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Sugam Dayal (Business)     14 May 2014

Making divorce an adventurous and tedious mind game

why can't we take divorce as war game, with opponent having big guns, sophisticated offence system and enormous emotional  and mental prowess. They invest time in raiding new regions and showing their prominence and ability to hurt and destroy who does not bent according to their wish.

One can be those good invaders,whom if we join, we prosper. though they are intimidating from the first look, they bring prosperity and happiness in future. But these kind of invaders would allow you to put across your point and will try to use more amicable and diplomatic solution.

the rest are types and likes of brutal invaders who does not care and want people to bend.

We as the other side party, are quite unaware initially about opponent's intentions and then their powers and skills. we do have tools mostly for defence which also breaks down at times.

what should be our strategy to bring down a big opponent with whom we can do head-on?

please mark this as invalid question if forum visiting people think so.


I am also facing a marital deadlock in my life start from the day-1 of being married together. i have lot to loose if i do not play it safe. Money i may loose, but i will also loose for wife whom i married, i will also loose my parents who are are old and cannot take this tension, and mostly i will loose the family which i tried to build. I had a full grown family before i was married, which was taking care of ...my mom dad...sis and bro where emotionally and financially dependent on me as a gaurdian.
 
So I see I will loose all if I do not play safe. If I play safe, probably, i may or maybe not loose my married life as well, but for that i need to fix it by intimidating it the way it intimidates me.




Learning

 7 Replies

Gautam Kapoor (IT professional Studying Law)     14 May 2014

in my opinion I think  you are primariy loosing sleep thinking of unnecessary things.

Sugam Dayal (Business)     15 May 2014

Thats right Gautam...even i thought how childish way to post this thing and try to turn my struggle into some optimistic game

Sugam Dayal (Business)     15 May 2014

Frankly Speaking, i not posting the topic right for this forum. any expert will read and simply say that no legal questions asked, just wasting time here...

but i do not have any other forum to discuss...my friends are their...

My wife is having BPD...i have understood it by talking to psychiatrist..but not able to convince her to go to doctor. 

Bring his family will cause more more trouble because already they are just listening to her daughter's cry and not trying to understand that she is very impaitent, not able to cope up with difference in opinion.

If i go to them, they will for sure start making allegations that since she is yelling at me and my family( through me only ...no direct confrontation with my family more than once)...i am making her insane.

I want to divorce her...marriage is just half a year old or so...this is what i have decided...after 2 months of enough thinking...

She loves me but she hates me as well ...because i support my family...maybe i am wrong that i should not have supported them 100% and some other members should have taken responsibility..though they are quite early in their career ( my young bro)...she knew that i am the sole bread winner....now she just cannot handle anything...she is just fuming everyday...even if i say things will go fine in a year or two...she do not have paitence to listen...she stops for a day and then starts again...

Showing assertive communication makes her land in her guilt water and she comes back saying i am making her feeling guilty and the she picks up something and starts

Showing passive communication makes her behave like a sleeping volcano

Showing aggressive communication worsens the thing...she goes to her parents and say my in-laws behaviour is aggressive on me...

i am really not able to understand how to handle this situation...

she herself is getting ill because these behaviour of her's and she is not able to admit that there is anything wrong.

The above discussion i thought to start so that if i am not able to find my way throw reasons and logics...can I find any pseudo means and reasons ... 

what to do??? my parents are old...and they do not understand her behaviour as well...sometimes they are angry on her and sometimes they are confused and most of times they are crying...

......hhhhuuuhhhhh

Gautam Kapoor (IT professional Studying Law)     15 May 2014

to answer you first para - yes it is indeed a wargame but with a surprising difference,the weaker nation has all the ammunition to have free go at tbe percieved stronger nation and to strike with utter disdain as and when they want/need and still have the legal impunity .The percieved weaker nation has all the WMD in its arsenal to wreck havoc on a percieved stronger nation and still have the legal recourse to claim war damages.The laws of war tribunal are such so as to always favour the percieved rougue weaker nation.

Then you have the war arbitration party coming trying to cash in on this wargame.

Now coming back.Your story is not unique,many have the same situation where the wife cannot bear her husband looking/caring for his parents, brothers and family.Had you deserted your old parents and given a cold shoulder to your brothers and sisters and danced to the tunes of her parents your story would have been quite different and you will not have any thing to do in this forum.

This is your life and any you alone can make your decisions.leave BPD aside for a moment and try to convince her since the importance of a meeting a good marriage counsellor.If possible record the whole conversation.Your marriage is too young and in my opinion you thinking of divorce is a bit premature at this stage.Settling in marriage takes time.Give this some more time.

If things do not work out then try for MCD.

But EOD DO NOT LEAVE YOUR PARENTS WHATEVER BE THE CONSEQUENCES.NATURE WILLBE KIND ON YOU.

Sugam Dayal (Business)     16 May 2014

Thanks Gautam

Sugam Dayal (Business)     22 May 2014

somebody in these forums said that

throw away your anger, fear, revenge and greed...and i am trying to do that. below answer to Heera is actually answers for me to questions which i should also ask myself.

--------------------------------

Oh my God Heera. I am compelled to reply to you. sorry for my english.

First of all, thanks for the perspective which you have tried to project. this is what i wanted from members ( novice, student,elders or expert, whoever maybe).


You sound just like my wife. I do not know if you are man or a woman.
 In my post i have written that she knew my responsibilities and thats what i have discussed with her in length before marrying. now if she was not able to access the kind of responsibility which she may have to bear with me, probably that's her fault( when before marriage i have provided her a platform, now dont tell me that i can lie here...i wont gain anything). So when a person is having a responsibility, he has to divide his time for people look at him.
Why i said u sound like my wife, because u r a hypocrite. you say u understand my responsiblity and then you give a solution to not go for marriage. In which books its written that a responsible man who is runing his family after years of hardship cannot marry. Yes he has to assure that he marries a woman who understand it and thats what i explained her. Many girls said no to me and i said know to them because either they didnt wanted to take up what i was bearing alone or i thought they will not be able to take up what i was bearing. with my wife, before marriage, she did all to help my mother and sis and bro...and accepted me because she thinks a man who takes care of her family irrespective of him being burdened is a good man.

She married me because i am a good man. now she is yelling at me saying why i am a good man only to a particular set of people.

So you sound like a hypocrite, who says s/he understand, but do not have any perspective.

And i Say you do not understand the meaning of a dutiful son and why dutiful because his parents gave him this life. In my opinion duty is not attached to emotions of love or affection, Duty is attached to commitment to give back what was given to you, Duty is attached to the feeling of responsibility of doing it when u know u can do it. Duty is attached to ability of exercise your powers to help the powerless when u know that will help them...obviously power within your capacity.


So do not give me a suggestion about grow-up and attachment to my siblings. my mind is very crystal clear.

So here also i will say u r a hypocrite who says you agree with me on my financial liability but give me a solution to disassociate with that.


The list of expectation which you have listed here which i am expecting from her...is a sheer exaggeration  of my expectation which i have not written anywhere. I don't think its write to portray my expectation without understand it.

That's why i say u sound like my wife...a hypocrite by heart...who is passionate about showing sympathy but is not compassionate enough to understand whats being written

 

there are experts who have gone many times against a married man here, but they have good reasons and suggestions which they tried to ask the men to follow first.


What i see in you is a kid!!!

 

now you will ask him why i want to divorce...where my sense of duty and responsibility gone with my legally wedded wife...???will you ask that...i propose you to ask me that if you have that guestion

Sugam Dayal (Business)     23 May 2014

Heera thanks for what you have written as your reply. that gives me a feeling that people have clarity of thoughts with their own good reasons

well my case resembles yours and that's why i say you sound like my wife.


she is single child to her parent..was pampered a lot...she has asked divorce 3-4 times...but cannot give because of social stigma...

She is not working...and we do not have kid...her parents sometimes support her sometimes oppose her...problem is she don't know what to do to either handle the situation or get out of it...

that's why i say she is bi-polar...she cannot even understand her parents suggestion

She is trapping herself


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