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get_strong (engineer)     30 August 2013

Marriage-husband not allowing me to live together


I was into an abusive relationship.Too much of interference from mother in law,sister in law and other relatives inside the married life.My husband was an abuser who emotionally tortured me,abused me,& bullied me .I tried to take him for marriage counselling,several times explained how hurt i m.But he dint cooperative but continued beyond my tolerance.

I just gave police in petition to educate his relatives and him to stop abusing me emotionally.That day he gave in writing that he will correct his behaviour.

But he dint allow me to enter his home.For several days they were absconding.Later relatives intervened to request him ,but he dint agree to stay with me.He claims their family respect is down since i visited police station.Even he said big no during counselling in station and challenged police to arrest him.

But i dont intend to give any complaint,havenot filed any complaint yet.Police says they can only educate him to stay together,but have no rights to forcefully let me inside their home,they cant help.

He is again now absconding.His mom replies i should go in search of my husband,she is not responsible for my married life.And she has falsly filed the petion that i am harrassing her that i would file false dowry case.

I have no intention to file complaint,and case with restoration of conjugal rights will take lot of time.I want to save my marriage.But my husband is denying.

What shall i  do?


 30 Replies

Tajobsindia (Senior Partner )     30 August 2013

1. File 'divorce' on grounds of cruelties OR file ‘separation suit’ OR even can file 'RCR' and strive to most probably get away from alleged to be 'abusive' relationship in your own alleged wordings.
When on your complaint police didnot restore family harmony – peace, which in my opinion ought not to have been used at first by you, then RCR or other in-direct methods never works with one un-willing spouse to restore back family re-union as use of police makes one spouse distance away in retaliation. The moment you file divorce or separation or RCR as suggested above re-conciliation / mediation done by Family Court happens. There express wish for sending couple for marriage counseling and try help of counselors bilaterally for saving marriage failing which press for Mutual Consent Divorce and with realistic alimony party ways from an alleged to be ‘abusive relationship’.
Police force should never be used in re-union a alleged to be ‘failed marriage’.
Addendum reason being till a spouse personal family matters are remaining in CIVIL DOMAINS all disputes - matters are somewhat restituted – resolvable with say use of - intervention of selected civil alternate dispute resolutions such as; setting up panchayat / elders interventions to resolve issues of couples OR sometimes by giving an signed undertaking of certain do’s and don’ts by respective couples OR sometimes by marriage counselors intervention to pacify one or both spouse during unilateral or bilateral counseling sittings etc.
Hence CIVIL domain remedies should always be resorted to as first mode of action – act – response and in the event failing which Police as in Criminal Family Law remedies to be resorted to and failing all these pure MCD (mutual consent divorce) is best suitable remedy to get away from alleged to ‘abusive’ relationship with least hurt and chance given to self for faster re-starting once life afresh. Family laws in India are quite adversial as in both spouse have ample ways to disturb each others happiness for years in various Court corridors till they after such meetings in corridors understand each other limits and by that time a realization hits and then it becomes too late to save a marriage!
Divorce is no more dirty word in great Indian middle class societies and living in a ‘abusive relationship’ is like living with a dirty lifestyle which is not healthy for once body, mind and soul.

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U din mention details as to y he is not allowing u to come home ,his job ...pls let me know the details ..don't think of mutual divorce becomes very easy for men...


His reaction is obvious you dragged his relatives and parents to police station. Sure his relatives are not living with you. they might leading their own family life.It doesnt mean your marital life is not working everyone is responsible.So it might be like either of you should take the responsibility not relatives or parents.He lost respect. You took him to police station , so you cant threaten him to live with you.

You saying he is abusive and at the same time you want to live with him. Today you said he is abusive tomorrow you might say something else.There is a reason he is scared/avoiding  to live with you. 

Your intentions are v clear like you saying he is abusive, his parents are abusive, his relatives are abusive, they all are responsible for everything, you are nice cooperative woman to lead a marriage life. you are saying they are not compatible with you, but you are compatible with them. 

You could clearly understand how you are not making sense to anyone. You are firm,right and cooperative, they are all abusive. you cant be happy file for DIVORCE WHY DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WITH. 


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don't think of mutual divorce becomes very easy for men...

Sufferer 22.........If the whole point is to make difficult for men and hard for them to be in relationship. It is not good for her either and also she just loose her life ending up with abusive relationship.  If she really want to punish she could opt for other laws make him go to jail for his abusive behaviour.


You should not have gone to police. negotiation and patience is very much needed in family relations. Instead you chose Law and order. How can you say that he abused you emotionally? Supposing you are right that he abused you emotionally and supposing that its right for you to approach the police!

Then now think for a moment, you going to police is also one way emotional blackmailing to your husband? You cannot make your husband love you by force? no marriage stands when ego and force is applied. Now its your husband's choice to believe you or not. Like you chose your path he also got to chose his path.

Police, Law should be the last resort in a relationship.

Nothing much you can do now, either you abuse all the sections available to threaten your husband more or go for a amicable divorce.

In my opinion, you are heading towards divorce.   


You are rightly advised by  Tajobsindia..............

Samir N (General Queries) (Business)     30 August 2013

Try to find out REALLY why he is doing what he is doing. May be there is something that you are doing to him that brings the bad out from him? It is easy to blame husband and seek sympathy. Have you tried nicer ways of bringing him back? No threats, no complaints, nothing...

get_strong (engineer)     30 August 2013

Hi m a  software engineer .He is a merchandiser at a textile company.

He and his family are believing that i brought down their house respect by writing a petition in police station.Thats the reason they doesnot want to allow me inside.


I havenot dragged anybody to station.They have behaved very cruel with me,for my protection i visited the police station.Relatives are not living with us,but they are living near the same locality.

i dont make their relatives responsible for my marriage.I havenot included their relatives name in the petition.

And this is not the first time they have gathered relatives to insult me and abuse me.I have just like you told 1000 times,that I and my husband are responsible for marriage,and any problems we should handle it ourselves.If we cannot ,then we can go visit a marriage counseller or pscychiatrist.

But my mother in law and sister in law wants to interfere for every small issues,call all their relatives,make issue,create nuisence,and get me punished.

dont you think its cruel,when i return from office at 9.30 and see 15-20 of their relatives,and nobody gives me chance to speak.Only my husband,sister in law and mother in law makes allegations like i dint do pooja,dint prepare breakfast etc etc etc.And their relatives adress me badly and makes threatning and bullying comments.

I only wanted to save myself from this abuse,that was repeating every 15 days once.I requested them several times to not practice this appraoch as its insulting and emotional torture,warned them several times to call police,i myself suffered from depression.

But insensitive ,cruel people cant understand how it makes a girl face this hurdles along with hectic work schedule.they constantly demanded for my earnings and my mothers money.when i dint satisfy them,they started using this tacticis.

My intention was not divorce,only to make him understand its cruel and stop his family from bullying me.What was the option i had other than petition,when they couldnot understand how terribly i was tortured emotionally.

Pls make sense,when replying.

If he feels threatning to live with me,he should come out and communicate and ask for mutual divorce.I would give him,without even asking for single rupee.he was not allowing me to live with him peacefully,now not letting me inside home,nor giving divorce.

Where should i stay and how should i live in this society?they are spreading stories now like i only ran away from home!!! such cruel people they are

get_strong (engineer)     30 August 2013

I tried all ways.Almost 15 times  nyaya panchayats  happened in front of my relatives.Even my relatives say he needs counselling.But he dint cooperate to come to proper doctor.We visted his family doctor who is a physiologist.He also scolded him to act like an educated.

He has problem with everything and i feel suffocating dealing with him.He will insult me in front of everyone for small mistakes,he is suspecious about me,he doesnot allow me to spaek to anyone,constantly checks my phone,inbox,mails etc.Very higly shorttempered and money minded.

I even said him,i will give away all tyhe money i has,but please stop abusing and insulting.

Pls go through link to find out the details of his behaviour.


Same was the case with my wife. Her father being a police officer abused his power to threaten me. I lost my patience totally. I told him clearly you don't spoil the relationship, one day your daughter will only blame you. But he didn't listen to me.

Now during the last 6months, they called hundreds of times apologizing for their behavior and false complaints. I cannot believe them anymore. 

Its easy to destroy anything but its very hard to construct. I pity all those women who think that in the name of rights and by force, they can make their husbands love them. No man will succumb to pressure. 

2 Like

get_strong (engineer)     30 August 2013

@Tajobsindia?what is RCR technically ? true but there are social implications for getting divorce.I m froma true helpless family,where i lost my father few years back,and have only an aged and innocent mother.I have to earn and eat,have no property or supporters.Once divorced,society will treat like a stuffed sold in seconds sale.I dont want to suffer socail stigma,its hard to find second spouse.And as of now,i have created hatredness for male dominent nature,and all men are same.

I wont even get back the money we spent for marriage which was the compensation for my dad death by the government.I earn double his income so not even eligible for maintainence.

I will be the sufferrer and looser.No such law or police rules to help actual women in distress

get_strong (engineer)     30 August 2013

even i urge marriage is a personal relationship and is to be handled my couples themselves.It would take some time or years to bring in the frequency matched and chemistry worked.Till then patience is the must.But nobody seems to understand,relatives are curious and wants entertainment.They only used to call and bring all relatives.I never wanted even my mom to interfere.

They had good support from relatives who were all time free to interfere and give their veiws and opininons,even though they dint practice.But i was helpless.

get_strong (engineer)     30 August 2013

i tried all my ways with patience and helplessness.I used to cry whole nights in the day they abused me,i was treated for depression,i told them again and again to stop behaving like this.My principle is to live and let live.But they only wanted to live.They value only money

Tajobsindia (Senior Partner )     30 August 2013

@ Author

I read your generic replies which are very common and we hear them in Chambers either from a wife or from a husband.
Your option was filing a 'separation' suit in Civil Court under your personal Laws.  That way for a year your legal ties would have remained intact in the eyes of society that both of you keep and simultaneously would have given him - his side time to re-think and most probably with peace of life you would have grown professionally minus love - company of a spouse!
After a year the decree matter if not re-consoled between you two then it would have ended up in divorce, be it even mutual consent divorce. That way society that you keep would have understood that you were right spouse and took right remedies under Civil laws. Chances of re-marriage are subjective option(s) for any spouse with similar facts and many spouse post divorce do enjoy life as single's do, as now-a-days avenues in society are much wider to keep oneself socially active, grownup and enlightened.
Today internal 'peace' are more important when family life are breaking on drop of a plate in a couples kitchen. Look anywhere we hear same facts. With internal peace spouse gets time to re-think and peace is always considered as a Civil remedy.
I have no belief in 'stigma' or emotive 'first hand - second hand spouse' stuffs as urban lifestyle is seeing sea change in Asian cultures scenarios and what was once considered sacrosanct is today pushed to 'empowerment' bucket. There was a time when virgin for a bride was on top of prospective grooms - his side's head today such thinking is no more, then time came for 'climbing status' (dowry came into picture) of weaker section of society and no time has come wherein several Orwellian programs churned by so called populist Govt. is trying to peddle as soaps to 'empower' weaker sections so see the change family is undergoing be it young marriage or old marriage.

Suggest to give your current social status - stage of life a pause instead of rambling in legal forums as you will receive for and against replies and some will even demean your social progress as in Family Laws first remedy always falls by way of Civil suit as cause of action failing which mutual consent and unless one has capacity to withstand for years harsh adversial criminal family laws, they should be used as last resort.

RCR is Civil Family Law procedure where aggrieved spouse claims via Court restitution of h/er conjugal rights i.e. right to matrimony from opposite spouse. Even if Courts grants that to an aggrieved spouse h/er rights to conjugality the Court(s) finds it difficult to bind an uncooperative opposite spouse to accept RCR decree. In such un-events the Court Decree remains as Paper Decree. Post 1 year of its passing, the decree holder out of frustration seeks Divorce Decree showing its default by uncooperative opposite spouse. However in some cases opposite spouse do accept the other spouse and re-start afresh their marriage.  The Constitutional validity of such check-balance Decree procedure is up-held by Hon’ble SC unlike many saying it is a useless provision built in HMA.

For return of your stridhan and dowry articles Civil remedy is under S. 27 HMA which can be invoked with RCR and/or even during Divorce proceedings and/or even during separation civil suits proceedings and not necessarily that one opt for its (there) return under Criminal Law invocation such as S. 406 IPC which one replier may suggest in a short while is my view!
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