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N/AAAAAAAAAA (N/A)     28 October 2009

Need advise,live-in relationship,refusal to marry, dowry

I need some advice on my situation, I have provided the details below kindly advise me what the best course will be.

I was in a relationship with a man from a prominent business family of Kanpur. We were in a live-in relationship in Australia (Sep 2006) during which we had s*xual relations, we had decided to get married in the future. He then had to return to India (June 2007) to his family business but promised me that we will get married soon. After which I informed my parents about my decision to marry him and my mother spoke to him also (Sep 2007). He then returned to Australia for one month (Dec 2007-Jan 2008) and we resumed our live-in relationship all in the understanding that we will get married. I was due to return one month later to India to begin marriage talks with our families. The boy did not want me to remain in Australia and I finished my studies ahead of schedule to return to India (Feb 2008).

Boy came to my house in Chennai (Mar 2008), met my parents and other family members and asked for my hand in marriage. After spending a full day with him he was given consent and as a token of consent, a gold chain was gifted to him by my family.

Next our families met in Kanpur (Apr 2008), initially everything was fine, families agreed and boy's mother put two gold bangles in my hand as a sign of consent. Next day, the boy's parents demanded to have the wedding in Kanpur, we are from chennai and as hindu traditions weddings take place in girls home/town, my parent's refused to have the wedding in Kanpur and the talks were suspended for sometime. Both parties parted requesting time to think about it.

During this time, boy and me were in constant touch via phone and internet (video conferencing). After some months, my parents agreed for my happiness to conduct the wedding in Kanpur and this time (Feb 2009) the boy's parents and a family friend came to chennai without the boy. When they came they first refused to talk about the marriage but instead asked me many questions and told me its still not late as I'm in Chennai and he is in Kanpur. I said there is nothing to decide, we love eachother and want to marry. After lot of cross questioning they agreed for marriage and date was fixed as per their choice, 22 April 2009.

My parents requested them to keep it on a later date as it was too soon for arrangements to be made but they insisted as the boy\'s parents and elder brother got married in april month. My parents also agreed to it although it would be extremely difficult to arrange money and resources plus the inauspicious month between march 15-april 15 will reduce the time more. My parents immediately booked train tickets for my family and relatives as already no tickets were available due to summer time. We only got tickets till Jhansi which is a town a few hours away from Kanpur.

Then his parent's demanded for a car saying that its to show the society that they've married their son into a good family, even the elder son had received a car and they don't want any comparison between the 2 daughter in laws. My family refused, as we do not practice dowry. His mother also went on to list the gifts and jewellery they received during their eldest son's marriage to tell us their expectations. They made it clear that they did not want comparison between the two weddings hence anything we do has to be equal or greater than the previous wedding.

My parents and me clearly said we will do as per our hearts desires in the wedding but will not give any car as we do not like such practice. They refused to listen to us and kept insisting on it along with their friend. I then called up the boy and told him about his parents demands who in turn called up his parents. His parents then got upset with the fact that their son was questioning them and due to me.

They came home the next day and created a scene saying how could I call him and say dowry, they never said dowry, they said gift for the daughter. We will throw the boy out of the house and disown him. And many such things about the boy and me. My parents then tried to pacify them and told them not to get upset.

They finally left with the date still fixed for 22 April 2009 and told my father to immediately come to Kanpur with money to make all arrangements as time was less and the venues will not be available. My father had already expressed his difficulty in arranging money on such short notice but they insisted he manage and come at the earliest as they had a venue in mind.

Then they started questioning him about his budget and when told they said they wanted a wedding at a venue which had a higher budget the their guests are more. Then after making arrangements within one week my father booked tickets in tatkal to kanpur and informed his father. I had informed the boy earlier itself the date of my dad's arrival to kanpur. My dad then officially told his father, that time his father asks my dad to cancel all tickets as he is not available due to a family emergency. This family emergency had taken place while they were in Chennai itself and that time they told us as soon as they returned, they would leave to the place of family emergency the very next day. My father was due to go to Kanpur almost more than a week after they went back to Kanpur. We assumed they had already gone and returned to the other place in that one week. The boy never communicated to us about his parents plans but was always aware of my dad's arrival. Last minute, boy father told my dad to cancel.

My father then informed me and I got extremely upset and called the boy and fought with him. This conversation was overheard by the boy's father who used it as an excuse to cancel the wedding saying I was accusing them of dowry demands and accusing them for expensive wedding venues.

After calling them several times to apologize, they continued to insult me and my parents. My father then went to kanpur (Mar 2009) with his best friend to solve the matter. Now his family started talking about horoscopes, saying they consulted astrologers who said this weding is not good and will break in 6 months. The boy is manglik and girl is not and many such things which were never discussed before. My father said these things can be solved by doing appropriate puja's and this is a love marriage so all these things should not be give His family still refused to go ahead right away and said give it time. My father apologized for hurting their sentiments if at all. Meanwhile, the boy also started behaving funny, changing his phone number and going away on holidays.

With the help of friends I traced him to delhi where at a friends house we met and spent 2 nights together (Mar 2009), we spoke and decided we will give it time. We also had partial s*xual relation during those 2 nights.

After this the boy's family started acting funny, over the next few months they did not allow the boy to talk to me, the boy started avoiding me and my family members and when we spoke we would end up fighting.I also went to kanpur (Aug 2009) where the boy met me but said he can't do anything and he will not go against his family. His family doesn't like me and my family. I returned to chennai.

After returning, the boy and me kept in touch but not a lot, in this period, his family became aware of our live-in relationship and the boy's father tried to beat him up. The boy called me and cried on the phone.

After that situation was very tense, one night when I called the boy (Sep 2009), his father answered and started shouting at me saying why are you calling him when it is all over, he then threatened to file an FIR against me if I ever go to Kanpur. He said don't call him again, I have his phone now.

His father then called my parents and told them about my trip to kanpur and abused my character to them. My parents then confronted me and I broke down and told them about the live-in relationship. My family has been trying to contact the boy.


Now his family are not allowing my parents to talk to him, they say they have disowned him and thrown him out of the house which is a lie. We asked some of our known contacts in kanpur to check where the boy is and all told us he is with his family.

After this, everytime my father calls his father, they continue defaming me, and talk rubbish about my character and say somethings which I can confirm that now even the boy is supporting his family and defaming me (Sep-0ct 2009)

Now, I'm in a dilemma as to what to do.

They have ruined my life. The boy promised to marry me, I had s*xual relations based on that promise and trusted him. His parents demanded for dowry and when refused they cancelled the wedding. I have been going through mental trauma for the past few years due to this. I left my life and career in Australia for this boy and he has betrayed and abandoned me. My parent's are willing to get us married with respect but his family is not agreeing and the boy is also not ready to marry against his family's wishes as he is dependent on them.

I want to know whether I have any legal course of action. I want to fight for justice. They are very powerful people with lots of money and will buy through their case. I do not want money but I want justice. I want my rights.

In our country, this happens so often. Girls are used by boys who then abandon them and marry their parents choice. I want to fight this evil. Please understand I\'m not doing this for any monetary gains as I understand many women also misuse the law.

I would like some advice on this. I am not getting much support as people are scared about reputation but I want justice. I also want to know, if there is any legal case here where should I file any case from?He is from Kanpur and I am from Chennai.

Thanks and Regards
P



Learning

 20 Replies

Tarun Kalra LL.M, M.B.A (advocate)     28 October 2009

You have a very good case, now the supereme court of india also gave judgements on live in relationship, that aftere a long live in relationship, refusal to marry comes under the defintion of rape under section 376 of indian penal code, and the family of boy and boy himself lower down the reputaion of you and your family, so you can also file a complaint against them under section 499 of indian penal code, ingredients of section 420 and 406 are also present against boy and boys family read with section 120b and section 34 of ipc, you must not permit such kind of peopels to do it again with any other girl, lodge a first information report in concerned police station of your area, and if the boy or his family threatend you by killing you, or that they would kill you, also file a fir us 506 of ipc read with above mentioned sections, so you have a very good case, for more consultation which is subject to legal fee, you can contact with me on my mobile number 09996311003,

adv. rajeev ( rajoo ) (practicing advocate)     28 October 2009

My straight forward advise is slap the boy and his parents and come out of this lead a new life, which has gifted by the god.

U can fight from Chennai,  So many reasons you have got to file a criminal case against the family members of the man whom you loved.

I thnik ur boyfrnd just wanted to enjoy with you, he is not daring persion, if he had really loved you and wanted to live with you he coubl have come out of his house.

If u got good man tell him about you if agreed then marry him.

Suchitra. S (Advocate)     28 October 2009

It is indeed sad that girls dont think twice before getting into live in relationships. There is no prior condition that the two of them should get married afterwards. The concept of ive in relationship is misunderstood as having permission to have s*x before marriage. All you can do is ,to file a case for maintenance from that boy for having relatiosnhip with you. Court cannot order him to marry you.

PJANARDHANA REDDY (ADVOCATE & DIRECTOR)     28 October 2009

DEARSISTER ,

FIRST DECIDE THESE AS ASPECTS, THEN WE GUIDE::

1.Teaching lesson these guys are so important than your balance life?

2.You want to forget the fast and start fresh life?

3. Still you want marry thre boy of 420 and continue the family as ur family?

4. I am not discouraging,we have 100s of cases like this, all are same end results both will wast  WHOLE  life in Litigations,  police,courts,arrests,bails,corral etc.,

5.Past is past, let us hope for the best of life.

Vikas Dharmendra (Consultant)     28 October 2009

I am agree with PJANARDHANA REDDY

N/AAAAAAAAAA (N/A)     28 October 2009

Thanks everyone for your reply.

Tarun, I have noted your advise and will look into it further.

Rajeev, I feel like doing that too but it won't change the fact that my life has been ruined and I don't want him and his parents to ruin another girl's life. I am an Engineer & MBA and he also is an MBA with the finest education since school. Yet this happened. If such things are taking place with educated people I shudder to think the plight of those poor and uneducated families. I want parents and sons like these to understand that they cannot play god and ruin someone's life. A slap will do nothing.

Suchitra, the relationship was based on love, trust and friendship which has been abused by the boy and for his family. I don't want the court to order him to marry me, I want them to realise that they cannot ruin someone's life for their selfish reasons.

Pjanardhana, Yes I understand the motto of live and let live. But honestly I can't let this get away as I'm tired of the atrocities against women in our country. I'm not trying to change the world but I will be able to look at myself in the mirror when I know I did my bit for the country/society and I stood up for the truth. This is about one's principles. I don't want to marry the boy anymore, but want to ensure they don't repeat this again and ruin someother girl's life.

 

Mahesh (Owner)     28 October 2009

Hi there,

My deepest regret to the things happended to you in past. My life is also ruined by my wife who lived with me in USA for 8+ years and I can understand how you must be feeling at this point in life. I would like to give few friendly suggestions to you.

1. Life is a process of learning and just accept that this time things did not work the way you wanted such to work. The more you accept the reality, the lessor it becomes for you as an obligation to react to this life situation. Whatever happened in the past has already happened and your present is with you to shape now. If you continue holding onto your past, you will neither live life at present nor will be able to discharge your duties and responsibilities that are upon you. I do not mean forget everything that happened but just accept and it will free you from the mental agony that you are inflicting onto yourself.

2. The more you try to pursue this matter with legal proceedings, the worse of it will come back to try to haunt you and your mental balance will be seriously affected. Take it as if you failed in this exam and proceed. Evenif you win all the cases against this boy, would you really marry him? Also, will it be known to the other girl for whom you are trying to fight? What you are trying to save here is an imaginary person that you do not know and will not appreciate it evenif such a person exists. If such person does not appreciate you, then another motion of regret and compulsory revenge kind of things will soon start.  On the otherside, say for an instance that such a girl really comes to know of your story and appreciates your efforts still what is the final outcome of it? Your life really hasn't changed.

3. Talk to your parents and close friends and tell them how you failed misrably and that you are ready to give up this past and try something new this time. Feel the present moment and see how enjoyable it is and you are overlooking the fact that during all this time you always have a great support of your friends and family. Congratulate yourself that you are out of this bondage and move on.

4. If you want further assistance, read a book "Power of now"  and you will really find great mental support.

All I am saying is, there will be time to fight but this is not it. There will be time to take a look at this injustice but this is not now. Yiou are a young girl and just don't stop living your life for such a little life situation.

My best wishes.

Mahesh Gokhale

N/AAAAAAAAAA (N/A)     28 October 2009

Mahesh, I refuse to be just another victim in life. It's this thinking that let's just walkaway that leads to such a situation in the first place. If women in our country would have stood up for such cases long time ago then parents and sons like this boy would think many times before they even take steps like these.

We infact have given them ample time and opportunity to solve this in an amicable and civilized manner however they continue in plotting against me by defaming me at every opportunity. Nobody says anything about the boy's role in this situation. The girl has to carry the burden and is expected to bow down in shame and forget about it and move on.

If you fail in an exam, you just don't cry over it and forget it. You retake that test by facing the challenges you met the previous time which led to failure.

I don't want to marry him anymore. I want the truth to win. I cannot be a bystander and let people get away with deciet and deception without any remorse or guilt.

Whether the next girl will care or not, it's her decision not mine. But if I don't stop them who will guarantee that the next girl might not face such issues or even god forbid killed over dowry.

This is a vicious cycle in our society. I'll be mentally distressed if I let it run over me instead of fighting it.

N/AAAAAAAAAA (N/A)     28 October 2009

I would like to know if contacting any NGO will help coz I don't have any support and the boy's family has lot of money and connections that they will use coz they have several cases against them but they always manage to avoid arrest.

Please help me with how I can ensure that they cannot get away with money this time. And contact details of any NGO. Nobody answers the phone at the national commission for women.

Vikas Dharmendra (Consultant)     28 October 2009

The things which should be done after marriage are done before,,, in my point of view that kind of relation is called a unofficial marriage and breaking is called unofficial divorce.......   but mistakes happens.... ..   .. if people want long relations then only trust and love doesn't matter,, all factors should be considered before divinig in relation... Otherwise these kind of things are common....    you can file a case of defame against him.....  Forget him and restart your new life...

N/AAAAAAAAAA (N/A)     28 October 2009

Forgetting and walking away is not an option. Please give me options to fight them. Thanks.

Suchitra. S (Advocate)     29 October 2009

If there was any other legal remedy available, we would have definitely helped you. You say you are an educated woman and we have given the best advise. Mistakes of life should be taken as lessons. Just move ahead boldly in life and be confident of your decisions.

Feroz M Shafeeque (Police Officer)     29 October 2009

I think his parents can also be implicated under Dowry prohibition laws.  If you are not able to contact your state women commission search for some NGO s in Chennai, who deals with women's issues.

I am not sure whether it will help, but try to make contact with the office bearers of www.anweshi.org. They take up women's issue particularly of Kerala, but they can guide you regarding the course of action or suggest you names of other NGOs in Tamilnadu.

VIPIN (2ND OFFICER)     02 November 2009

IAM ENGAGED TO A GIRL IN NAGPUR ON DEC 2008.WE HELD THE MARRAIGE FOR MY EXAMS AND WORK RELATED ISSUE.MEANWHILE,I FELL IN LOVE WITH MY OLD FRIEND IN MUMBAI WHOM I HAVE KNOWN SINCE 10 YRS NOW.MY TO BE INLAWS AND THE ENGAGED GIRL INCLUDING MY PARENTS KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT MY AFFAIR NOW.NOW THAT I HAVE KNWN WHICH IS THE BEST GIRL TO GET MARRIED,I HAVE THOUGHT OF CALLING MY ENGAGEMENT OFF.IAM IN VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

MEANWHILE,IT SO HAPPEND,BOTH THE GIRLS SPOKE ON THE PHONE AND THERE WHERE MANY FIREWORKS,IN WHICH I CAME TO KNOW THE THINKING PROCESS OF THE ENGAGED GIRL FROM NAGPUR TO BE VERY BAD,I MEAN SHE TALKS ABOUT TAKING REVENGE AND OTHER THINGS ABOUT ME...WHERE AS MY GIRLFRIEND,WHO IS ALSO IN LOVE WITH ME TALKED VERY DECENTLY.ENGAGED GIRL'S UNCLES ALOS CALLED MY GIRLFRIEND IN MUMBAI AND THREATNED HER OF SO MANY THINGS..WHICH ONLY SHOWS THE NATURE OF THAT FAMILY.ALSO,THE ENGAGED GIRL EMAILED ME OF DOING A FRAUD CASE AGAINTS ME AND TO MY SURPRISE,THIS IDEA WAS GIVEN BY MY PARENTS ITSELF.I HAVE THE COPY OF THAT EMAIL.SHE IS A NICE GIRL NO DOUBT BUT I DONT LOVE HER.MY ONLY POINT IS ,I DONT THINK I CAN KEEP HER HAPPY AND I REALLY WANT TO MARRY MY GIRLFRIEND ASAP.MY PARENTS ARE IN LOVE WITH THAT ENAGEGED GIRL.AND SINCE MY GIRLFRIEND IS A BROADMINDED MUSLIM,MY PARENTS ARE AGAINTS IT.ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND,AS WE ARE BORUGHT UP IN A CITY LIKE ATMOSPHERE,WE DONT CARE OR SAY VALUR THIS RELIGION STUFF,BUT MY PARENTS ARE ADAMANT.

kINDLY HELP ME TO GET RID OF THIS PROBLEM ASAP.I WISH TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND GET MARRIED TO MY GIRLFRIEND ASAP.PLEASE ADVICE,IS THERE ANY LEGAL COURSE OR LAWSUITS CAN BE FRAMED AGAINTS ME OR MY PARENTS??IS YES,PLS ADVICE THE COURSE OF ACTION.THANKS


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