What to do: file a divorce or keep a mistress?

Dear Sir,

498A is applicable not necessarily for Dowry harrassment it is applicable even for physical or mental abuse by husband and/or his relatives.  Who instigates or abets violence is not the point in courts.  Whatever she says or does, have you behaved yourself or not is the point.  Law says, beating your wife means "taking law into your own hands".  If you have any problem with your wife you have to keep quiet and not tell the court and simultaneously you should not take law into your own hands.   That means if I have any problem with my wife I cannot tell the court but if I beat her court will say you have taken law into your own hands. 

You cannot say, if you don't want to hear my problem with her why do you want to hear what I did with her to sort out my problem?

a) I understand very well violance is not acceptable.

b) I am not a person to lie, if in court asked, I will surely tell the truth

c) Let court decide what it wants, i will accept the punishment as I deserve

d) I have changed, i don't do what I used to do, under extreme provocation and insult.

    I understand that woman can never be at fault so why talk of it.

My question is still un- answered

a) If you had done physical violance 20 years back, can you be punished? What is the statement comes from you stating facts and not as complain from wife? How old cases can you be punished?

b) If I move out of home and take mistress (Forget the right of mistress and children there off),

 what can my wife file case for?

Court will ask her if you are beaten 20 years back why are you complaining now. So no case on that front. Coming to keeping a mistress, as long as you don't marry her your wife cannot do anything against you under criminal law.  But rights relating to your property would legally rest with your wife only not with your mistress.

I read a chennai court  where it was found fully legal to use his own hard earned fund to support his mistress and the family/ Let me see what it means

a) My wife will comfortably staying in IITD apprtment and I will have to stay outside and then start openly looking for mistress.

b) It is not just her, IITD law doesnot allow me marry twice without divorce, though Hema ji was second wife in Indian parliament, and Indian goverment couldnot do anything as they are e;ected members.

c) I have to be sincere and careful

d) Even if she doesnot go for divorce, I would actually like to go to court to decide devision of property, allimony etc. before taking mistress so that mistress knows what she is getting into. Since I am the earning member and My mistress will be permanent and might either have prior children and/or future children obviously I need to satisfy their future too.

Thanks for the simple english answer.

ADHD is a serious mental/ psychological illness and very commonly occurs in conjunction with other illnesses like Bipolar or Borderline. These people have serious handicaps and quite often are incapable of handling relationship issues. The way you have put the blame of a failed relationship on your wife

1. you very often negated what you once earlier admitted (like you yourself admitted having an affair and then negated it saying it was a mental affair subsequently) or

2. you failed to describe how painful your extramaritial would have been for your wife including what you did subsequently to win back her trust and sense of security with you, or

3. you attribute your taking up PhD job at her will (I fear what kind of research you would have done and how much you would be liking or would be being liked in your present job; PhD being a totally owner's decision unlike a job where a person takes decisions based on family etc.) or

4. the way you dramatize your relation with your son

All these things are indicative of a very serious flaw in your make-up. You can't afford a relationship, howsoever good it is, until you work on urself or let your therapist work on you.

As far as your marriage goes, I seriously don't know why your wife is "introvert" or "workoholic", as you described. This may be her persona, may be you like these when you loved her so much as to marry her and not think of leaving her, when you didn't have a baby for 8 years. Her life is already spoiled. Unfortunately, for males there is no menopause or it is very late. Plus, the Indian society, which will not allow her to live happily even if single (so your case of "punishing her" as you have repeatedly written....punishing her for taking control of your life. But were you controlled? Could she really get rid of your extramaritial affairs? No....then why still hold a grudge against her? )

An impartial observer can see her introversion as a reaction to being physically and mentally violated multiple times in multiple ways. And probably she is straight, as she keeps her spirits up by being independent, hardworking and not complaing with extraversion to "n" number of people. Otw, some cool souls would have trained her of how to be even with you. Including having an affair herself. For males, female are also possessions (this is their make-up), so a female into extra-maritial is very harsh as it indicates that the male is not manly enough. Be thankful, that you have a steady relationship.  With your level of emotional immaturity, and until you work on yourself, we can not anticipate any relationship, whatsoever. There is no use crying waif. Pray God! you still have someone to bash up!!

Debasish, I am not anti Tajob.I really did not understand his reply.

Cutie, I appreciate your reply. I am trying hard. I know that many of the problems are

because I am abnormal : ADHD, AGNOSTIC, always forgetting, straight forward.

 an't lie as required by societal needs, spak to every one (like I am doing here),

create problem in IIT and every where by asking inconvinient questions which even a

single faculty in 50 years have not asked (like asking : Who gave the right to IITD

to own what we discover by paying such small salary?, show document. IIT failed to show

document, to the contrary every time e file patent, we have to sign "We unilaterally and

unconditionally assign the invention to IIT" meaning we are the actual owner. What can I do?

From my childhood I was strange, was that my fault? ADHD are strange people,

they change the world, can you handle them?

But note, I have not yet left her,

All my feeling is:  I am not going to suffer all my life : Monopause or not..

Is she under monopause : she should explain. i asked her, do you have biological problems : no

Problem is distrust and my past aggresion.

And she is not ready to understand that I myself was a victim of her unable to handle my agnotism and

unable eat properly or behave properly in society , like eating even before guest ate, etc.

and at the end unable to handle my son's ADHD also.

I alternately asked: Just show me that you and son can get well together

I will help as you like...   sorry not possible.

Thanks any way..

you are providing us the legal clues to keep a keep.

Once I met a legal conuncellor (2 lady and 1 man)  in Saket family court. They heard my case

for almost 3 hours free. They told me indeed I was a strange person. Finally the lady told me:

If your wife do not want a divorce, don't file for divorce, it will be mentally and ecconomically draining.

Move out and maintain a parallel life, come home and do all your duty to your first wife too.

legally as long as  the mistress is a single or divorcee, there is no problem.

And don't legally marry her.

I wondered - A lady giving me advice, I didnot even ask that question, I only went to find out the procedure of divorce.

Hi Professor,

This is my last piece in this string...take it or leave it...make ur life and of others related to you better or destroy everything you have at present....choice is urs:

1. Nobody asks for being born a deaf or blind and nobody deserves to have ADHD or any such mental illness. Life is not all that fair. But, man has ways out of his miseries, thanks to science. Today, we can control/ normalize most of such mental illnesses and cure quite a few of them. Look for psychiatrist/ psychologists and seek therapies in alternate medicines like Reiki, Hypnotherapy etc., simultaneously to get toa more normal state. You are seeking happiness in relationships, s*xual or otherwise. But, problem is that u r right. You have a brain which belongs to Mars while a body just like we earthly beings. This gives you immense potential, since you are not bound by the way earthly beings think and thinking out of the box is more natural too. This is your strength. It shall be of great use in ur research work, if it is more technical and solitary in nature. But, the moment you bring in a co-worker or a partner of any sorts, there are two people and there are interaction effects!!! What you conceptualize and think has never hit the earthly being and vice-versa i.e. you don't understand what is their thinking, expectation, judgement etc. about any work you together undertake. So, you have a guaranteed failure, if you seek happiness in relationships or when the larger world out there has a big propensity to influence your decision.

2. Therefore, what best can be done is to play on your strength by enjoying doing solitarily like may be ur research work, while strengthening your position of weakness, i.e. having medications, therapies etc., which normalize your behaviour and opens you up to be able to understand other people and their reactions/ expectations etc.

3. Also, Science is progressing fast. Although, we may not be able to cure ADHD, Bipolar etc. today; very soon maybe in next decade or two, we'll be able to cure them as well. Therefore, I may hope to see your problem fully cured in your lifetime only. But, more importantly, your son can be cured and may not have to suffer the way you have done, all your life. However, for that larger objective, you need to control his illness even more so that it doesn't reach an uncureable phase till he grows up. He should immediately be put on medication/ therapies. However, more importantly, you as a responsible parent (you said you love your child more than his mother) need to give him family support. Sending him out for a hostel, seeking illicit s*xual relationships which only bring in more unhappiness for your family etc. shall only ensure that you send him to a point where no recovery may be possible for him.

4. Ask urself: Was I happy after illicit s*x and s*x chase? Most mental handicaps have abnormally high s*x drive or addictions as well. These are symtoms to your disease and therefore not normal as well. Your wife probably is weak or loves you or any reason I can't conceive of, that she has stayed a mute observer to your dalliances. By your own admission, you are not very popular with IIT folks and have done bizzarre things in past. Do you think, any mistress will not take advantage of ur illness tommorrow? Why shouldn't she? You are presenting yourself as a food, for any smart girl to take you on and then arbitrage your position, in numerable ways. You might stand to lose all you have: the prestige of being an intellectual, ur job, ur money, ur son and who knows ur life as well. If it would have given you the ultimate happiness/ pleasure you are seeking, then it would still have been worth a try. But, ask yourself- Do you really find any happiness in any relationship, whatsoever, with earthy beings? You will not. Happiness will be ever elusive to you, if you tryu to find it in this manner.

5. Shed your distrust. Seek a good doctor and therapist. Get involved with your cure. Take your son along too. You'll find pleasure, as you'll observe that with time (don't expect it too soon though, a year or two will take it to normalize your situation), your significant relationships will start to get back trust in you. You'll get a sense of security too. Then get to something you enjoy doing, solitary pursuits. May be you are made for bigger things!!! Best of luck!

Misses cutie suggestions will only boost moral, happiness, ego and control of your wife not your happiness. so be cautious.

any way this cutie will soon became-"account deleted" so more cautious. 

@Debashish,

why should my account be deleted? If not anything else, atleast I am helping reduce the number of court cases, which yield 20 years or more without any result. I didn't see anything than a vacillating point of view and a callous approach like "super bug chacha" from you, in a rather painful story. You may take any stance, but this attitude seems unnecessary.

Dear Cutie,

     I am really touched by your sincere and frank thoughtful reply. Please don’t make this the last communication. Look I am being sincere. It may sound proud, but how else can you speak the truth but by speaking truth?

Sorry, I was very popular teacher of all students all my life from age 10 when I was in hostel. One friend told me recently “I beat you and after 15 minute come to you to help me understand maths, you don’t even remember that I had beaten you.”  All my friends in RKM or IIT Chennai (I was IIT JEE 326 JEE ranker, but only 68% in class X) remember me as a teacher who never took notes.  I have about 10 people working under me and all work so nicely, 4/5 companies work for me. No one has problem. All my family friends do not have problem because they understand what I can’t do.

But not to say, I am working to help myself and my son .  Doctor has stopped medication now but will resume in summer vacation.

You have misunderstood me, I can entertain a crowd, unknown to me by singing unruly songs, talking crazy logics of life like “man is supposed to be more beautiful then women, and we have destroyed the earth by reversing the role, ref: swambar” I am a very very popular person. So is my son, our problem is FINE MOTOR SKILL, FORGETFUL ness  - never ever memorized a single poetry in life, unorganized (My staff keeps my things organized and filed to run a great show). Entertaining people is never our weakness. Truthfulness and boldness is our strength. Often too bold and truthful for the world.

ADHD parents/friends/wives/husbands  should understand that the child/person cannot do these and to expect  them to do these puts a unnecessary pressure on their brain and  will destroy their creativity and greatness and they should be complemented (tare Jamin pe), helped and never degraded. I say my childhood in Tare Jamin pe.

Medication therapy :  yes we are indeed doing so. Thanks.

Sorry, I will not have any illicit relationship. It will be published in new paper, almost like marriage, Only it will not be called marriage because law does not permit it. And who ever the lady be if at all has to first understand what she is getting into, show that she can love my son, understand he is ADHD, can sing song and is lively. Trust  and respect me and complement me and not try correcting us.

And I will give my wife enough time to change too, she will also be eligible to apply for this post..

I am opting this way because she is unable to understand the matter at all. I pity her but cannot suffer eternally.

“Ask urself: Was I happy after illicit s*x and s*x chase?”

Sorry, I never did this. I was always very loyal. I was the ideal boy, all my friends in school and college and professors of IITM knew about her how always I used to never stop talking about her.  I was never like that.  Well, boys are boys, when a beautiful girl passes by they look, as if women don’t.

“By your own admission, you are not very popular with IIT folks and have done bizzarre things in past.”

Slight difference: I am a problem creator. I ask all sort of strange  questions that creates problems in society. In the beginning everything in Delhi looked so strange from Japan or Chennai point of view. Most found my questions revolting first, at second thought as unanswerable, third acceptable and finally changes IITD.

I am not at all unpopular, I was famous for asking too many questions, but with time I realized that the society is not worthy of my questions and stopped asking questions, now they complain that they miss my questions. For example I asked a basic question: Why should IITs exist? We are engineering college. 90% of our main product in last 50 years – the Btech did not become engineers, are we bothered? At 326 JEE I choose Civil eng and never regretted.

Happiness will be illusive to me : a warning well taken. You have talked about it. I have started taking structured changes to make me happy. I started asking what makes me happy?

a)    I love children and I love teaching. My students love my lectures. They get hypnotized for all that I talked. Yesterday a foreign student was recording my voice.  – so I plan to go and teach maths / physics to poor children in orphanage. I simply can’t live without children.

b)    I love songs, might join some place where there is loud songs. I will look for chorus groups or even Hare Krishna  group, even though I am agnostic.

I will seek out partner only when I am happy. At present, I will get monkeys looking for a professor status or money. When I am happy I will get what I deserve if at all I deserve. I will wait. And till that day if my wife changes, I will take her back too.

At present, I am suffering, so is my son.  In hostel he is so happy. I am afraid what will happen when he come back for vacation. This will be my wife’s  most important test. I plan to leave home after he goes back from vacation.

At the end, I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart. If you wish to know me more, please send me a PM , I will feel grateful to you. If you wish to help you can talk to my wife and help her understand me.  My counsellor say your reply and also though your analysis was perfectly correct. Thanks. Thanks. 

@Ms Cutie

@Debashish,why should my account be deleted?

Ms Cutie , here some ladies developed a habbit of daily creating an account and deleting it, after some rude posting. 

@Debashish

Maybe.....but you seem quite biased in your approach. Secondly, if it was "rude" by any standards, I don't think the defendent would be thanking me. Forthrightness is often confused by some people as "rude". However, you have been nothing else but "rude", in all your comments earlier, to whosoever you addressed in this string. Probably, you need to correct your habit, not "habbit". ;)