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Why only girls' parents bear wedding expenses?

Page no : 5

Renuka Gupta ( Gender Researcher )     13 September 2010

@ Kushal Vyas

I see some fallacy of the logic here:

Parents can't spend more money education because they have to spend lakhs of rupees on wedding

Well, investment in education is for an empowered girl, I do not know if wedding expenses would empower a girl

Talking about social pressure: it has to start from natal families and from educated girls and this pressure circle would break

I said a very simple thing: girls need to make thier own choices, in what way the money should be invested , what type of education they want. not everyone wants to be doctor or engineer, gone are those days. There are multiple career options open or setting up once own enterprise and vocations

Hindu laws < yes I am aware on paper they talk of equal property rights and inheritance rights. But in majority of cases, in the northern India, girls are deprived of their legitimate rights, You may be knowing a few cases, I agree, but those few cases do not make a critical mass of cases. The reality is this that Hindi women are still do not find spaces in their own natal families and cannot live with self respect, barring a few cases. 

I am not in the habit of writing long replies, so I am just taking up the points which were to do with my postings. I am taking hard core facts on how we just do not want to move ahead by just saying this is for social pressure and that is for social pressure. I have given long term solutions, I did not concentrate this time on the girls' matrimonial homes. Before she gets married, she has a life of her own too. And that life is very precious for her, that space is invaluable to her( I mean mental and psychological for freedom to choose and decide). 

Renuka Gupta ( Gender Researcher )     13 September 2010

also it is a hard fact again that to circumvent the laws, inheritance rights are given away in wills and gift deeds to the male members of the family or daughters are encouraged to sign off their rights in favour of their brothers. I am not talking here about ultra wealthy or upper middle class...well here also I suspect if women have equal property rights ....i am talking about the majority of women across all religions, across cities and villages.  

Renuka Gupta ( Gender Researcher )     13 September 2010

Sorry , there are a few copy editing mistakes here. One I noticed  is Hindi women, please read it as Hindu women

Others not so serious. I am sure you can make out the meaning in the context. 

Renuka Gupta ( Gender Researcher )     13 September 2010

Addition to my previous posting

I am not at all saying that parents do not love their daughters--though there are lot of instances where daughters are considered a burden because of the social norms( which makes dowry a necessary evil)  that are biased against her--but we have to go deeper into the nature of that love when we are talking about the empowerment of a girl children. A parent who is sending her girl child to tough trekking course is no less loving to her daughter than the parents who are over protective of her/his daughter and consider daughters should be  sweet like sugars and boys should be hard like rocks, so that daughters will be deprived of the thrill and skill of hard trekking and boy would be deprived of being a dancer if he wishes to--now I am again not denying that men dancers are not there..I am talking about not exceptions but majority of the cases of how we inculcate stereotypical values in our children in the name of love.

Now the same love would not let the girl decide on her life course in most cases because a daughter is "Paraya Dhan"( others' property) a daughter is like a bird who will fly off the nest, and a son would continue the Vansh and vansh parmpara( family lineage and tradition of the family) . So obviously a daughter will not be encouraged in the normal course to make decisions in her life journey and ofcourse I agree that reasons are patriarchal and male dominated social and cultural norms and the love for the children is also conditioned/confined within those boundaries.

Or else why would we hear that a woman is abused in her marital home, goes to her natal home, is advised to tolerate for the sake of honor of both families( now my friends, there are cases like this too) and finally rather than going to her matrimonial home, she on the way jumps in a well because she knows there is no support system and she cannot rely on her natal family, or may be does not want to rely on them because after all she is an alien in what used to be her own space in her childhood, and she would not be able to live there in dignity especially if her brother too is married and staying along with her parent/s. Hats off to parents who have tried to understand the problems( genuine)  the daughter is going through and convinced her that the space is still hers and she has unfettered rights to use it . 

But we will be just moving in the circle if  we do not become the change we are espousing. Just saying dowry should not be given because it is an offense will not solve the problem, for the reasons Aishwarys has pointed out, unless the girl child is nurtured into a grown up adult whose capacities have been nurtured in the fullest sense of the term: capacity to realize her own potential, capacity to decide on her life course( that does not mean she would not respect her parents or would not love her parents). So her journey towards her empowerment would begin from her home, from her childhood through adulthood, and the part of that life she spends in her natal home would play a crucial part in ensuring that she is prepared to face all the ups and downs of life with dignity, confidence  and awareness of her rights, including the ups and downs of her marital life with dignity, confidence and awareness of her rights. Then questioning the age old norms of her natal home becomes as much a legitimate exercise on her part as questioning the age old norms which are biased against her( by implication, women) in her marital home. But that capacity to question, and resist against the norms which would not let her "be" have to be encouraged in her childhood at her home and to a major part in school the two powerful sites of socialization.

 This posting should not be misunderstood that I am not serious about my previous postings on opportunity cost and maintenance/compensation  entitlements of a woman in the divorce and domestic violence cases(I mean genuine cases).

1 Like

Bhartiya No. 1 (Nationalist)     14 September 2010

It is very much relevant topic.

“Parents worry about finding the money to pay the wedding dowries of daughters” Sandhya Reddy, Aarti Children's Home (who runs a children's home, cares for abandoned kids, and tries to persuade mothers to keep their daughters or girl fetuses. This angel of mercy brings love, care and opportunity to society's young rejects.)


Bhartiya No. 1 (Nationalist)     14 September 2010

Here I am Pasting excerpts of 

“India's Missing Girls and the Right to Choose” Written by Rusty Wright and Meg Korpi


"Last summer, a farmer in southern India discovered a tiny human hand poking from the ground. A two-day-old baby girl had been buried alive. The reason? Much of Indian culture favors males over females, sometimes brutally so. The girl's grandfather confessed to attempting murder because his family already had too many females; keeping this one would be too costly.

This wasn't an isolated incident on the subcontinent according to award-winning filmmaker Ashok Prasad. Prasad spoke recently at Stanford University at the U.S. premiere of his BBC documentary "India's Missing Girls." Anti-female bias affects Indians rich and poor. Males can perpetuate the family name, bring wealth, and care for elderly parents. A female's family typically must pay a huge dowry when she weds, often depleting family resources. A popular Hindi aphorism: "Having a girl is to plant a seed in someone else's garden.""





Renuka Gupta ( Gender Researcher )     14 September 2010

@ Ashutosh Ji

and that's why I am more and more convinced that we need to work agreesively on the empowerment of girl child and should not dissociate girl child empowerment from the empowerment of women. I know the topic is relevant but then let us focus on solution too because as a gender researcher I know mapping the issues are important but so are mapping solutions.

So we are not saying two different things, what is probably not taking being taken into account in this discussion is the life cycle of women and how throughout the life cycle she has to face the oppression of anti women cultural values. My contention is we cant ignore the patriarchy in the natal homes of a woman as much as we cant ignore the patriarchy which function in the marital home of a woman. While saying I am fully aware that not all natal home and not all marital homes discriminate against women, but most do.

Bhartiya No. 1 (Nationalist)     14 September 2010

We must go after solution.

Changes are taking place, but pace is slow.

Presently we are going thru the transition phase.

Now people have started realising that daughters are more reliable, emotional blood relations.

You may see the results of the exams of 10th (Any board) and 12th girls are doing better.




I never said "NO" to women empowerment....It's happening,though slowly...I'm up for it...


And it'll take a v.long time b4 all women get fully empowered and Indian people's mentality towards them changes fully


I'm saying a v.simple thing in my 1st post that meanwhile,we shud enact laws to completely end useless spending on marriages and promote v.simple court or temple marriages wherein expenses are divided on 50:50 basis b/w both parties,if they choose to go for the 2nd option.....


alongwith empowerment if they are given help from society also in this manner as i suggested ,their "struggle" will be easier to end this menace......where is the question of empowering women when they are not even allowed to be born,as in female infanticide becoz of this pressure of depleting life's savings in marriage?




If my views are disagreed to,dats fine.......But i stand by them...


Have a good day to all of you !!


How long this wrangling will go on?

R.Ranganathan (Advocate)     14 September 2010

Let it go on. Some want to extend it to the maximum possible unless the Admin come and put a end to this, I feel. They may get satisfaction in this. Anyway, all things said and done, this matter cannot get settled here. It will take its own course and the only best way is

"Each and every individual should think of it and take some positive action in their own families first, then in their society and then in the community and in the country they belong and lastly in the world". So the beginning to be made is by the individual family members and not others who can continously go on and on and on talking telling stories and other incidents. It is like the phrases "not seeing the end of the tunnel", not sighting the shore" "not sighting the ship", these seem to be appropriate for this topic which is endlessly going on. 


How long this wrangling will go on?

Renuka Gupta ( Gender Researcher )     14 September 2010

@ Jogeshwar

If you are not interested, do not bother about the thread. Obviously people are interested in this issue and that's why this thread has to attract so many replies. No one is forcing anyone to participate or challenging one to participate. Staying away from a thread that does not interest one is much healthier than calling others' opinions as wrangling.

1 Like


"Staying away from a thread that does not interest one is much healthier than calling others' opinions as wrangling."

What do want to achieve by this noise?Opinions for opinion sake?

Renuka Gupta ( Gender Researcher )     14 September 2010

and what do you want to achieve? So do not add your noise to an already noisy thread! 

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