Nakshtra IN (Engineer) 02 December 2012

My mil harasses me and blackmails to commit suicide

Hi,

I am happily married for 3.5+ years.My married life is going good.The issue is with my in laws,I got married in April 2009.My in-law's financial condition is not

good,but I knew this before my love marriage.But my parents have already told to my husband that they will not give dowry to them as its love marriage and I am equally

qualified as my husband and I am working.

Me and my husband loves each other.But my husband is only son of my in laws,so he is quite attched with his mother.My initial marriage days in rented in-law's house

were good.One day I felt that my father in law is having bad eye on me, he was a failure person in his life and had quit his job since long time and was staying at home

only.And similarily on other hand my mother in laws kept gas cylinder open multiple times without any flame,I came to know about this when I smelled the leaking gas

LPG.Similarily with such incidents she tried to harrass me by saying at dinner table once that -"Jis ladki ke maa baap dahej nahi dete wo narak me jaate hai".I use to

tell everything to my husband but he never says a word to his parents,so when I saw the things are not getting sort out I moved out of my in-laws house in 2009.Then my

husband decided to stay 1 night at my in laws rented house and next night at my rented house,this happened for almost 2.5 years.But this routine/decision of my husband

didn't bring any kind of bitter feelings in me for my husband as I thought that he is the only son,so let him fulfil his resposibilities, for his parents .

But recently in year 2012 January my mother in law fallen very ill, she was detected to have chronic kidney disease,already she was having diabetes,heart problems

etc.My husband took me along with him to get her admitted in an expensive hospital as her family doctor had asked her to refer to a big hospital as she was critical.

I was there with my husband and cooperated him in every ways to get my Mother in law treated and took leaves from my office.The after 10 days she become stable and

doctor asked to take her home back and prescribed her diet plan, medicines(which are around costing 6k) every month.Me and my husband thought that I should shift back

to my-in-laws house as my MIL is unwell,I also thought to get back to the house as I thought she might have got changed after such a big problem with her health.

Then after 3-4 months,me and my husband decided to buy a flat somewhere as its not always preferable to saty in a rented house.So my husband asked for some monetary

help from my Father-in-law if he can contribute for the downpayment for the flat as I was also having some saving with me.Then my FIL gave some money around 2.5lacs to

my husband for the flat dwonpayment,this money was the one which he got after selling his parental house in his hometown.

Few months back we had to do some formalities for the purchased flat(another city),but as I came to house from office (my husband was not at home then) to have my

lunch, before boarding the bus for overnight journey,That afternoon again my MIL asked me to go to kitchen so that I can eat my lunch after warming it,but the gas was

leaking out already.I didn't said a word that day to my MIL as we were going for a good purpose of buying flat.But on the way to I told this thing to my husband. My

husband said -if this happens again let him know so that he can ask his mother,why she is doing this.

We have kept a cook/maid for the family dinner/lunch as I am working ao I can't give that much of time to my in laws and who will prepare their lunch as my MIL was not

able to do the household chores but she was able to walk,eat,sit,watch TV,speak etc.One day she said that she don't want this cook to continue as she has heard from

neighbours that she is not a good worker and she think herself the Maharani of the coloney etc etc and she didn't follow what she instruct her she do what she likes,

but me and my husband were not that much unhappy with the food she prepares, its like a help for us as we both are working,so because of the cook I was able to

concentrate on my office.

After 9 months of my MIL recovery,I had some argument with my MIL over something then my MIL said that I was responsible for her illness and I have blocked her money

(which my husband asked from my FIL for buying the flat) this thing disturb me again then I said that I will again live separate I can't live in such an atmosphere.The

my MIL started crying and started shouting that she will commit suicide if I leave. Then my FIL said that don't go as they are dependant on us.

Then my husband asked me to have some mutual discussion with in laws and start live happily there with in laws itself,that time I agreed staying again with them, but as

time passed by my MIL every now and then compalins about the cook and said that -"arre uss mein bahot taakat hai wo cook mujhe laga dabakar maar degi" and asked us to

dismiss her.But we didn't as she was not of that kind,then 1 day that cook called my husband and said that you mother her scolded her a lot for coming 15-20 mins late

so she is leaving the job.

This thing then again caused a burden on me to get sometime out of my busy office schedule and prepare dinner for all of us, but as I came early that day then my MIL

beforehand prepares her and her husband's dinner and asked me to prepare for my husband and me.She did this more 2-3 weeks.Then 1 day she called my husband that she is

having pain in hand and when I will be back home i will prepare the food for them and it was a short notice so I was not in a position to complete my office work early

and come home and prepare dinner for them, but this thing was not fair to me as when I come early she beforehand get her and her husband dinner ready but when I already

told her that I cannot make to come home early as I have to attend many calls at international timings inspite of that,that day she asked my husband that they will have

dinner when i prepare it.It caused a frustrating situation for me as she many times look at me with suspicion that I am putting something wrong in the food so she never

trust me or any other maid who usually cooks the food ,so she always prepares her food separate.This thing was a kind of harrassment for me.The I compalined her about

this that why can't she tell me beforehand if she wants me to prepare the food eventhough I have already asked her in the same day morning that if she want me to come

home early for preparing the dinner,she said -"Hum late bhi khayenge to bhi chalega" but she didn't say that I have to come early or not.

Afetr 1 month of this incident for some or the other events again some argument happened between me and my MIL then I asked if she has some problem with me then tell me

beforehand so that I will take a house on rent nearby then she shouted at me pointing to the door that -"Mere ghar se nikal jao".After listening this my husband and me

was too much hurt,no one, not my FIL and MIL asked us to stay back and said to my husband that -"Ye ladki to cheap family se aayi hai,cheap ladki hai ,chi chi chi ,tum

log alag he raho".After listening this I started crying and my husband said that lets take some other flat on rent nearby, he will bring the medicine,monthly medical

reports of my MIL and will bring monthly ration for them.He told my FIL that we will live nearby and if required at anytime call him as his mother has not recovered

fully.

On this diwali we went to greet her diwali by touching my in laws feets then she said -"Nahi nahi inn sab cheezo ki koi jarurat nahi hai" and went to a separate room

and didn't talk to me nor my husband,but FIL was bit happy that we come and offered us the sweets.

As its already 1 month since then we are living separate from my in-laws.I sometimes get worried about my MIL thinking what if she commits suicide because of her ill health depression and write a suicide note that she is taking such an action because of me.

Please suggest what should I do in this case?

Reply Follow

11 Replies

Sudhir Kumar, Advocate (Advocate) 02 December 2012

be brief

rajesh (asdadad) 02 December 2012

u r just a highly career oriented cry baby who has forced her husband , only son of ailing parents to separate . Hw come u dnt hv a kid yet? I m very sorry to say but seriously u need think frm ur husband's and ur in-laws perspective . . Wat wud hv ur reaction if same thing had happened wid ur brother. . Just imagine and ponder . . Then i m sure tht u were d 1st 1 who had been cussing ur SIL in d worst language possible . . . Regarding ur MIL's behaviur , u need to understand d basic generation gap . U shud hv married a rich person and sum1 poorer than u . . U r trusting ur maid more than ur MIL . . U cn hire 1000s of maids but cn ur husband hv 1000s of mothers ? Somebody rightly said tht a woman is the best enemy of another woman . . :). . Due to old age , she may b forgetting to switch off gas . . And dnt 4get that its nt only u but whole family including ur MIL's Son , ur husband and her husband may get burned if sumthin happens . . I dnt think that ur MIL is tht much stupid to burn alive her Son , hubby ,herself including d house just to burn u alive . . How cn u b so insane to think like tht . . U r well educated workin girl . Such kinda stupidity is nt expected frm u . . Get the word out of ur MIL's nonsense actions my frnd. . She wants a child only and i dnt think that she shudnt as a lot of has passed for ur marriage . . . If u want to hv a happy life and relationship wid ur in-laws thn u need to take out 1 yr frm ur career . . Hv a baby and thn c d fun . . Ur in-laws wud start luvin u more like thr own daughter . . . .money is nt only sole thing my frnd . . U need to give equal importance to human relationships . . Ur in-laws aggreed for a marriage wid u widout any hesitation and u shud b gr8ful to them for tht . . . U said tht she has so many health issues . . I fail to understand ur logic level . . If she is already in so much pain thn y wud she commit sucide . . Just to harass u ? Do u knw wat kinda guts does 1 need to hv to take such extreme step ? Ask me as i tried once and i wil neva 4get d pains . . . Think logically my frnd . . And plz draw a line in betn ur ofc n ur house . . And try to respect others as it is a mutual level busines. . .sorry 4 my harsh words . . Peace . . :)

rajesh (asdadad) 03 December 2012

and plz for God's sake stay away frm lawyers . . I m nt a lawyer and neither I hate them . I hv high respect to tht profession . . Bt my concern is wat if u got in contact wid a money minded lawyer . . U wud ruin urs , husbands and whole family's life in court battles . . Hw cn u b so stupid Yar . . If ur MIL says something abt dowry ( tht too after 4 yrs of wedding ?? ? ). . Thn politely and wid a smile on face , tell her that my monthly salary is an installment of life-time dowry to our family ' sasu-ma '. . I m sure tht she wont repeat her words again . .in 1st para u said tht ur FIL is a failure who had a bad eye on u :-o ( oh ya frm my point of view becoz he aggreed for his son's weddin wid u ). .and in d next para u say tht he was very happy to welcome u bk . . .. . Yar just imagine hw much critical condition of ur husband . . Neither he cn leave his parents nor u . . Wat wud u hv done if same thing happened wid ur Brother . . .b +ve , yar . . And b so dominating kinda person . . 1 day u r also b old . . Go for some mediation and heal urself . . Dnt b so selfish . . Ur in-laws are nt going to leave 200 yrs . . Bt wateva time they hv left on this earth let them b happy . . . I m nt expectin u 2 b an ancient Bahu . . Bt try atleast a midway . . I m nt askin u to lose ur self-esteem bt i suggest u to spend quality time wid her nt wid ur hubby for few weeks . . Talk to her abt her initial struggle of life , her relationship wid her MIL ( dnt talk abt comparisons neither dnt give her a chance ) talk abt ur husband's childhood , his upbringing . . Etc etc . . And plz ignore black shades in every person . . U r nt a perfect person and neither d next persn also . . U r just a victim of doubts . .. Grow up Yar . . Dnt b a kid . .

Tajobsindia (Senior Partner ) 03 December 2012

It would have been better if this post was posted in Agony Aunt column.

Be it as it may be so the only para I am replying to is on suicide note vis-à-vis “you”.

1. It is said about our oldies that they live 7 generations in a lifetime. After so much critical analysis and casting aspirations on a MIL if she has not hung herself from a ceiling fan by now then while you two are re-starting your life away from ears and eyes of your In-Laws donot fear even if she does so “circumstances read with your location” as traced from cellphones will keep “you” out of danger of abetment or direct reason for her suicide.

Since you two are now living away for good better concentrate re-strating what was lost in critical MIL vis-à-vis DIL customary agonies from yore with your husband in this new house.
Reasoning:
Women and Child Development Ministry in a recent RTI Application reply has on record said “This Ministry only caters to interests of DIL’s and not MIL’s” so even if your MIL commits suicide it will go down as Government statistics and nothing else will ever happen atleast from STATE side no matter how much unfortunately then a widow FIL cries for justice before Police and before Ministry.
[Hope reasoning helps to now atleast ONE DIL to live in peace!]

Nakshtra IN (Engineer) 03 December 2012

HI Rajesh,

I understand what you are saying, thats why I went to take care of her when she was critical. I did all what a good bahu could do but if i say her "Basic" nature is complaining then i would not be wrong. Whatever good I do for her, she always blames me for her condition, but she is having poor health much before our marriage.If I prepare her the food, she will look with suspision & avoids eating it, If I don't then she says I dont take care of her.

Regarding your point for her desire of having a grandchild, she NEVER EVER mentioned me to have one. Also when neighbours asks me to have a child before my MIL, she always says-"Ye toh abhi chhoti h".(I am 28)

Also it is our mutual decision(me & my husband) to not have a child this year, but we are planning to have it in early next year. Its not like that I am way too carrer oriented but since we have to move to our flat in another city & take tranfers from company plus a huge loan burden on our head, we have postponed our baby.

Regarding my "In-laws", I want to mention some points here,

1) My MIL always utter bad words for my FIL. even before & after our marriage, she complains of not looking her & not admiring her as a wife.

2) He always used to stare me & touched me everytime he got the chance.This happened immediately after my marriage. when I told my MIL about this, she dint believe me & she took side of her husband.

3) He never used to knock the door & come straightaway in our bedroom even if he wants to talk to his son.

4) My MIL said once me "bahuo ko darra k rakhna chahiye".

5) The day when I was leaivng the other city for our flat booking, she left the LPG knob open But I dint want to spoil my day I dint say anything to her but mentioned this to my husband.then after 10-15 days in an argument I mentioned about leaving the gas knob open, then she said."Woh toh mein bhool gyi thi". If she hadnt done that intentionally then how could she remember it afrer 10-15 days.

6) She planned to leave the knob open & send me to the Kitchen first. Why this thing doent happens to my FIL or my husband.& this happened to me 3-4 times while my stay in in-laws house.

If I had been such career crying baby, I definitely would have married a rich & well settled guy when I used to get marriage proposals from abroad settled grooms , but i loved him so I married him & I thought when we both are working we can earn every necessary thing for our life.

Thanks

Nakshtra IN (Engineer) 03 December 2012

Thanks Tajobsindia.

Msk-need -nuetral- laws (self) 03 December 2012

Hi Naksthra,

What you face today is typical case of many women in India. You need to understand physcology of women better here to counter the situation. A failed woman in her life( I take your mentioning as true) will not tolerate subconsiously another woman success in her close realtive life ( in your case hsi son). She might be good person but soemtimes complex human nature ,even without she realising this fact, may be doing out of her deep driven dissatisfied life. Ask your husband to take her to a pyschologist and see a changed behaviour. Also your MIL has no outlet in the form of other social means which only deepens the problem coupled with her persisting prolonged ailments.

Regrads

Mani

rajesh (asdadad) 03 December 2012

5) The day when I was leaivng the other city for our flat booking, she left the LPG knob open my point:-I dnt think that ur MIL is tht much stupid to burn alive her Son , hubby ,herself including d house just to burn u alive . . 6) i loved him so I married him. My point :-Ur in- laws aggreed for a marriage wid u widout any hesitation and u shud b gr8ful to them for tht . . . 1) My MIL always utter bad words for my FIL. even before & after our marriage, she complains of not looking her & not admiring her as a wife. My point :-old age . . Besides tht no wife ever talks gud abt her hubby , in-laws while talking to other married woman even if she is her DIL . . Besides tht wat abt ur point number 2) . . When u complained to her abt ur FIL , She took side of her hubby . . If she wasnt loving her hubby and if her wasnt a good guy , she wudnt hv taken side of him . . Ur FIL gave 2.5 lakh to buy a flat eventho he had to sell his ancestrol home ( only home he had left , still knowing tht his wife is in extremely poor condition and he may need to sell tht house in future for her urgent medical treatment ). . Wat if he had refused at tht time ? But as he wanted a stable n happy married life for his son ,he decided to live separately in a rented flat knowing tht his only DIL dnt want to take care of any1 of her in-laws but rather wants to concentrate on her career . . I understand tht frm practical point of view , wife has to earn . . . But yar . . I hv already told u tht u need to balance ur ofc n ur home . . U dnt hv a kid at d moment and still u r facin so many problems ,wat wud u do in future when u hv a kid and if by chance ur FIL also starts facing medical problems . . Will u ask a lawyer solution if ur kid doesnt allow u to sleep in d night n u miss ur ofc on nxt day . . . . . I hv already asked u to ponder everything and dnt b so selfish yar . . . Treat ur in-laws like ur parents . . U r a married woman tht doesnt mean u shudnt take care of ur in-laws bt only ur hubby . . . Once a girl gets married then she shud b enuff matured to take care of her hubby , her in-laws , her house. . . U r nw an un-separable part of whole family . . And being a lady in tht house , u simply cn nt turn a blind to ur responsibilities by livin separate. . . I m nt being critical of u and neither i m takin side of ur in-laws . . Ur MIL isnt an immortal person. . .i understand tht bein a workin woman u hv tension of ur ofc also which ur MIL WUD neva understand and she wud never. . . Thts y i asked u to b calm n go 4 mediation . . Visit trans4mind.com ,this site wud help u rather thn searchin solns everywhere. . Solns lies widin u my frnd

rajesh (asdadad) 03 December 2012

mani . . Wat cn a psycologist do in this case ? . . Her MIL is already very very old and she is dying . . She is asking simple questions and expects simple answers . . If nakshtra wasnt a gud person thn she wud hv involved her police , her parents , and many other nonsense 3rd persons . . Bt as she wants to find a simple soltns , she is trying to find them on her own . . . Wat she needs is self-discovery and i guess she is enuff matured after i read her reply to me . . Problem wid mine n nakshtra's generation is , lack of patience and quick answers for critical problems widin short time . . . . Life is nt a game of playing cards my frnd . . I m nt ignorin her worries rather i respect her for trying to find answers instead of lettin everythin go . . . And i dnt claim to b an Oracle . . I cn b wrong too as i dnt knw the side of her MIL , HUBBY , FIL . . I m givin suggestions based on her posts

Msk-need -nuetral- laws (self) 03 December 2012

Hi Rajesh,

Her problem is not simple one and cant be given with simple answer. Why I said, i had seen few of my friends life struggled because their mother has similar failed life and interfered with their son married lfe. In such cases mother tend to be more dependent on sons and depressed for even small petty issues. Ok What if she commits sucide as Naksathra said leaving a note or something?

Do you think winning such cases are cake -walks by just staying away from her. Boss still you need to run to police stations and face relative, society etc, This is where many of us do mistakes, even if she is old, taking her to a phycologist will help. what wrong giving a try? I knew in few cases phycologist did wonderful job, especially i read the columns of Dr. Vijayalakshmi in Tamil magazine. It is reported with simple two counselling such problems are reduced. It is my opinion take or leave it, upto you. legal opinions come once such incidents have happened, what i say is one of a thoughtful precaution.

Mani

rajesh (asdadad) 03 December 2012

FYI , nt only her but her in-laws cn seek legal help as thr r legal laws for claiming maintaince in case thr kids neglects them . . In tht case , nt only nakshtra has to return 2.5 lakhs to her FIL bt also pay mnthly maintaince for the rest of in-laws life . Failing to do such , both nakshtra and her hubby cn b jailed . . . My frnd , law is equal for every1. . If Her MIL was interferrin in her only son's life , thn she wudnt hv agreed wid his sn's decision to separate multiple times and one time, just after few months of his marriage. . it is only nakshtra's doubt tht her MIL commit sucide and fabricate her tht also once her MIL said in anger . . ( nakshtra is the love of her only belovd son , its nt only nakshtra bt her Son wud face problems after her sucide ) . . My frnd, it needs extreme torture n guts to end self life . . .nakshtra isnt a bad woman neither her MIL . . Thr r only ego clashes . . Both needs to adjust wid each other 4 d sake of thr husbands . . It need multiple open discussions widout any blame-games , readyness to accept mistakes and suggestions for d future INVOLVING all family members . . . I understand tht her MIL IS ALSO AN EGOISTIC and she dnt care much while speakin harsh words . . Wat i m suggesting to Nakshtra is ' u cn cntrl ur actions bt u cnt cntrl other person's action neither u cnt hv cntrl ova ur life nor others '. . Wat wud happen if both son n father decide to leave both ladies n live separate. . . We didnt hv such problems in families havin 50, 60 members in d past bt y do we face such prblms today when thr r only 4 ppl in a family . . Just think ova it my frnd . .fYI i m nt a traditional guy , bt i am an IT ENGR workin 4 americans . . . I m just tryin 2 save an indian family . . I m still askin her to b optimistic . . Dnt think too much over ur MIL's blabberin . . Take her nonsense litely as old age is same as tht of childhood. . . :)