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Sankar Kalyan (None)     24 December 2011

Advice on divorce

Dear All,

                   I got married in the year 2008. My wife was working in abroad before we got married. She took a 2 year break from her job. 

A bit of history before the current status.

My wife and I had decided that I would try to join her abroad on the condition that I get a good enough job there which would be equal to the kind I do here in terms of function and remuneration.

After marriage, my wife who was born and brought up in India and had been working abroad for 4 years found the going tough in my house in an A class metro. She found fault with a lot of stuff and we ended up arguing for everything.

I bought a house after we got married which involved me going for a loan. ofcourse this mean that we could not move into the new house rightaway since the house had to be done up in terms of Painting, furnishing, electrical work etc, but I was saving up for this every month, and I could not move to another place in the same city on rent since it would entail me to pay rent and moving into my new house will have to be put off till much later. So I asked her to have patience. This led to a lot of fights and name calling, her talking to people among her family and friends. I could not get a job which would let me move abroad to her working country with confidence, finaly 2 years later she moved back to her old job, much against my wishes, since I was trying for a job in different city. In the mean time I found a new job in a different city (A class Metro). We have not been in touch apart from the occassional ISD phone call. Now she is back to India and living in her mothers house. We have not yet met but have spoken a couple of times on the phone in an attempt to reconcile, but all efforts seem to be going nowhere. I have many times broached the subject of ending the marriage but it seems to have any effect on her.

I am my wifes second husband, she was married once before. Ours was an arranged marriage, I knew she was divorced however I thought that it was something that could go wrong with anyone, so it is not that I was tricked. My family was pretty broadminded to happily agree to a girl who was divorced and whose mother was divorced too, we thought that both the women did not find the right man.

Now she insists on not ending this marriage and shows no inclination to continuing together, everytime we talk, we keep going round in circles, she creates the impression that it is I who wants this marriage to end and she is trying everything in her power to keep this going, but everytime she says that this marriage will work only if her needs are met, which I am skeptical about since I know what her demands are, and she has little or no patience to wait for things to be done. 

Now, unknown to me she has joined a masters course in her workplace abroad where she will be returning in about a months time. 

Considering that we have been away for more than a year now and will be away for another year in the future and that it is close to three years since we are married of which I have spent 1 year separated from her, since he moved out (She gives various reasons)

BTW, No dowry or anything was taken during the marriage. I have been insisting that she collect all her jewellery from my house as it becomes risky as I have to take of her belongings which is an additional responsibility.

Anyway, at the end of all this, could you please advise me if it will be possible for me to get a divorce citing that she has ben away for 1 year now. She has a well paying job abroad which she has been doing before she was married. Do I have to pay her alimony?


Can you please advise on the possibility of this and the steps to be taken and the process involved.





 10 Replies

Sankar Kalyan (None)     24 December 2011

PS - I shall be glad to provide details if need be, in case it would help the team to better understand and thereby make a more informed advice.



N Vanaraj (advocate)     25 December 2011

Dear Sir,

it appears that both of you have not been together after marriage long enough to understand each other. further your wife's upbringing by a divorced mother has made a negative impact in her subconcious about family life. If you want to save your marriage do not try to reason out for each and everything with your wife. try to swim along with her in the short term, go for marriage counselling in the mean time with a qulified experienced marriage counsellor. it takes time for the marriage to work so have patience and work on saving the marriage.

As far as your question that " if it will be possible for you to get a divorce citing that she has ben away for 1 year " is not a reason on which you can obtain divorce.

Sankar Kalyan (None)     25 December 2011

Dear Sir, We have been together for 2 years rather unsuccesfully. It did not work, which was her own words. Thanks for your advice. I suppose it will be the way it is. Rgds

Nadeem Qureshi (Advocate/     25 December 2011

Dear Sankar

read expert reply on your query

feel free to call

Alok Tholiya (self employed)     25 December 2011

  1. My reply is based on premise that u r telling the truth.
  2. If u do not want to save ur marriage then I hv nothinh to say but if u want to improve then...
  3. Marriage is a life time event and law is for those who really need it. Since there is a law u should not make use of it unless u find no hope / grater risk in not using the law. 
  4. Be away for topic of ur wife for a month. Then analyse is she really bad. Is there no hope?
  5. If after a month u feel u want to continue then : 
  6. Take help of a good marriage counselor with a request to help save ur marrieg.Pl. note two erring parteners can only further spoil things by arguments. In such a situation never attempt urself or thru some unskilled person and specially biased person. Reconcilliation is possible only / blessings). when proffessional person with holyistic heart works on it . ( Let me know if u need such aperson). ( It is imp to tell here that I do not charge / take cut for my all these work and just need dua 
  7. Do not aggravate situation from ur side. 
  8. Be nice and courteous to all specially in laws. 
  9. Do not paint bad picture of ur spouse so ohers put fuel to fire and further spoil the already damaged relations.
  10. Do not object to her studies. Pl. note for some it is a passion which is more imp. then anything else in life but that will be over in time to come.
  11. Keep communication open.
  12. If god will's then in a yr or two she will change. And there after she too will value relationship and institution of marriage. 

If not then same forum and same options r open.

Sankar Kalyan (None)     25 December 2011

Dear Mr.Alok,

                            I very much value your well meaning advice, like all other well wishers, like my family friends and I believe my inlaws you are extremely well meaning in your sage advise, and I am really touched, not exaggerating.

However, you would note that I have waited for more than 3 years (We got married in 2008 October) for this marriage to go somewhere safe, which I have not been able to find happening.

I have tried all avenues of reconciliation within my means and in my own way. I firmly believe that I have slay my own demons. I can perhaps have a talk with you over phone if possible, if it is not against your professional code of ethics, since you have advised me what my close family and friends have advised.

I am telling the truth, but i can be more detailed if needed, however this is not the forum as I do not want to sound like a saint who has been wronged as people will see the grievances of only one party.

However I can say with a great deal of confidence that any attempts at reconciliation will beonly temporary, given our personalities, and this will become a problem again sooner or later, which can become a bigger problem, given that she will relocate to India and I then might have to pay alimony for the rest of my life which I can ill afford now or later.


Once again, thanks for your well meaning words.




Lifeisgreat (None)     25 December 2011

@ Sankar

For me, almost same story and I tried for 15 years, fianlly had to file divorce to save my own self - and then slapped with  DV, 498A and other civil suits.


If marriage can be saved its a good option but amount of time to be given to give marriage a try is always matter of debate.


Most people advising are out of good faith that HUMAN CAN BE MADE AWARE TO CHANGE FOR GOOD. But in some cases nothing works.

Alok Tholiya (self employed)     25 December 2011

I feel sorry for u dear KSHAH, 

for some it is sheer badluck and u never know why god is punishing u. I can only prey for u and on ur own join some good spiritual org like Oshao, Art of living, Viappasana etc which will give u strength to bear all this and things will change when effects of bad karma reduce. 

Sankar Kalyan (None)     25 December 2011

Alright gentlemen, I got here with a specific purpose, and that was not to form a support group. We all have our tolerance limits and coping mechanisms, I have reached mine in my marriage, please do not tell me how I can save it, I shall be the judge of what I want to do with what is in my control. While I appreciate comments that a marriage should be saved, I will reserve the decision on what I want to do with mine. Thanks K

dipender kumar (advocate)     25 December 2011

Originally posted by :Sankar Kalyan
BTW, No dowry or anything was taken during the marriage. I have been insisting that she collect all her jewellery from my house as it becomes risky as I have to take of her belongings which is an additional responsibility.

Anyway, at the end of all this, could you please advise me if it will be possible for me to get a divorce citing that she has ben away for 1 year now. She has a well paying job abroad which she has been doing before she was married. Do I have to pay her alimony?



 I confine myself to legal advice.

You write a letter asking her to take away all her jewellery, expressing your inability to keep them with you.  In this letter, it is important to mention the list of jewellery and their detail. Send this letter by regd. post and Keep a copy of this letter with you intact, which will be helpful to you in future.  But in this letter do not show any annoyance or any indication about the rifts between both of you and your intention of going for divorce.

Next, if you intend to take divorce, divorce notice has to be sent to her.  One year separation is not a ground for divorce, but two years separation is.   After two years also,  you have to prove that she deserted you not only physically but mentally also (intention to desertion) without having sufficient cause and has no intention of resuming the cohabitation.

But you can seek divorce on the ground of cruelty, if you can cite cruel acts specifically with bare details.  She can contest this case and the verdict depends upon the merits of the case.

In the divorce case, she may file maintenance application.  But if she is earning handsomely,courts may not grant maintenance to her.  It is not the stage to think about "permanent alimony", which will be granted only after divorce decree is passed.

dipender, advocate, 

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