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Vicky (-)     20 May 2011

Wife's parents ruining my married life

With reference to article "Parental intrusion ruining couples' marital life:Delhi high court" and judgement given by Justice Kailash Gambhir, below is my situation, please suggest.


BACKGROUND
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I got married on 28 Feb 2008. It was an arrange marriege where girls family is very spiritual and perform hour long puja twice daily and follow sant asaram bapu, palam wale baba, shahdara wale baba, karawal nagar wale guru ji and haridwar wale pandit ji (this we didn't know earlier). My parents selected the girl as she was also very spiritual, and I also agreed on the marriage. She is the alone girl with 2 brothers, 1 elder (29 married working) and 1 younger (23 bachelor studying).

She carried her mobile phone to my home and were constantly in touch with her parents and she used to run into corners for talking to her parents, not even in front of me she could talk with her parents, not even till now she talks with her parents in front of me. She is very angry girl. Do whatever she likes. Do not listen to anybody except her parents.

She started suffering some mirgi type of attacks sometimes and used to talk in different tones and tongues then her father took us to a babaji and he suggested that she is haunted by ghosts which were sent by my eldor brother's wife and her mother. We just wanted to get rid of the problem my wife was going through, so we decided to follow whatever babaji tells, we went to Balaji temple and perform many pujas also in house to get rid of the problem.

She stayed more than 1 year at my home (in this period we used to go to her home and both families had good relations) and then her father called her 1 day to their home and refused to send her back and started telling false stories in the relatives like they beat my girl and they have made my girl a domestic servant and my brother's wife has her attacked by ghosts and many other things, this was not expected from either the girl or her parents, so I called her up and asked her to come back. But she didn't come back, and later on after 5 months her father told that he will only send her girl back if we both live separate from my family (ours is a joint family, father-mother, brother and his wife and their children) and not with my brother and his wife. My father and me accepted this and I rented out a flat 10 minutes walking distance from my father's house. Since then we are living seperately and few times we both quarrel also and nicely living together.
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CURRENT SITUATION
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Now she has no ghost attacks at all. Her parents call her atleast 10-15 times daily and they always try to twist her mind against me and my family. Mostly topic of their conversation is me and my family. Her mom-dad always spoon feed her in negative way against me and my family. There are many instances I know when she calls her mother and father for even very small decisions of our day to day life. During this period she 2-3 times threatened me that "she would do SOMETHING and will trap me and few of my family members" on daily trivial issues. Once she tried to cut her wrist then I snatched the knife from her hand. I called my neighbors and told them about this but she denied in front of them about this thing and said I was beating her. Then in the evening I made recording of our talks about the incident, then also she was doubting about my intentions and started looking in my phone instead of replying to my questions. Then in the last she said that I don't know from where that thought came into my mind. I let go of everything and only tried to give her positive thoughts and not even told anything to my parents. I don't tell them anything between us but she always tells everything to her parents about us and our day to day life and events, and her parents are always interested to investigate about everything going on in my house and my parent's house. And now she even don't want my parents to come to my house as they come occasionaly for few minutes or hours.

Now I have got a very good job in Bangalore, we decided once I rented out a flat in Bangalore she will fly here alone or with her younger brother (I will book the tickets). I came to Bangalore on 19 Mar 11, and she went to her parents place after 1 week. And now she refuses to come back and always try to fight with me on old topics some or the other, initially she used to say I will come there in flight alone, now she say I will only come if you are coming to take me. I have rented out a flat here + rent of Delhi flat + I am living in PG cause nothing is there in the newly rented flat. Her father also started saying you come to take her and I have to do a discussion with you then only I will send her. She even says if you don't come to take me, I am happy living here with my parents (She does not even care for her own home locked down for her to return). She starts shouting if I say something against her or her parents and is always ready to finish this relationship.

The girl is not at all mentally attached to me. And always finding a way to fight with me on phone. I still call her and listen everything she says and tries to calm her down and her mother always sitting behind with her murmuring something in background. Her father says, I will let you know the date once I discuss this with my wife and my wife has gone somewhere. They don't call me or my parents. She occasionaly calls my mother when I persuad her to do so many times.

Now I don't understand and make up my mind what to do in this situation. I know this girl will never live happily with me untill her parents stop calling and filling her mind with negative thoughts. I am trying to keep this wedding but I don't know what else to do. I can't concentrate on my work, my appetite has gone, always BP low. Sometimes I think of suiside also, but I know that will not do anything positive. Please suggest, what step I should take so that I can live happy, she can live happy and my parents can live happy.

Please let me know if any other information is needed.



Learning

 13 Replies

Tajobsindia (Senior Partner )     20 May 2011

@ Author

1.
As a last effort try joint psy. counseling. For which both of you need to give time to see results. Don't make her pregnant by any freak of nature ever at this unstable mental state of hers she will go into a relapse.  


2. If above efforts fails record all her conversations and preserve them in original format at a safe place, keep sending her maint. / upkeep money and file for Divorce on mental cruelties grounds at your home town. Do read basics of Family Law. Keep rent agreement of rented flat for evidence. If matrimonial home on your name change it to your mothers name. Create liabilities if high income group person.  


3. It is a totally incompatible match and quite similar in nature to quoted HC judgment and many of the middle class metro couples facts we see now a days.


4. Concentrate on your work, your family and your health. Join a gym and keep an active social life in
Bangalore. Donot allow yourself to drift to suicidal thoughts it was not your fault. 

hema (law officer)     20 May 2011

dear vicky,

you have done everything you can do to keep the marriage intact.  this is the irretrivable breakdown of marriage.  my suggestion is just leave the matter as it is and enjoy your life at bangalore.  do not try to bring her back by cajoling to bangalore.  if she is interested to keep the marriage, let her take the positive steps.  if she is not interested in marriage life let her pursue the spiritual life with her parents and dongi babas.  if she wants to restore her marriage life by threat by filing cases, let her try that.  engage a good advocate and face the cases squarely and come out of the situation.  ultimately it will be either mutual consent divorce or contested divorce. do not waste your precious life worrying about such unworthy people.  concentrate on your profession as well as pleasures of life.  one thing is there, by living separate, at least now you need not to go to balaji temples and participate in useless spiritual pujas. for that you have to say thanks to god.

1 Like

RahRamJosh (Software Consultant)     20 May 2011

I guess u try too do counseling between elder members of yours and her family. However u need well educated 3rd Party people known to both sides to hear both sides and arrive at a joint conclusion. It talks fail then you can perhaps go for professional counseling. If this fails then u are atleast sure that u made an attempt to save marriage and the worst thing would be divorce. I am not an expert but its just an advise.....Rest there are many elderly peps in the forum to help you out legally or morally !


(Guest)

Dear vicky

I already guide you in expert section and majority of the view are same that is give one chance to your matri.life.

 


As you said,"She carried her mobile phone to my home and were constantly in touch with her parents "

Now this type of problem seen many times in couple(wife).And in your case the main culprit is her mother.

 

I have read your para and in this situation you had done a lot to settle the matter but all it seems fails that's because of parent's interference plus most role involment is your wife ,so given in this situation only option left is ,


First you have to go there home and take her with him as you said ,"a very good job in Bangalore" so this is a better step the wife 's parent home is far away so ,you come to take her then see what happened next and after that remove all past thought about her or her parents .This is not a time to take any harsh steps.After that update your case status so we can advise you further.

 

Thus, first follow these advise that is also agreed by tajobas( 1 step and remember Don't make her pregnant in this situation ) and rahramjoshi ,take her back and counseling.

If after all fails then take harsh steps that what Hema said earlier.

Arup (UNEMPLOYED)     20 May 2011

Please suggest, what step I should take so that I can live happy, she can live happy and my parents can live happy.
 

the girl and her family did these intentionaly.

you tollarate and tollarate again and again.

you show your keenness for her - these made the party unrully.

now you ask your inner mind what you want to do either divorce and start a new life or relationship with her.

will reply accordingly.

Vicky (-)     20 May 2011

thanks everyone.

Dear Tajobsindia: After my 20-25 days in Bangalore she told me that she is pregnant and her parents and my parents also know this.


Mr. Arup: I want to give it a last try and start a new life with her but without her parents interference. Please suggest.

Vicky (-)     20 May 2011

I want to ask 1 more thing, if they file 498a case, my parents are secure in that case or not? As we are living separately and my parents visit us once in a week or so for few minutes or few hours.

Last december I came to Bangalore for a project for arount 1 month and during that time my mother was staying with her as she was alone at home. Can they trap my parents also in any matter?

Arup (UNEMPLOYED)     20 May 2011

I want to give it a last try and start a new life with her but without her parents interference. ---   just convey her and them, these words, and give a time limit to answer.

you may take it granted that they will 498a / dv.

as she is living apart from you, there is a remote chance to involve your parents.

you have to take bail from the court after arrest. thereafter normal life will be continuing.

do not worry for that.

mental preparation is necessary.

Vicky (-)     20 May 2011

but my parents were not living with us when she was with me in delhi


(Guest)

If she is pregnant then again follow the advise given by me ,take with her in banglore,parent's home is far away.And after giving child ,she is engaging in child's care so she forget about her parents.

sandy velan (social coordinator)     24 May 2011

i agree with hema. at last there is no point trying to live with people who detests us.it is ur life and do not depend on anybody for happiness. my best wishes with u.

Bhushan (Student)     29 June 2012

Many gentlemen are facing these kind of problems in India, Parents are ignorent about the consequences of the deep interferance in their daughter's married life, especially mother. try for a reconciliation is good but do not loose your charecter because of unworthy relations

Bhushan (Student)     29 June 2012

Many gentlemen are facing these kind of problems in India, Parents are ignorent about the consequences of the deep interferance in their daughter's married life, especially mother. try for a reconciliation is good but do not loose your charecter because of unworthy relations


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