chitra (software engineer) 22 January 2013

Please suggest

Hi. I am chitra. I am a software engineer. I got married on 5th march 2012. It is a purely arranged marriage.he said he is working in TCS and in weekends puts plan for building construction. We enquired whether TCS is main job or construction. He told TCS is his main job. His house was too small to adapt for 4 members(his parents and we too). He told that he bought new flat and after marriage we will go there. His parents told that they have elder daughter who got married and settled in poonamalee. they gave her share and she is living happily. She will come only in vacations. They demanded for 400gms gold worth 15 lakhs and house hold appliances worth 4 lakhs. During marriage , my dad gave all those demands for me. Everything went well. I went to my in law home and came to know that they did not buy flat yet. Its a lie. And that small house is not for 4 members but for 8 members including his sister family. she is staying with them only together. They told a lie in this too. I dint take it as a issue.I started to mingle with them but they dint treat me as one of their family member but instead treated as a servant. I cooked , washed clothes for all 8 members. My sister in law dint allow me to enter the bedroom. Only after getting her permission only , i should enter. They got all my jewels and kept with them. slowly they started to demand for more jewels and appliances from me and my parents. They asked for more gold chains and necklaces for their use. They asked my dad to give my property share worth 2 crores now itself. They demanded my salary also. My parents and relatives refused to give money further and asked to return all my jewels back to me .They asked my sister in law to go to separate home.I got back my jewels and my sister in law went to a new home for rent in next street. So my in laws got frustated and started to give mental tortures to me.They used to finish off the food before i return from job. I used to sleep with empty stomach. If i get to prepare food , my mother in law used to keep all the groceries hidden some where so that i cant cook and eat. She wont allow us to go outing and not to sleep together. She used to create a scene as health prob and take her son to hospital. they will return only by early morning. They would not have gone to hospital instead slept in his sister house. They used to do daily like this. My mother in law asks me to get out of house or to die. Full of depression and mental tortures. So i came to my parents home by april end. After a discussion with relatives and parents , my husband decided to come for separate home by june which is again next to his street. Same prob carried on but only hapinness is that i had food to eat. Listening to my in laws words , my husband used to kick me, beat with helmet , slap me for silly reasons, throw food on my face. I wont even reveal anything to my parents. Adjusted with all these tortures. He used to bath , eat and sometimes even sleep with his parents and sister family. he wont even think that i am alone. Once i got conceived , he created problem on the same day i got the pregnancy result. he tortured me by scratching my hands with knife. Asked me to go to my home and not to return back or else to come and stay with his parents and sister family together accepting all those tortures. He also said to get from my parents what ever they ask for. We filed a complaint on him and his family in local station in chennai by august. They sent us for counselling and said to live in separate house till delivery. Once again we started to live in the same rented house from september end. He left his job in TCS and carried on with mason work.At first i felt bad later i changed my mind for him. Slowly once again he started to create prob without considering that i am pregnant.He not even gave single rupee from his salary from the day after marriage also.I used to spend my salary for paying his credit card , phone bill , for buying house hold stuffs , food items , groceries etc. Balance salary he used to get from me and will give just 30 rupees for bus. But minimum 50 rupee is required for me to travel. I cant eat what i wish to eat also because of no money. My dad used to give me 500 rupees for one week expense.my husband Started to beat me on my chest. Made me to starve for water. Made me to do all the work and struggle. Loaded me with bunch of work which is of no use like washing the same clothes again and again for no reason. On december 24th night , he started to push me out of the house. Started to scold me and my parents in abusive language. Asked for more money , jewels. If i dont give , he cannot proceed a life with me further. His parents dialled him and teached him what to scold and said him what to do. Accordingly he tortured me by slapping , holding my neck and pushing me down on the floor without considering that i am 6 month pregnant. His dad came and shouted at me using abusive language. They dint drop the fight right from 7 pm till 10pm , so i called my parents to take me back to home as it was too late. Once my parents came , his parents , sister and her husband came home and shouted at us badly using abusive language. They threatened me that they will consume poison and die if i live with him. They said that they dont like me living with their son. They pushed me and my parents out of the house. We informed to local station, gave complaint on them and went to home. By next day dec 25th , my husband with out knowing that i have given complaint , went to station to give complaint on my dad stating that they took me back to home. So far they dint proceed on our complaint. The local station inspector went for vacation. Our complaint was in pending. So we approached Assistant commissioner of that station and initiated the process. He arranged for enquiry in which his parents refused to allow their son to live with me. finally AC told him to stay in separate house away from his family members. My husband too accepted for separate house near my office and said us to see for house and inform him so that he will come to live with me in that house.So we again went for compromise with written letter. My parents arranged for new house near office , gave advance and initial rent for the house and shifted the things. After arrangements , we informed to my husband. But now again he is refusing to come and live. He is saying that his parents is not allowing and they are threatening that they will die. He is not considering that i am carrying his baby. He admits that he wont come to live again with me. We informed about his denial to local station. They dint take any action so far. Please help me providing some suggestion. 1) Cheated and married. 2) Dowry demand 3) mental tortures and physical tortures during pregnancy 4) pressure and depression to me and my family. What is the solution for my life and my baby life? Is this a justice to spoil a girls life by the word marriage and leaving her for the sake of their parents threats. I am helpless with my life lost by those cheats and now my baby also has to suffer further. There is no justice for me? Please help :'(

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17 Replies

chitra (software engineer) 22 January 2013

Hi . Today i went to local station. Saw and talked with A/c. We told everything. Again he said the SI to do enquiry on the same compromised complaint and ask him to stay away from his parents intervention , as they are threatening us that they will consume poison. A/c already told to see house for rent near my office as i am pregnant so could not travel. my husband too accepted. Now he is refusing and asking to see in some other place. we saw there also and informed him. Again he is changing to some other place. Keep on making us to roam and spend our money.As you all said , We even talked for MCD but he dint give way for us to talk. he said no and disconnected.If he dont want to give divorce , he should live with me without creating probs. But he is saying he wants to live and not coming to live. A/c said to put FIR on him. What they will do after putting FIR? What cases they will put on him? i am not aware of it. Please do tell me. :(

JASWANT VIJAY AGNIHOTRI (AIR ARMY) 22 January 2013

woman who supports 498a is liable to be.....? u can take divorce.....this is india....dont think that u will win at last a long battle.....

? police will take bribe from both side....?

chitra (software engineer) 22 January 2013

kalyan (engineer) 23 January 2013

@chitra,

If you agreed for complaint police official will file cases on all family members of your husband and will put them behind bars a day at least. But, how are you going to be benefited by this action? Once they get bail, your life may go worse. You are a software engineer and you could earn for you and your child who is coming. Just file a divorce petition and get a legal seperation. concentrate on your job and your child health. In a year or two, your pains will come down and you can choose a new life as you are very young. Just quit from this hell make your life peaceful. god will be always with good people and never giveup them. good luck.

Harsh (Manager) 23 January 2013

good suggestion.

police dont do any counseling - husband should get a separate residence and live with his wife.

If he doesnt they file FIR.they dont care if the complaint is true or false, if the couple is happy or not.

dont listen to lawyers,police or even your parents. you know the truth they dont.

in today's world full of 498a b*tches, you can set an example. your complaint is not believable. if you feel there is no need of criminal case against your husband (whatever be his faults),then dont initiate the case, request IO to withdraw

your complaint/or not file chargesheet. forgive and may be forget.

you are financially independent.

live your own life. after 498a you will be doing it anyways, and in a worse way.

chitra (software engineer) 23 January 2013

Hi harsh - Police did counselling to get a separate residence and live with wife , as his parents are not allowing to live. How can you say that my complaint is not believable? Dont ever say like that. Pain is for me. I have experienced it in my 10 months marriage life. Its easy for you people to blindly say as unbelievable. If you are in my situation and suffering , you wont say. If i have to file false complaint on my husband , i would have done on the very first move to police station. But instead ,i made my parents and relatives to talk with them for 7 times and finally only moved to station. 2 times i went for compromise to live with my husband. this is third time, i came to station .Even then i asked them to talk for compromise and maximum not moving for cases. I am willing to live but he is not coming to live. Saying that he wants to live but not coming to live. Even i waited for him to come when he realises his mistake without any complaint , but he is lodging complaint on my parents stating that they took me away from him. He is not coming to live with me not allowing me to live with parents. I am carrying his baby. I dont want to waste my life and baby life by giving false complaint. No girl will spoil her life and baby's life. Maximum i m trying to save marraige life. Please blindly dont say that i m giving false complaint. Stand on the shoes of complainant and reply for the problem. dont hurt. I posted here for guidance after losing all my strength... :'(

Harsh (Manager) 23 January 2013

hi - you said your SIL didnt allow you to enter the bedroom, and you are also carrying his baby. and that they were hiding groceries. that you did all the work with no water and food. may be, may be not. with no water and food, you would collapse.. im not the person to judge, thats why i said difficult to believe as i am merely reading what you typed.

in any case, you will have to prove all your allegations in court. that wont be easy. so if you were really tortured, you should be ready to prove it.

second, he may very well have lied about his financial status - in every marriage one party lies about money. that is wrong but not a crime (the poorer side does it to impress the other side).

no girl marries with a 498a in mind that is true; but other forces behind her are aware of 498a and hence the chances of misuse of law.

what is the meaning of compromise?

like i said, you alone know the real facts so please be prudent in your steps. be it filing or withdrawing your 498a.

JASWANT VIJAY AGNIHOTRI (AIR ARMY) 23 January 2013

Dear chitra, i am saying my own story points-

i loved more my wife and lastly she alleged me badly when fulled by my in-laws, my divorce filed by me in sept 12 and delivery will be in feb13, ok.

while in police councelling also she tried to jail me and compromise singned to join again but later she called lawyers and tried to file case via court

but here after your full query read that u get away from ur husband because like u woman who cries for sympathy towards child and want rights to harash husband......let him free from u...i have seen also 498a wifes also and her bachlor brothers who is not getting married because of 498a is a prestige.

u first listened your parents why...not ur husband....u well know what marriege means....?

SASURAL is not a ekta kapoor serial in which u dream......reality is dangerious.

a piece of paper cant show trust but it can destroy ur relation....?

chitra (software engineer) 23 January 2013

Harsh - I think u dint read my problem properly. As far i stayed together with my in laws , they dint allow me to enter the bedroom. I got conceived for a baby only after i get into a separate residence with my husband. No food , no water will collapse me. Yes you are right. I got collapsed and admitted in nearby hospital for more than 5 times for putting trips and even sugar went down and my weight went down from 53 to 45kg.Its very easy for a person to say i cant believe. and secondly you told that he lied about his financial status and we got impressed on that. Please let me know one thing , will any parents get their daughter married to a guy who has no job or a temporary job. He lied that he bought a flat but he dint. We do not bother about that too. But left his TCS job and working as mason. Even then it is a job but he should earn and give either or look after house hold expenses. He dont do anything. Is this fair?

(Guest)

Chitra, dont worry, dont lose hope. everything will be allright!!

First put some thought on whether you want your husband or not. If hez real bad there is no reason for you to stay with him. Go for MCD and settle the bl**dy case. If he has really money minded and tortured you for dowry. Go file 498a FIR.

But if you think you can still live with him and he is not that bad. File for RCR and maintenance for you and your kid. Dont give up. Fight hard and teach a bit of lesson to your husband that he should take care of his family.

However, whatever you do, a relation once broken is broken. Keeping in view of your kid and his future try to focus on resolving the ego clashes between you families. You are no dumb right. You are well educated and independent woman who can resolve issues. So dont give up. Finally you will get benefited. Here the only mantra is dont listen to any of your relatives and leave your ego behind. Its worth a shot.

Incase if it doesnt work out, go start new life. Try to wean your husband from your inlaws with your love and not with force or demands. You need patience to make it work.

chitra (software engineer) 23 January 2013

vijay - I am not trying to get away from my husband. I am struggling to live with him only. He only not living. If he wants to live , he should come and live. But he is not coming. Even if he comes , his parents not allowing him to live happily. We dint go for divorce or anything so far. In this forum , many suggested me for MCD , so i tried that without going for any cases on him. But he is not ready , really very happy for his denial towards MCD. I m not crying for sympathy towards child. I am crying for my life and my baby life. I am not listening my parents alone. I listened my husband and stopped talking with my parents for 2 months but even then he dint change , his torture was more than before. Same way why cant he stop listening his parents , i mean to take good and leave out the bad... But he is not doing like that..

Harsh (Manager) 23 January 2013

Chitra, no it is not fair. both husband and wife have joint responsibilities these are implied in a marriage.

he may be not working because you are earning good money (this happens in a lot of families where the husband is irresponsible and doesnt take care of his family, poor wife is struggling to make ends meet). it happens in educated families also, sad but true. but i dont belv that is a reason to punish him by law.

other wrong things he did like torture etc. - agree he has to realize his wrongdoings and you should protect yourself and your baby.

so first DECIDE whether you want this marriage or not tats all.

if yes, try to make it work (u may hae already tried). you try as much as you can then you have to call it quits. you cant keep trying forever.

if you want him to live with you can try and convince, but no rcr or judge order will make him stay with you.

if he is not agreeing for MCD then he probably doesnt want to lose you (you would know better) or as u said may be he is money minded and wants earning wife/your salary.

all we can suggest is you do what is necessary and not what you wish. looking at your situation - divorce/separation or reunion, looks like both will test your patience. we never get what we want when we want.

Qn: If your father, mother, brother, cousin hits/tortures/abuses you or doesnt take care of you where he should have, would you send him to jail or call the police? Lot of children are deprived of a good upbringing by their parents but there are no laws.

Nobody approves such acts.

The moment anything wrong happens in a matrimonial home ....

Harsh (Manager) 24 January 2013

lastly 498a is a useless menace it doesnt serve any purpose even with real culprits.

A wife who is a victim of dowry harassment should for her own sake just part ways and lead a new life.

Punishing husband may be heroic, but I dont feel that it will change the society nor will it bring your years back.

So, rather than debating whether you want to file 498a or not, just think about whether to

stay or quit.

my humble suggn.

(Guest)

hi chittra ,

i had same problem like you.like same small house same siste in law and same TCS and same mother in law problem. and same dowry prolem..mahila thana did nothing in these cases.if you want to compromise with your husband file case in family court .