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Vikas Murthy (Sr. Engineer)     22 November 2009

Troubled Husband, Troubled to-be-father; Divorce/Sepeartion

Hi,

I am a troubled husband, my parents don't stay with me, we have had a hindu marriage, she is a tamilian and I am a Kannadiga both brahmins.  However we have had conflict of understanding since our marriage (3 years old). She regularly abuses my parents behind their back which I detest. I have tried talking to her, reasoning with her, explaining tolerance and compatibility.  She cites that she is compromising.  This word is being misused, She moved to her parents house since the day she found out she is pregnant, she won't visit me and forces me to live a life away from any of my family.  My parents are not for living with us together, they live in a different state and visit once a year for 3 weeks at the most. There is a fight in 3 weeks and it creates hell.  My parents don't want such negativity hence they have now a smiling face and walk out of confrontations, they do not get involved for anything and have never stayed with us.  They have a house in Gujarat and stay there.  The abusing continues for years together. I have a child which is due in May , I hate to put it through this madness.  I expect that it grows into a loving child loving both families equally, she abusive and on occassion when angry hit and scratch me till I bled. My patience has worn out and the stress is causing me immense pain to me.  I cannot confide in my parents who think we are ok.  I cannot confide in friends who think we are happy.  But in a 24 hour span we fight for 23 hours.  This is not healthy at all. I tried understanding what bothers her tried reasoning tried everything possible to calm her but she has this grudge embedded for whatever reason. Talks about changing the name, using her name for child and the talk is always a progressive degradation.  I am tired and want out.  I want calm, peace and concentrate on my work.  I want my child to be happy.  Please advise. Troubled to-be-father , Troubled husband. I want a seperation but I hate to convey this to her in her pregnant condition.  The truth is I don't like her one bit and cannot stay with her. Ever.



Learning

 8 Replies

Prakash Yedhula (Lawyer)     22 November 2009

It is better you both consult a marriage councellor, before taking any decision. Probably she might have her own side of a story too and try to address that. When you are living separately, the friction should be surely b'coz of some issues between you both and once that is sorted out, I feel things would become normal. 

 

Vikas Murthy (Sr. Engineer)     22 November 2009

Sir, I understand that she has issues. She will not attend a counseller.  Her reason is that she was forced to do things that she did not like to do.  When she married and came in, my mother wanted to show around a few rituals that she does, This was not a force but a general thing that every indian family does when a new bride comes in.  She was told to do certain religious rituals which she backed out off.  We are not different when relegion is concerned, we are  a modern family who only do this a family thing.  She called it "Nonsense" and backed out on the first day.  My family was hurt and what resulted was an argument.  My family went back  to Gujarat and said, let her do what she wants and kept out of her way ever since. But her part never ended there and she kept on abusing whenever an argument occured. She insists that I should move to the USA where her cousins are and give her a "good life" I earn good, I have a house, I am well settled here and don't want to move.  She calls this "ruining life".  An argument never ends.  I am alienated from my family and hate it.  My parents built a house for us, we stay seperately, She is a Diploma holder, Changed 3 jobs in 3 years, not working anymore.  I pay her loans and bear brunt of her abuses just because a Man is the weaker sect when an argument with wife is concerned.  I do not want to become a scape goat.  I cannot resort to violence.  I am with good terms with her parents. They treat me well. She is treated well at my place but she holds this defenitive grudge against everyone in my family.  I hate when arguments start with "Don't act like your stupid parents" I feel angry and abused. Please suggest a good counseller in Bangalore.

Raj Kumar Makkad (Adv P & H High Court Chandigarh)     22 November 2009

I think  in the given cirumstances, it is better to seek adecree of divorce. If she is agree then on mutual consent otherwise file your petition under section 13 (i) (ia) of HMA.


(Guest)

She mentally developed enimity on your parents. Always she wants to win her word only. It is better to take advice from psychiatrist.

Kamal Grover (Advocate High Court Chandigarh M:09814110005 email:adv.kamal.grover@gmail.com)     22 November 2009

 

 

As per my view she is alergactic from ur parents and no counceling can fill this gap except time. but u can try one thing that talk to her mother or parents seprately and told her mother/parents about the problem and irretating behaviour with ur family members of ur wife and also request her to made ur wife understood seprately not in front of u. Also tell ur inlaws that if they will not work out this situation then it will stain and break up the relations. I m sure her mother/parents will solve this problem.

Good luck.

Hardik Mehta (Family Counsellor)     24 November 2009

Vikas,

Apply for the divorce u/s 13 of HMA with the reasons of cruelty. You should not stay in this type of abusive relationship. She is the case of BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder who does not have their own brains to think what is right or wrong. The fights is been governed by the external factors, mostly they are her family. Otherwise there is no such reason I can see for the fights. If one tries to streach too hard, the string breaks. This is exactly going to happen in your case. If you stay with her, then you will loose your sanity.  These types of the girls are family destroyers and have no family values. They will not be the good mothers.

 

Vikas Murthy (Sr. Engineer)     24 November 2009

Is there any type of counselling I can take her too? I want to see if it works out an unborn child is involved.  She refuses counselling.

 

 

Hardik Mehta (Family Counsellor)     24 November 2009

I think, instead of her counselling, the counselling of her mother needs to be done. This will then create the ripple effect to her and she may change.

 


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