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Guilty of 498a

Page no : 2

randomethic (Professional)     22 April 2013

You might be repenting now, but the truth is, you made a choice to let her go when she wanted a chance to save your marriage, not her marriage alone.

Given time, she will get over the things you did. But it would be better if you stay away from her. Let her live in peace now.

Every action has a consequence. You took some decisions, it doesn't matter who forced you, you're an adult, you married her as an adult. To be "influenced" by your parents and give up on your marriage when her and her parents' actions were showing you otherwise, was your mistake.

If she has moved continents, after a decree of divorce has been passed, and she didn't file for anything earlier,  I don't think she will, now.

Members here will not believe, but yes, there are women who are nice and loving and kind and want to do everything that they can to make their marriage work until, they are kicked and their spirit abused and destroyed in the name of love and marriage. When it came to choosing her jewelery or money over her survival and peace of mind and moving on in life, she choose the last option.

Learn to live with it and be a better husband for your next wife.

Krishnamohan (Consultatnt)     22 April 2013

Dear Alex,

You can still try !

Tell the judge and her parents about your intention. She will come to know of it when they / her lawyer inform her. If she still wants to come back, she may come back.

Mango (Consultant)     22 April 2013

Alex @ You should withdraw the case. To answer your question, if you could do that. Yes, you could do that legally as well as logically. You should be expiditng this withdraw process so that she gets the notice on-time. You could reach to her lawyer and ask for help to bring her back into your life. It's now upto your destiny which will lead to you.

 

Even experience judge understand that sometime "it just happens". People gets all the 31 teeth at the sametime but only one tooth at the stage of maturity.

 

On the top of this, do you feel so that a woman with fractured hand and a divorce status would have anywhere to go except her parent's house? This is the time when you could do the things otherwise you would also know that how much you are going to regret at the death-bed.

 

randomethic @ I am not too sure what's your profession but after reading your thoughts, I felt quite miserable and only thing, which I could think-off is to god bless your profession. 

Mango

randomethic (Professional)     22 April 2013

What does my profession have to do with anything, Mango? You have shared your opinion, I have shared mine. Both are valid.

Not sure what God's blessings for my profession will achieve and what your feeling miserable is supposed to do.

It is a bitter pill to swallow but just because Alex has had a sudden epiphany and is remorseful after all is said and done, in no way becomes necessary for his now ex-wife to give him another chance. And even if she did, she might not trust him the way she did, before.

Everyone makes mistakes, that doesn't mean we get to force people to stay in our lives and insist that we make up for our mistakes to that very person. Sometimes, the best thing we can do, is learn from our wrongs and be better people for the remainder of our lives.

Personally, I find it quite immature that first, he insisted he wanted the divorce and despite her best efforts, he did not agree. Now, because he has woken up, she should again have to put up with his insistence that he wants to give it another try. 

What is she, some kind of a plaything? 

Sorry, Alex, this may not be what you're wanting to hear but if you're going to try again, it is best to be mentally prepared to see yourself from the other person's eyes. 

Should everything work out for you, that would be great, but there are no guarantees in life and I firmly believe you should focus on being less gullible and a better man, hereafter.

Mango (Consultant)     22 April 2013

randomethic @ No offence; I read it somewhere what we do on the daily basis, it impacts our life and so do the thoughts/opinions. Personally, I'd sense a very high pessimistic attitude towards the life in your quote ...and I had little challenge in understanding which business runs on pessimistic behavior so I blessed it... If was purely against the "quote"/"role" not against the author (i.e. you)...

1 Like

randomethic (Professional)     22 April 2013

I'm not offended. 

It's higly presumptuous to assume that because I'm not running all out and encouraging Alex to reunite with his ex-wife, that I am a pessimist or for that matter, judge an unknown person on the basis of one quote.

Regardless of what I read on a daily or any basis and you couldn't be more wrong, we cannot ignore the realities of this specific situation and it is unfair to expect things to go only one way. 

If anything, I think Alex should write her a letter or email and tell her he's genuinely sorry things turned out the way they did and had to end, wish her the best and let it go.

However, my instictive response is still, that he has got an amicable divorce, she is gone, leave her alone and let her live with dignity. He didn't value her, allow her to find someone who will.

1 Like

Alok Tholiya (self employed)     22 April 2013

 

Will u believe I hv tears in my eyes after reading ur sad story. It is not fully your mistake. It is the 5000 years old mental sickness in our society which makes us dominate against weak, women, old, downtrodden. 

Example of dominating weak: I hv seen so many car owners and flat owners firing left and right the watchmen of society for no mistake of his (Weak as dependent on same housing society and others for livelihood . Same members of so called elite class piss before a jr.  police constable as he is powerful. 

Sr. citizens are the first choice of attack by thieves, robbers and even family members. If u come and hear the story of senior citizens members of group which I run you will wish to die before you become old and dependent  At least I wish so. Most often the past atrocities of parents and parents in law are revenged ( like how u r loosing heart for your parents) when they r weak. 

So our psyche is such that we will never admit our mistake before a girl/ women specially wife and bahu( daughter in law). We have seen dadi, nani and mother and sisters bearing all tantrums without resisting and we follow the same. But most often the realization does not come even when one is near death but your good heart somewhere has woken up and you have started becoming human, compassionate and loveful. 

The curse of Draupadi and Sita finished the whole vansh / generation of sinister who tried to pull her down and did not listen to so many advises / messages of reconciliation  Male ego, money power, authority, false image etc make us do wrong, then our immoral advisers do not let us relent and then we earn curse. If u see Start of Mahabharata or Ramayana you will find so many instances of earning fatal curses even when pain is not inflicted purposely ( Read story of Sharavn kumar killed by mistake by king). So those who have inflicted pain and agony on an innocent girl who married you with an expectation of getting love, affection and security imagine how much pain has been caused to the girl and her family and her close ones  I am sure she will not file any case on you as she has not done that so far but the bad karma's earned will not leave you. 

You are atleast lucky that you have started process of purification,sanity and atma kalyan due to repentance. 

I can not advise whether u should go back to her but atleast through a mediator return each and every penny of hers.

I am giving a true story here: Cement LID of one of chamber of our building had broken. A plumber who was doing work in my office toilet saw that. He asked whether I would like to get this chamber cover replaced. I said yes but for how much? He said whatever you want to give. I knew the on going rate so I allowed him to get one. But what I found he rushed towards municipal choki opposite my house where all these items are stored for public roads. I realized he will bribe few bucks and steal the municipal property / public property and install at my place. I made my staff run behind him and told him not to get the cover. He came back surprisingly. When I said I want nothing in my property  which is chori ka and which will bring bad omen. He went back grumbling that so many  people are asking for sand, cement , cover etc from there for personal use and I am mad not taking benefit of same.  After few days my neighbour came and informed m that my Maruti Van is lying half way in between gate and the back door glass is not there. I came rushing down and after careful study found that some gang tried to steal my brand new van,  one of them entered van by  removing back glass from lining and others pushed the vehicle for taking it out of compound as they did not want to start the engine in the compound and in the mean while steering lock which was then just introduced got jammed. So they left the vehicle as and where. 

I realized that if that stolen cover would have come to my house then sure the car would have gone. Those were times when there were elections in UP and Bihar and all Jeeps, Vans , SUV gets stolen are put to use their for election campaign. 

So it is not easy to digest non earned money and specially what is cursed / jinxed. 

Should u decide to bring her in your life again( very difficult  to rebuild faith and confidence) but restart thru a mediator, meet her only outside Say coffee house in common friends or relatives place etc etc . ,. Let time be a healer and wait till things work out . It is like tapasya and will take time but if you succeed then it will be great. Nothing is impossible. 

Blessings and love ( to your changed personality) . 

 

Thanks and Regards,
Alok Tholiya,
9324225699 
3 Like

Alex (QS)     22 April 2013

you all have been comforting as well as eye openers to me.

i realise I wont be able to keep my ex wife happy. nor any woman happy.

i fear my dad so much that I would agree to a second marriage.

i do not have guts to say sorry to the first wife. i have never said sorry to anyone. my dad has never allowed me to say sorry. even now my dad says i am good  and can get a better wife and my ex wife is bad and wrong.

my ex wife is an engineer and was born and brought up outside india. she is a good mix of both cultures and has a great job earning more than me. her boss and collegues were supportive during the bad perioud my family and i put her through.

i know she wont take me back because no matter how much she loves me the worst phase is surely over. i never stood up for her when she went through humilation and i know even when my dad abused her character i kept quite. i am sure for any woman like her who remained loyal to her husband will not be able to forget that. my dad and sister also said she was barren and things unfit to say here and i supported it . i always lied to her inspite of her telling me she would rather love me with the truth than love me with the lies.

i am sure you all realise my english is now ok. i am an engineer and didnt know how to string a sentance. it was my wife who taught me from spoken english to earning a good job and when i had the money and the support that came with money, i let go of my marriage.

my father has already used my dowry money and i cannot give her back anything.

i am not sure if i can do any justice to my second marriage. there is no guarantee that the girl would be like my first wife. my first wife married me when i had nothing, all she asked of me was I be a loyal husband and help her build a good family. but i was influenced by my dad that money she earned, money she got from her family etc was the building stone to my future. even after having all that i mistreated her.

i have never told her this but she was a attractive, hardworking, and loyal wife. whenever i used to do something bad and i used to ask her why she forgave me she used to say she is loyal like a dog.. now i know she was loyal even during the divorce. she didnt talk about me the way i did her. i even agreed to my dad writing down accusations against her and asked the mediator to ask her to sign it. she said she will do anything if only i wud go in front of her and tell her that the accusations are indeed true or offer an explaination.

i never went in front of her except for the final counselling. to think a woman as successful as her with a supportive family waited two years of her life in isolation hoping i wud correct my ways and not let go of our marriage. i want to say that even my inlaws and her siblings were all angry with me for beating her like a dog, yet they offered there support to me and said if i wanted they'd do anything to get us help.

all she asked as a parting thing to the mediator was one sitting in a counselling session to part as adults because i guess she was torn by the fact that my parents and sister told the mediator that i didnt find her attractive and married her only for the money and to move abroad... to an extend the money was true but i did fall in love with her. she was  everything a man would want in a wife. but i took her for granted. but i did not sit with her even in one counselling. i gave her no closure. finally she gave up and went away with a broken heart.

the mediator later told my father that he couldnt bear the site of how my ex wife worked hard to make this work. how many times she flew to india for a counselling session.. she was willing to let go of me if i wanted it but she just wanted to hear from me that she was all that my family and i accused of.

i hear that my ex wife even told the mediator that if I (alex) have accused her of being so bad , then she definitely need pshychological help. i am worried i may have mentally harmed her too.

i know this is a legal forum but having opened up to you guys.. its the first honest one to anyone at all.

Alex (QS)     22 April 2013

 

Need Justice – my dad and brother in law has driven the fear of 498A so much that at any point my ex-wife was use it against me. The fear is too much mainly because I am guilty but has been Scott free. Is there a time frame until with 498A can be framed even though the damage is permanent?

 

 

I know that I love this woman a lot, but my fear of my father is higher. I have never been able to express my love in the right time in words or actions. I guess her actions were proof of her love for me. She had a damaged hand but she made sure I was not punished.

Right now I am made to feel like a hero because I made a lot of money from the job as well as dowry which my father has not made in his whole life time. So I feel like I am okay because it’s like a party time in my home in Kerala. We have new car, new house being built etc. but when am alone, and something inside me has been waking me up at nights. I also realise my sister and brother in law are beneficiaries of all the money and that’s why they were supporting me. I do not have the guts to question anyone of them.

Need justice – please excuse my ignorance and help me understand this line..

    remember - "if picture abhi baki hai mere dost" then it wil still continue , else "the end" has happened.. just the credits are rolling now.

randomethic (Professional)     22 April 2013

You need to take some difficult decisions. But most importantly, as long as you allow your family to treat you like a child and do not take responsibility for your happiness, they will continue to manipulate you for their benefit.

Do not marry again, unless you are certain you will be a good husband.

Most importantly, what is the reason that your family is able to scare you into doing as they want, even if you know better, the fear of 498A is no real reason to be afraid of your own parentsand siblings? 

1 Like

Manoj Chennai (Tech)     22 April 2013

Alex,

1. You need to grow up mentally

2. I would request you to get back to your first wife and plead and ask her to forgive. Your wife is forgiving or not depends on her. I would still recommend you to try your best to get back to her

3. Also looks like as per your latest post you have already decided that you want to remarry. Then i strongly have a feeing that all you are afraid of 498a and not on the sins you have commited.

Personally, I'm telling you - I have been through a hell a lot of torture and false cases filed from my wife. There are also women like your wife in this country who doesnt even file cases for the mistakes what you have done to her/ or gets back her money.

Need to salute her.

Regards,

Mano

1 Like

(Guest)

fake post

Alex (QS)     23 April 2013

All those who offered me help. I first reached the mediator who told me that he himself does not encourage me going back to the ex-wife as he feels I will not be able to keep her happy as I let my life be controlled.

he also assured me that my ex wife never had intention of slapping a 498a case on me as more than the broken bones in her body she was keen on fixing our marriage.

after a lot of repeated requests the mediator has agreed to talk to my ex in-laws and in turn to my ex-wife.

my father has always insisted on having a joint account with me and I allowed him to mainly because i didnt know how to say no to him. but since he realised i am now probably going to reconcile with the ex-wife he has started making transfers my our joint account to his personal account.n i do not have courage to question him.

if my ex-wife does not join with me i will be a man who has lost his wife and all hard earned money.

for those who are accusing me of being fake. what would i get being fake on a forum? are anyone of you my real life relatives or any one of you going to give me anything in life?

i am a man who has never lived life the way i wanted. i dont even have my own wishes. for the first time am realising what i have lost in my life. i am now 35 years yet dont have the guts of even a 5 year old.

my family has taken advantage of my weakness and here am only hoping to get back what i have lost or atleast prevent further damages.

Alex (QS)     23 April 2013

I know almost all of you, the mediator, my inlaws and my wife has told me that i need to be grown up, i need to be a man.

i just dont know how to do it.

i have always lived my life the way my father has told me to.

you can dismiss my posts, for me i am atleast able to write this down. until i came here i was not even able to talk about this.

  1. my dad decided what i studied,played or did while i was a child. all through my childhood and teenage.
  2. he decided what i wud study at college. i never did well, but eventually passed engineering.
  3. after b.tech.i got a job in kerala with my dads recommendation.
  4. then my dad decided that i should go abroad and went to uae. during recession i lost my job.
  5. then my dad made me to another course to be able to go aborad. but i quit half way through.
  6. my dad has been looking to get me married to woman overseas for few years.
  7. my elder brothers life was the same like mine. but his wife and he were also on verge of divorce due to interference from my family.so my parents were scared my brothers wife will stand in way of me getting a girl abroad. but luckily i got married to this girl from abroad and to me the marriage was a huge relief. the family was nice, they treated me well and stood by me. i was treated like an adult.
  8. my dad continued to make me send all my salary to him and i did. this plus so many issues created constact fights in my life.
  9. but now i realise that the marriage was only good for me physically, emotionally and financially. not for the wife.
  10. eventually i lost the marriage too. i have a job that i got in the country where my wife and family where. but right now the job is under threat too.
  11. so for past 6 months i have been in kerala feeding on things my parents n sister fed me to leave the current marriage.
  12. my ex wife has three younger sisters and my parents told me that since they have three girls my inlaws will even fall at my feet to save this marriage work.i believed it so that i dont have to justify why i beat her.

now i think i am facing the reality and realising what i had in her even if i set apart the monetary benefit. i regret too much. but i spoke too much negative already  that i cant live even in my own city.

are there any pshychologists among you that can tell me if i have a issue? my dad until recently used to beat me. my wife used to tell me my father is fuedal lord. that my mother and sister are gold diggers. i used to beat her for that but now when i see how my mother and sister have taken even my ex-wifes gold and wears it, i feel its true.

my mediator told me i lack emotional intelligence and i have a behavioural problem. i will welcome any suggestions

randomethic (Professional)     23 April 2013

Alex, your father has been a dominating and controlling personality all your life. That will continue as long as you allow it.

You need to understand that as an adult you have rights and you can walk out the door. The worst that will happen is that you will need to be on your own, life will not be easy or sheltered but you will be free to live.

You will benefit from psychological counselling as someone adept in the field could help you develop the confindence and self esteem you need to step out on your own and they will address any dependence/co-dependence issues you have or any other behavioral problems. It will be hard work, that much I do know. 

Right now, you're part of a very unhealthy dynamic. Leaving aside returning to your wife, work on yourself and become selt reliant and independent.

Good luck!

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