It appears that your troubles are of your own making. You want to "go far away..." you want to be "alone..."
First, get rid of these ridiculous thoughts from your mind and learn to deal with issues head-on. Then, given that you can write reasonably well, you ought to read on the basics of law. Case disposed means just that... closed. You can appeal or live with the findings of that judgment for the rest of your life. As for maintenance, if it has been ordered, that issue is also closed. You can file an appeal to counter that. One time alimony or monthly maintenance is for your wife to decide... or for you to settle with her on that. Court cannot force that on your wife. In any event, your maintenance case is over. You can appeal it if you are not satisfied. Otherwise, you are stuck with that order, unless circumstances change for either of the two parties. You can go abroad any time unless there is an order to restrain you from doing so or if your passport was confiscated. That is not the case, so why worry at this time?
"I have no interest in life at all. She ruined everything." That kind of thinking is the cause of all your problems. A wife cannot ruin everything for a husband and almost to the same extent a husband cannot ruin everything for a modern wife. They can ruin a few aspect of each other's life but certainly not everything. There is a lot more to life than matrimonial relationship. So, stop crying, get strong and move on with life. And if you really have no interest in life, then take up some social work and help some needy students, people, animals, whatever... Be useful to someone or even something... and you will find life interesting enough...
