs? I thought this is a mutual exercise and I am not a coolie to do sex as a routine.
3. If either or both of my mistakes are wrong what is the scale of penality I am liable to?
4. She never stayed with my parents and never had detailed interaction. They prudently stayed away from us so as to not to complicate the relationship. Are they also vulnerable to DV suit?
5. One and all adviced me to get rid of her. I do not see a way out withoug shelling lot of money as was the case with my first marriage. I am keen to retain the relationship taking in to account commonality in our interests and pursuits and also the wonderful moments we have had in the past. Can the police help us strike a balance and convince her to stay put without resorting to extreme measures.?
prabhakar singh
(Expert) 02 August 2013
In the length the only breath i found that'bipolar disorder' may serve you as ground of divorce.
1.A treatable form of disease can not be a ground of divorce but it amounts to fraud or not would be a question dependent on how two parties have stated their story and how all is proved by evidence.
Did you both negotiated in person and
discussed about plans when to have a baby before marriage?an YES1 from you would lead to conclude you committed fraud as you knew what you concede even when you were under duty to speak.
2.Spouses are to expected to consummate marriage as any ordinary prudent normal couple would do.It does not require husband to to satisfy nymphomaniacs.
3.Annulment or divorce.
4.They can be indulged by her but can not be liable if sufficient proof is not there.
5.carry on if you can.
Devajyoti Barman
(Expert) 02 August 2013
1. It was a material misrepresentation if not crime.
2. To fulfill the sexual need on regular basis is your marital obligation. if you do not do that then you are committing mental and psychological cruelty upon her.
3. You may be held guilty u/s 498A IPC.
4.No not much. Initial harassment would nevertheless be there.
5. Try to amicably settle the dispute the go for mutual divorce.
malipeddi jaggarao
(Expert) 02 August 2013
You have given a lengthy explanation but not explained the reason for seeking divorce on your first marriage. If it is because of non-conceivement, you should agree that you have committed a fraud on your first partner as you know very well the reasons.
Marriage is a mutual trust. It appears you could not create trust in the mind of your partner. The remedy is first correct yourself instead of blaming the other party.
It is natural that she is against your parents as she believes that you conceived the fact and even opt for second marriage at their instance.
Since she has seen your medical record, she is in deep depression as the chances to conceive is some what doubtful. All the above factors are the reasons for erratic behaviour.
1. Marital misrepresentation is a strong point for seeking divorce.
2 & 3 . I fully agree with the comments of expert Mr.Prabhakarsingh on this issue.
4. You can not expect that she would be polite with your parents as she nurtured a feeling that they are the main people for solumnizing the second marriage conceive the real facts. She will definitely include your parents and they have to fight out the case by bringing the evidence.
5. If you are keen to retain the relationship start caring her feelings, do not find mistakes on her for every thing. Understand her agony and tell her that there is chance to have children. Take her along with you to the doctors while you go for treatment. They can impose confidence in her. One can not find wrong with your parents as they opted out of the scene. But they should also take care of her feelings irrespective of her response in the beginnings. Love and affection is the best medicine for the emotional erratic beaviour.
By breaking this marriage what are you going to achieve? It is difficult to a partner again. Without partner leading life is not so easy. All relations are out of the necessity. Eventhough the wife-husband relation is also a necessity, the relation is long lasting as the necessity is not temporary and there is no substitute for it.
R.K Nanda
(Expert) 02 August 2013
nothing to add.
Kumarsirik
(Querist) 02 August 2013
Dear Panel
I do thank you all for the inputs. After reading through the responses I thought there are few facts that need to be added to complete the picture
1. The first marriage lasted 3 months as the girl was interested in her ex-boyfriend.
2. During the second marriage we were normal for almost a year and half in terms of regular intercourse.
3. I was only in a sub-fertility phase and doctors advised that this almost a normal condition at the time of marriage. I am not sure or probably I was embarrassed to discuss a situation which is reversible
4. Our intimacy started hitting a low on 2 reasons
a. She always shunned all forms of foreplay that a man needs for arousal. I reach home at 9 p.m from office and she hits the sack at 9:30 p.m. I do not get adequate time and space to relax and go for the fun.
b. I was put off by her behaviour over a period of time.
She always accompanied me whenever I visited doctors. However, she now has a handle to get me uprooted.
5. My parents would never be in the know on my personal and reproductive health. They couldn't, obviously, have concealed any information nor misrepresented
I do see that I am on the wrong side of the gun as men cannot budge under emotional issues. They are alway expected to perform. However, understanding debits and credits from my side, I approached the police to arrange for a mutual counseling and then help us patch-up. coz' as on today we still are capable of leading a happy marital life if minor bottlenecks are cleared all that is needed is her mercy and cooperation. The first session is coming Monday. I am not sure how much expertise the counselors have.
Will they focus on psycho sexual aspects and guide us both or just verify legal grounds for imparting justice to the identified victim?
I also note that there is a high likelihood of my spouse branding me and my family a criminal and make our life miserable. Will the psychology panel understand the implications that the family including her may undergo and give an amicable direction?
Dr. Jyothi Vishwanath
(Expert) 02 August 2013
Since you are in second marriage, try to make her understand that now marriage is priority than anything else. Try to save this marriage.
Kumarsirik
(Querist) 30 November 2013
I was so impressed with the responses I received for my 2 queries that I posted during the last few months on the marital turmoil and the possible legal implications. I did post these 2 queries in isolation and Mr. Prabhakar Sir rightly pointed out that I should not have posted multiple queries for the same issue.
The other query can be accessed with this URL
http://www.lawyersclubindia.com/experts/How-much-alimony--380046.asp.
It is now my responsibility to conclude the communication thread by furnishing the recent developments in my marital relationship.
I did do lot of introspection based on various suggestions that the learned advocates have posted. There are some statements that hit my conscience very strongly. Yes, I thought I could have handled the relationship with aplomb. I was more dragged towards her shortcomings rather than trying to improve on my individuality. My understanding about a marital relationship was, probably, vague.
Earlier, I was giving her attention, financial support, professional support and what not. Never did I make adverse comments on her cooking, dressing, ideology. I believed that we are united, yet, we possess our own individuality. She, many times, acknowledged that I am a husband who had no expectations from wife.
I only expected one contribution from her. I am from a closely knit joint family and the most loved person amongst friends, relatives and colleagues equally. She conspired to estrange me from my world causing deadly depression to me. I saw my world crumbling though I requested her manipulative self not to disintegrate what is my strength. Despite my attempts to help me overcome this loss she was very abusive. Eventually, I lost interest in her, I did not have urge or drive to give her physical satisfaction. I did not even feel like talking to her. I also reacted to her in a violent temperament. I started spending weekends with people who are close to my heart. The equation here is that we had equal role in messing up the relationship. My health deteriorated, my career is on rocks, I am alone etc., A similar consequence to her as well, except she was doing very well at job.
This is one area where I could not live up to my “Tiger” status as is the case in my professional circles. I am most approached by many for suggestions and known for my stamina in facing adverse situations. With this belief in me, I felt some of the comments mentioned by the learned advocates about my own inadequacies prompted me to work on these areas that require improvement. Holistically, speaking I am interested in my “pure well-being” and need to work towards improving quality of my life. Notwithstanding the fact that she is manipulative, greedy, self –centered, and cunning, I have decided to treat her as a co-passenger and allow her all the space for her to expand.
I lodged a complaint with woman’s cell to help us patch up. They put an NGO in to action for counseling. After few sessions, her allegations were not against my sexual health, but, only about her financial insecurity. I did not know how to react as I give her 20K every month for her expenses and also help her for her professional expenses. I never deny her money. I gave her credit cards and asked her to use as needed. I could have proved her allegations to be wrong.
During the proceedings I requested her family members to meet and help us arrive to an amicable solution. They sent mails stating that I have been cruel to her sister for 1) recording her conversations (I was doing this because she keeps threatening suicide at the drop of hat, she alleges me having relationship outside marriage, she calls me impotent, she talks ill about my mother. I had every right to work on my defense) 2) for impotency and infertility 3) for not taking care of financial conditions 4) for not caring for her physical needs 5) for leaving her alone at home to meet my parents (is it not her duty to oblige my request to accompany me when I wanted to visit my parents on weekends?) and a host of stupid insults like I am in the fag-end of my r and I have not achieved anything in life.
I swallowed all the allegations and thought this is all about money. As suspected, she demanded the following conditions for a patch up
1. Transfer my entire liquid assets and salary to her account every month and she would give me pocket money
2. Bring every spend to her notice
3. Not meet parents, friends, relative without her consent
4. Not to attend family functions without her consent
5. Take care and cooperate on her infertility treatment
6. Accept that I have ill-treated her
7. Remove my father as a nominee in my insurance and investments and include her
I accepted all, only requested that she allow me to meet parents when they need me. For which she had withdrawn clauses 3 and 4. 2 months have elapsed. We are happy now. Every day I crack a lot of jokes and keep her in good spirit, have regular sex. I escort her to whichever doctor she goes for her infertility treatment. I quit smoking. I took her to several tourist places on all weekends. I am more focused on my job and learning rather than this silly relationship
. I have no love for her though, which probably is not a legal issue. As long as I am giving her whatever material pleasures she wants, she should not be worried about my heart. I am growing stronger. Especially, ignoring her negative statements and always trying to work out a solution for specific problems by ensuring she is also satisfied. I want to live with this pain forever and marvel my fortitude. I definitely, know that a day of reckoning will come when she will have enough bank balances and may not need me. I am eagerly waiting for that day to come.
My approach should be a lesson to many men who are in a similar turmoil. There is no point in cribbing, or trying to find a solution for a problem that you cannot describe. You have an ignorant partner who is also overbearing. Be more concerned about what you want to do with your life while allowing the parasite of a partner also to survive. Life is nothing to do with money or people. It is always about what we do not what we get.
More than the suggestions on how to tackle my wife, suggestions mentioned about my own mistakes have been taken as inputs to settle my mental frame. Thanks to you all for the help you have given me by furnishing legal, emotional, psychological aspects that enabled me to change the course of my life, not just my marriage.
I keep this query open for your comments.
Dr. Jyothi Vishwanath
(Expert) 30 November 2013
What you are doing is really very difficult but i feel somewhere one has to start adjusting to the situation. More particularly when it is a second marriage. The only pain which is deeply visible is that you are not in love with her but now since you both have married, it is always better to make all efforts to make it work than a quick divorce. So better carry on till she understands her mistakes too. After all, for her too, it is second marriage.
Devajyoti Barman
(Expert) 30 November 2013
after four months author sees the reply.great.
malipeddi jaggarao
(Expert) 01 December 2013
Hats off to you Mr.Kumarsirik!. A day will come that she would understand you fully. Take care of your parents, if not right now, after some time.
Analyse the reasons for non-fertility from both sides. If you conclude that chances are bleak, slowly over a period put a proposal to adapt an orphan child.
Spend some time at week-ends in orphanages and do some social service which will give you moral strength and satisfaction. It is that you should loose your financial independence totally to buy peace with your partner. Verbal aggression has to be reduced. Slowly you start implementing your own ideas about your life. All the best.
Kumarsirik
(Querist) 03 December 2013
Thank you sir for the appreciation.
She understanding my contribution towards marital welfare is remote.
For instance, as agreed I transferred 55k to her account on receipt of my salary today after paying off credit card and mobile dues. I was left with 7K for my monthly expenses. She called me up and threatened dire consequences for the injustice I meted to her on premise that 55K including the house rental is not sufficient for her. If I fail to justify myaccount she is ready to take legal action. This morning, she said she cannot participate in coitus on her fasting days (every monday and Friday).
These warnings in the backdrop of the wonderful 2 months experience we have had. Every weekend I took her on long rides, twice a week to exotic hotels, bought her dresses while nothing for me for Diwali. Her mother was admitted to hospital and
I arranged for her to fly down to Hyderabad. She wanted to be part of my daily crossword puzzles. I taught her the technique. She wanted me to help her on aptitude tests as she has a NET (UGC) exam this month. I sit with her till late in the night though I return home after a hectic office work.
Despite all these, the slur she generates is intolerable. I only pray that my resilience is not short lived.
Does a man really have an option to find some peace in life?
I am using this forum to ventilate as I thought there are learned people who can advise. I cannot discuss these issues with friends or family members. Within the confines of the 4 walls what chaos is taking place is not known to my people at least. They assume we are a happy couple.
prabhakar singh
(Expert) 03 December 2013
It is really admirable what are you doing but only when not under any depressive or suppressive or anxious circumstance because that may damage you and your psychology as well.
Peace relates to internal feeling at the soul raised by meditational knowledge where we start understanding these worldly affairs to be a myth.It is associated with bliss,happiness,and contentment.It is NIRVAN.It is state of being a person free from all sufferings,it is awarness of the truth,where there is no desire,aversion or
delusion.It's an enlightenment.We start understanding questions like'what is the purpose of our being born'?Peace is harmony.There is nothing in the world with which peace has to conflict with.Where egotastic physics has turned into love of chemistry.It is an experience of knowing ourselves.It is liberty and strongness which never drive us towards worldly discords and stress.
malipeddi jaggarao
(Expert) 04 December 2013
If you are in Hyderabad, you can meet me. My mobile No.is 9490753458.
