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Dilemma (None)     20 August 2009

Emotional Paradox - need serious help

I've been married for 1.5 years now. Ours was a love marriage but the period of love was not for long. I agree I should not have rushed into marriage, but there were marriage pressures from both sides. I moved city from Chandigarh to Bangalore and then my life took a twist. My so called in-laws who cajoled me in front of my parents now picked up on small & petty issues like what I wear, what I eat, how and when I eat, I was asked to read books in the native language rather than in Hindi which I was more comfortable on, preaching me all the time, obstucting any interaction with friends or neighbours. As those were the initial days, I kept patient praying for things to change. My husband never stood by my side and hence I had to defend for anything after that...

Very soon I was pregnant and things got even worse. Now the current situation is that I have a baby of 9 months and I'm not working. My relations with my in-laws are sour. Though they have now moved with their younger son, but my husband keeps visiting them every week and orders me to accompany him every week with the infant. He does not talk with my parents which I have accepted but I do not get equal thoughts. Any discussion about my problems end up in sour arguments as I'm never listened to and  hence I have to raise my voice to get the point across.

On one such night a fortnight before when I was been forced to join him, I put my foot down and came to my parents house, getting everything what was given by my parents. My husband visited with his folks 2 days later but the visit was more to talk about problems in me rather than the fact that they have been picking up on me and his cold shoulder. This hence ended in an argument and they left.

Today he's written an email which seems to be like begging me to come back, but only details about my visits to my parents place and the fact that I came with all my things and jewels. It also has details like dates and the sacrifices and efforts that they have done to get me back into the family,

I do not trust them now, no one in that house. I'm always cornored and I don't have any support. All they want is a slave who can slog, with no social life, no self respect or dignity.

I wish to write a response to the same but not sure if this will be taken against me in future? I also wish to file for a separation as my husband does not have any emotional attachment with either myself or my baby. 

Experts, as you have heard, solved so many cases, please pave me a path too. 


 8 Replies

Nishith P Thakkar (lawyer)     20 August 2009

 dear ,

you must know that  u , and u'r child are the child of god and god feel that u are prescious for god.

have u ever heard that difficulties makes the strong persons  strongest.

i let u know that u'r frustration makes u more frustrate ,if u not take this as a practicle issue of life. be slow to think the entire issue by heart ,u shold think throuh u'r mind rather then by heart.

now comming to the legal issue. if you think that the match is not working u can take divorce on the ground of cruelty., however as an experince person i say that some time u require more time courage and pace to understand the change of life and requirements of merriage.

u will be agree that the life before the marriage and after the marriage is diferent in many faciets, some male are not that much open to accept this change. it is common think of experiance that women are more active to accept the changeof life  then male, whereas some male only experience the same after persiveing the difficulties. the importance of  existance of others are equally important as of one's own. this perspect is not digestable to all. some takes more time to digest the same. some time ego between the spouse  creats hurdles to exchange better feelings.

some silence is more harmful then utterance of word.  u must have feel that?

if yes, u  wil also agree that first step of each journy is equally important as the final step. can you give fresh thought to give chance to this relationship and pave the first step of path.

i also request u to think that, the voice of equality in relationship and/or  marriage is not perfect and correct observation or creteria.

please consider that man and woman are not different personality they are the two side of coin but are joined  with each other.  you must have heard that  behind every successful man there is a woman. that say is sound enough to suggest  that man and woman are the one and the same personality after marriage they are not different. their success and failure are equal for each other. the one side of coin can not be seperated from other when it is tossed.

 u may connect some mediator or counseler dont shy to even connect doctor. i know manny IAS officer who are taking regular counselling from doctor for mental improvement.

regards , it will be ok soon. be hope ful.


1 Like

Raman ( )     20 August 2009

Dear one,

Have you ever asked yourself these questions before you seek any legal advice?

  1. Do you still love your husband?
  2. What stops you now visiting your In-Laws who don't stay with you anymore ?
  3. Fight or flight in such a short span? 
  4. The infant has to suffer in it's remaining life due to your mis-understandings? 

My brotherly advice:


With out having any fear or hatred go back to your husband before the sacred relation between you gets hurt more deeper! This is the crucial time where most of the couple need to have patience to protect their marriage-hood. 

If it doesn't still work for you then come back to us. We have here exceptional advocates who can help you out!


I cannot refrain from congratulating both the members from giving a great advise.

Kamal Grover (Advocate High Court Chandigarh M:09814110005     20 August 2009

Respected Dilemma,

First of all i want to tell you thier intention of mail. They are trying to secure themself for any case in future and mentioning the detail of ornaments etc. proves that you have taken all and near future you may not ask in the court or police about the same. This mail will help them in proving all these things, if you file a case of cruelty or DVA or any other case.

As you mention, it was a love marriage, therfore i will suggest you that there is lot of difference in love and marriage;

In love you ignore all his faults and go ahead after marriage, you have to ACCEPT all these.

Now try to understand thier views and make them understood your views. This all is possible if your husband understand you and handle this situation. Revert his email denying about the dowry articles and meniton all the cruelities done by your husband and his family memebers and request your husband to handle the situation and if he is agreed upon the same then ask him to come alongwith family and accomany you back with a promise to keep your respect and degnity and respect your culture also. You also promise him to adjust yourself in his family with respect.

Try to save your marrige life coz your is love marriage and you have choose the boy and none else. So it is your ressponsiblity to prove your choice right.

Good luck. you may contact me in my office at chandigarh at sector 11.

Your further clarification is welcome at;




With Regards

Dilemma (None)     20 August 2009

Thanks a lot for taking your time and advising.

It is quite difficult to pen down every issue, and not denying the fact that I've gone through and revisited the situations many times, balancing the pros and cons and given up enough of my self respect to get this relation working. It is now quite hard for me to continue further on this.

The email has been circulated in all my relatives, and by chance when one of our relatives (yes u see i used ours) called me this morning, I came to know that none of them know anything. Which has again set me thinking. Its not that I don't wish to see the positive side. But I've lost trust, trust that I'll be treated (just by him.. i don't care about other of his family) as a wife.

Thanks Kamal for clearing my seed of doubt. I did have a faint idea of the intentions to write such email, but your advice has confirmed it.

I wish to lead a peaceful life ahead but also do not want them blabbering to the world (in their own words) about myself.

What should be my steps now? Please advice. Do I need to take legal review for the reply to his mail too?

Rajan Salvi (Lawyer)     09 September 2009

Think of the child.

Kamal Grover (Advocate High Court Chandigarh M:09814110005     09 September 2009

First of all try to amicable settlement. Else i m in chandigarh,  you can discusess your matter in detail also.

Kothi no.199, Sector-11-A,



Kanaksinh P.Boda (Educationist/Lawyer)     20 November 2009

Kamalji's opinion is very precious.

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