Situation with husband
simran
(Querist) 14 August 2018
This query is : Open
Hello everyone,
I have a situation here and really need tome genuine support and guidance with my current marriage. Let me give you a background in multiple paragraphs since it too complicated for me now. . I come from decent north Indian family where parents have always given us traditional and modern values . But my husband if from Bihar where his whole extended family has directly indirectly taken dowry for their sons. My husband and I met through a matrimonial site an and when we started talking he made me believe that his thinking is not like his extended family and very much believes in respect and equality of everyone.
We got engaged and my husband asked me to invest in a house where we can start living as soon as we get married. I got excited and emotional and hence invested (say he invested 8 lkh and I gave 6 lkh , also 50% emi I give every month and I am the co-owner as well ). but then I noticed a bit of change in his behavior as he asked me money for our honeymoon ( out of 1.6lkh to be spent, he asked me to pay 1 lkh) , which I didnot like since our marriage was about to happen in few months and already i had put my savings in the house. Then too I thought that may be he needs support right now, I was able to give him 50k for the honeymoon.
After we got married, he told me that my family did not give them any thing in tilak and took them for granted and gave nothing like TV , fridge etc ( which as per me is dowry) and fought with me on this. I wasnt able to tell this to anyone because it was hardly a week I as married to him. Then I overheard him telling his uncles that the house we bought has only been bough by him and his dad ( which made me very sad and angry since I had invested all my savings for our house and his family was trying to hide it) .
In parallel, since we had decided that after marriage we will try to move abroad for job and will respect who ever gets it first the other one will come along and try to search the job. By God's grace I got the job first and we decided to move abroad and he also got a job in the meanwhile before we moved to the new place. While we were in India I was handling all the household things , maid etc and he handled just the rent. I tried to help because I thought he would be short of money since we both would have had some responsibilities in our wedding arrangement/shopping etc. But then suddenly he tole me that the about 1 lk of money which I gave him ( out of 6lkh ) for the house , he used to pay his credit card bill for his wedding expenses. This was again alarming for me and we argued and he pointed again that my family did not give them anything .
After a month of time, both of us moved abroad with new jobs where I earn slight more than him .He started asking me money to handle every expense of house saying I have taken some debt from friends and need to return them so you can handle at times the whole expenses . Also he started saying that he needs to save money for his sister's wedding and needs to send some money to his parents and help them buy a home ( which was never told to me before wedding as he had mentioned that everyone is independent and no one is dependent on him). This was alarming for me as he even asked me that for our home we would have to take possession in the coming year and he would need money from me (which was nvr decided between us when we purchased the house. We again argued and he kept on saying your family did not give anything and took us for granted. I was shocked to see his behavior. Then he started forcing me to put min 50% of contributions in all the expenditures and mentally torturing me about the dowry thingy directly indirectly. I do not know what shall I do right now.
I am terrified that what he might have his mind and hence I had reduced giving money for household things after all what happened soon after marriage. But because of so many heated arguments I am trying to put all the efforts to make things right and agreed o give 50% of the total household expenses( rent, travel, food, grocery etc) but then he keeps on making new issues every day, for example saying that you do not give me proper food, he keeps on saying that since you earn more you should give more in everything, as per him I should not think of helping my parents as my inlaws should be my priority, he also says I left India because of you and I do not like my job( though I told him we can go back whenever you want etc). He is also now trying to sell the house we bought (though we do not have the possession yet) but since I mentioned to him that the registration/possession money is something he has to handle he got furious and said that its better we sell it. This is all mental torture to me and I cannot discuss with my parents . Even his parents keep on referring to there other daughter inlaws that they gave this much of dowry or artifacts etc.
Lot of things are verbal communication between us which even if I want to proof in future I might not be able to . But the fact is it is completely a mental torture and I do not know what should I be legally able to do in future if he makes the situation worst.
Sorry its a long post , but I would really appreciate a genuine response and guidance.
Siddharth Jain
(Expert) 15 August 2018
Based on your entire facts as narrated by you, you have lots of legal remedies at your disposal but first you need to decide whether you want to continue this marriage or end it all together.
Let me know and I'll guide acccoringly.
Siddharth Jain,
Advocate
isidjain1@gmail.com
simran
(Querist) 15 August 2018
Thank you Siddharth for the consoling words. this does give me a relief to know that I am not wrong from my end. I really want to work on this marriage because I know not everyone has say way of thinking so it might be the case here for now . But I do not want to oblige on whatever my husband says as this will keep on increasing his expectations and make things worst since I still do not know what the future has for us and what he might have for me. Because he keeps on giving me unprecedented warnings every now and then that he is mentally prepared for worst things if I do not agree to whatever he says.
He might be thinking of ending the marriage as well or at-least increase mental torture for me so that I stay scared of whatever he /his family can do to me , and hence I too want to be prepared for myself and my family in future if he tries to put more pressure on me.
I thought this is the right platform to seek guidance and understand what kind of rights I have and can say no to my husband if he pressurizes me to do so.
Thank you a lot.
Hemant Agarwal
(Expert) 15 August 2018
1. Apparently, you were gullible enough to be taken for a financial ride by your aggressive husband and further it seems that the Husband, is highly apathetic with very little emotions for his own wife.
2. It is not the question about the divorce /anger /threat /mental torture by the Husband. Now it is your own desire & decision to come out of this seemingly stifling & unbearable situation. Emotionally "Life" will remain an experiment, since any subsequent new person you come across, may also give you the same /worse jitters.
3. You are seemingly young age and have a good career, so at best is to carry on with life, INSTEAD of heading for Legal litigations and creating self-heart-burns and seemingly unending stress and strain.
Keep Smiling .... Hemant Agarwal
VISIT: www.chshelpforum.com
simran
(Querist) 16 August 2018
Thank you @hemant sir for the kind words. I do understand about human nature and that you are trying to direct me to a good life.
I know, right now since I am giving 50% money to my husband for all the expenses he is behaving well and has been helping me household works etc since we do not get maids or anything here. Apart from giving this 50% every month, I also take care of all my general expenses. so , he is liking the current situation.
But I know this situation will blow up/complicate again the day I say I would not be able to provide continuous financial support in this bulk forever if that's what he wants, in next few months I know he will start asking me support for his sister's wedding and next year for his parent's house. I would have done it without a blink if he would have not asked my contribution in daily expenses and created stressful issues. Because this way I would never be able to save something for taking care of myself in any worst situation or god forbid if my parents need some help etc. Husband and wife should never have a business arrangement like this. He will have to understand his responsibilities as a husband.
Thats the reason I wanted to understand my legal rights for it so that I am not left in pain at the end and can always prove the things I have done. Few questions always come in my mind like
1) can a husband ask his wife's money for expenses regularly as his legal right
2) can he force me to provide finances for his family ?
3) can he ask me not to help my parents whenever they need some of my help (even though my father is not yet retired, he would retired in couple of years)
4) Can he force me to have kids soon since I do not want to take that step until I develop that trust and healthy relationship with him.
5) Though I am working women , I try to do all household activities but can he still make this issue if I am not able to give 100% of time in doing those since as a working women at times there would be some limitations.
It might sound a little too over the edge but these are few questions I think about everyday when he gives me warnings that this is how wives should do and thi sis how is other bhabhis have done and this is what there families have done.
Thank you !
Hemant Agarwal
(Expert) 17 August 2018
1. APPREHENSIVELY, the Husband seems to be a "orthodox village herd mentality" possessive & dominant type person, wherein he wants to follow what he has sadistically seen and experienced in his parents house and further does not want to improvise. WHEREAS you seem/desire to be the opposite.
2. A Self-Earning Wife is legally NOT liable to contribute any expenditures on the Husband or his Family. Further she is legally at Liberty to use her self-earned money, in any way she likes, which includes voluntarily contributing monetary help to her own parents /family, without any reference to the Husband. BUT to the exception of using Husband's money to help her own parents.
3. PRESUMABLY, before you even think of taking any Legal steps (in any manner, whatsoever), it would be appropriate for BOTH of you to visit a experienced Psychological Counselor and see IF both of you are ready to improvise with each other. ALSO blatant refusal to bear a child, would constitute "mental cruelty" on Wife's part to the Husband.
4. IT IS NOW OBVIOUS that IF the Wife stops earning (due to any reason), THEN the Wife's life would be a literal hell at the hands of such orthodox husband. IF such is anticipated, THEN clandestinely start accumulating documentary evidences (your money spending, video recordings of threats, misbehavior .... )
5. Consistent demand & threat of money is equivalent to "domestic violence" and other penal offences, leading to arrest, bail, prosecution, jail. Such steps would definitely put the marriage to its logical /impending end.
Keep Smiling .... Hemant Agarwal
VISIT: www.chshelpforum.com
Guest
(Expert) 17 August 2018
Marriages through matrimonial sites mostly prove deceitful and hellish in life. Only a few of such marriages become successful.
In view of your discussion about your woes, instead of going for a devastating way of legal remedies, you have the need for detailed personal discussion with some really sensible and experienced marriage laws expert. Any casual advice on such type of serious issues won't help you in any manner, except to ruin your married life. There are several alternative solutions to your serious problem, which prove to be better than costly and time wasting legal remedies. You can also approach some really sincere NGO that helps saving marriages. In legal recourse there is only one options for you, to seek destruction of other family, side by side ruining your own family life for ever.
Saving married life by both sides is better than wasting several years in causing destruction in each other's life. Otherwise, if you prefer to adopt legal recourse, you can file complaints about dowry demand and domestic violence. You can seek divorce also. But, rest assured, the courts can be expected to provide punishment to your husband and divorce for you also. Any legal recourse through courts can never assure saving of a marriage life. A divorced girl cannot be expected to settle down peacefully and respectfully for the rest of her life even after remarriage.
Rest depends upon your own wisdom in consultation with your parents and other sensible elders. Emotional and hasty acts can never give fruitful results.
Best of luck
simran
(Querist) 20 August 2018
Thank you so much for continuing these suggestions. I really appreciate.
Right now at this stage I do not want him to be punished because I loved my husband and I still have hope that things would become better. But everyday he pushes me for nee things and does not take care of the basic happiness needs which any husband takes care of like taking the wife for some trips, shopping, dinners or in other words doing anything for me. Its just that I take care of my own expenses, and share the house EMI 50% with him and all the other ( groceries, rent, household things etc ) expenses 50%. He does not spend a single penny on me or even does any saving for me. We stay in Europe and whatever savings he makes he transfers them to his indian accounts keeping just the minimal for him in Europe bank account. Even if I ask him to make any plans for trip he would say he has money constraints. His mother has started to poke me for a baby though its just been 6 months of our marriage.
Considering if these things continue , I would never be confident enough to have baby with him as if now only he does not give any importance to my needs then in future I do not know how he will take care of our kid. Even if he takes care of the kid, he would completely neglect me because then even anything legal would be more difficult and he would take me for granted torturing me more mentally.
I have a good career here in europe and one solution I even thought is to go back to India that may be we have families there and he would behave more sensibly there. His mother keeps on pressurizing me to come back though he just acts that he wants to go back and when I ask him lets go then he says you are such a wonderful wife that you said about it . And then he will change the topic. But I always think if this guy keeps on doing the activities I referred you in all my messages , so should I even sacrifice my career for him . And what if I sacrificed and things remain the same . These opportunities not everyone gets always. My parents do not have any support from our extended families because they all are not doing good financially, it is just me and my younger brother who just started working would be able to support my parents in future needs.
What do you all suggest? Though I am still trying to put efforts but if things remain same for few more months I wont be able to stay with him because the more delay I will do I think the more complicated legal things will also become. Everyone will say if you had dowry issues and domestic violence why did not u take it up quickly or lodged a complain. But you guys can see and might also know that girls or even a boy can not take these decision so soon. I am suffering mentally as well because of all this, I get dizziness very often.
Would my case be strong considering the facts I have told you guys.
simran
(Querist) 22 August 2018
Hello experts,
Please suggest.
In terms of personal efforts, I have also decided to speak to his parents latest by next month if these things don't get sorted. Because I believe they should be first ones to know what their son has been upto, though I am sure they have an idea since my husband talks his parents every day like for 30-40 minutes so I am sure he would have told him and some of his ideas would be an outcome from them only.
Since last week , my husband has started new notion of developing his own start-up company about which he never discussed with that how much capital would be required for it. This is not a sensible decision since we recently got married and he should focus more on first making ourselves capable enough to bear those kinds of risk.
Waiting for your suggestions based on my last 2 comments.
simran
(Querist) 22 August 2018
Hello experts,
Please suggest.
In terms of personal efforts, I have also decided to speak to his parents latest by next month if these things don't get sorted. Because I believe they should be first ones to know what their son has been upto, though I am sure they have an idea since my husband talks his parents every day like for 30-40 minutes so I am sure he would have told him and some of his ideas would be an outcome from them only.
Since last week , my husband has started new notion of developing his own start-up company about which he never discussed with that how much capital would be required for it. This is not a sensible decision since we recently got married and he should focus more on first making ourselves capable enough to bear those kinds of risk.
Waiting for your suggestions based on my last 2 comments.
