udhay (Software Engineer) 26 May 2011

Harassed by mother,need separation

Hi ,

I am a 25 yr old male living in Chennai. My dad died about 5 yrs back of a heart attack. At that time I was doing my graduation. After that I was very attached to my mother and was being her only support and she was the only support for me. But for the past 1 year, she has changed a lot or probably I found her real character. She is literally treating me like her slave and expects me to listen every word of hers. She wants me to dance to her tunes and she wants to live my life. She is very greedy and she always wants me to give her money and jewels. She is not happy with my salary and wants me to switch jobs often so that I can get a higher pay. I give her my entire salary every month for household expenses and jewels for her. For my daily expenses, like lunch/ tea/coffee also, I get money from her. Yet she is not happy. I am in love with a girl whom my mom doesn’t like and she wants me to marry the girl that she has selected for me. She is forcing me to marry her. She always says that my girlfriend is very bad and she brainwashed me and separated me from her. For every small thing she pulls my girlfriend’s name and blames her. She always curses and abuses me and my girl friend. In my office she made one of my colleagues to spy on me to inform her whether I am meeting my girl friend. Because of her my name got spoilt in my work place. Wherever she goes, she tells our relatives, friends and neighbors that I am bad and spoils my name. She calls me hundred times a day when I am in office and abuses me and asks me to leave my girl friend and marry the girl she found. My peace of mind and health is totally screwed up. When I come back home she is ready with a fight every day. We have horrible fights and arguments every day. And if the argument worsens, she shouts and creates a big scene. She screams for help. If I get angry and shout back, she threatens that she ll die .Sometimes she even hurts herself. She doesn’t have love nor care for me as a mother. She just has some sort of vengeance on me, I don’t know for whatever reason. It is very obvious that she is just using me as a money making machine. I want to leave her and move out of my house to be independent. I just cant take this pain anymore. But if I say that I am moving out, she says its my duty as her son, to give her money and take care of her life long. She says I am indebted to her as she spent money for my studies because of which I am earning now. But it was my dad who spent his money. My mom was always a housewife. She threatens that if I leave her, she ll take legal action on me for abandoning my parent. Can she take any legal action on me? I am ready to send her money every month but I want a permanent separation from her in such a way that she never interferes into my life again and never intrudes into my personal space. Kindly advise. It may surprising for you that I am talking this way, about my mother. But I have shared my true experience.

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3 Replies

(Guest)

Your mum is lonely after your dad's death.I think you are the only child.Now she fears losing you.Hence she's more possessive about you and acting like this.The more you run away from her,the more insecure she gets and therefore treats you in these ways so that you don;t leave her.

I think you should take a few of your kind hearted relatives into confidence who understand you v.well and also empathise with your mum.Tell them to come and stay with your mum so that her mind gets distracted.If you have any trustworthy aunt or any cousin living alone in the same city as your mum,ask him to stay with your mum permanently,if that's feasible.You mum will get a good company and she'll forget her pain as time passes.

If that's not practical,tell them to take your mum alongwith them to stay with them for some time,for a change.Take their help in getting her involved into some constructive activity,like social service,knitting,outing,teaching poor children etc which make her feel valued.

And most importantly,take your mum to a psychiatrist.If you ignore this warning,she may worsen.If she needs medicines,he'll prescribe.If she doesn't he'll refer her to a psychologist.

Good luck!

udhay (Software Engineer) 27 May 2011

Hi meenal,

Thanks for your reply. I have tried everything you told and nothing worked. I asked her to come to psychiatrist. She says she is not mad and refuses to come. She is so arrogant. For the past one year I was very patient even though she tortured me, I thought she is my mother after all and I have to bear with her. But day by day things are worsening and I feel it’s high time I left her. She doesn’t have any psychological problem or insecure feeling. Even I thought the same way initially. But she is very clear in what she is doing. She wants only money from me. She complains that I am not getting her enough money. I am not her only child , I have a younger brother. He is her favorite son. He doesn’t have a proper job and gets her no money but still she doesn’t complain or scold him. It was me who improved the financial status of our family out of my hard work. I paid all the loans we had. Still she has no gratitude for me. I don’t want her to show any gratitude also. I know I did my duty to my family. But the least thing I ask is peace of mind and the right to live my life the way I want. But she says I have to obey her orders only. As you said, if she is feeling lonely after my dad's death she should have behaved like for the past five years. But she is like this only since the last 1.5 yrs .And moreover she didn’t love my dad that much to miss him as you say. She always used to complain about him behind his back. She had no guts to fight him, so if she is angry on him, she used to show the frustrations on me. I am the scapegoat for her. Since last year, she is behaving like this and I thought the entry of my girl friend is the reason. So for the last few months I reduced my communications with my girl friend and convinced my mom that I left my girl friend. Still there is no change. Even now she pulls my girl friend’s name for everything whether she is related to the context or not. The problem will be of something else, but she blames her for that. I lost all my peace. I lost my health. I have high blood pressure and when she creates problems like this, my BP shoots up. One day before I was leaving for work, she started a big fight .When I was heading to work, I fainted in the road. When I told her that she said I am acting. I have wheezing problem, one night it became so worse that I was suffering to breathe. I wanted to go to hospital , but she said I am acting and refused to help me to the hospital. I went all alone to hospital in the midnight when I was suffering even to breathe. It is very obvious that she has no love for me. Sometimes, I wonder if I was really born to her. I am clueless what made her hate me like this. Once when we had a fight I left home and I didn’t return home the whole night. Next morning I went home and found that she didn’t even panic or search for me. I think she won’t even cry if I die. I have made up my mind that I need to leave the house. I don’t want any asset. I don’t want any share in our ancestral properties. Let her and my brother enjoy it. I don’t have a rupee from what I earned till date. I spent everything for her and my family without saving even a little for myself. I don’t want it back. I will live with whatever I earn in future and if required I am ready to send some part of my salary to her every month. I want peace of mind and the right to live my life independently. But she says if I leave her she will take legal action on me. I just want to know if I am liable to her. She says it is my duty to live with her and give her money for life time as she gave birth to me and made my life. Any advise on this will be of great help. How can I move out of her legally?