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drathod   11 October 2016

Mental harrasment and domestc violence by husband

I have been married for 8 years now and have a 4 year old daughter. It was a so called "'love marriage" where from college days he threatened to kill himself if i did not agree to marry him. he is very agressive, abusive, irresponsible. He has not educated SSLC dropout. No job in hand but does small real estate dealing here and there from all these years. i am a bcom graduate working from 2008. and the entire household runs on my salary. not bothered about the money its all for the family but my husband is a creep. dont know what to name it a male ego or inferiority feeling, he yells for each and every small thing, creates a ruckass for silly matters, breaks all the household items beats me up. all these years i tried everything to change him. gave him all the financial support my entire salary, cards so that he will not feel low. but his fancy living was making the matters worst. i thought after having a baby he will atleast change but it got worser. he is totally irresponsible. not bothered about the baby does not spend time with her, does not show her any compassion, keeps scolding her for each and every small thing. my baby was only 9 months when he forced me to join back to work. To be frank with no support from anyone struggling with baby, work and husband i am exhausted. his aggression is impacting my daughter's growth. he is only living his life with friends and his social network. every month i had bruises blood clots. Finally it crossed the limit and i told my parents and his parents. he does not bother about his relatives he overpowers them. but i thought atleast he will have impact of my parents knowing the facts. Last year i literally had to take my daughter and run at night 11.30 to my parents house bleeding with bare foot. for 4 days he did not even call. but when i got all my documents from home, he realised i will leave him and begged for forgiveness. the changes remained for only 2 months. again the same aggression and rage is impacting my daughter. she cries and pleades him not to scold or hit me. All i wanted was him to spend time with family and show some compassion which ofcourse is the right of a wife and child in a relationship.

I do not want anything from him. just the loan repayment of 5 lakh which i have given him for clearing his debts. and want to stay separate from him. dont want a divorce if thats an option. but i want my child's custody.

Please advice what can be done and what all to be considered legally.

Thanks in advance.



 23 Replies

whatnot   11 October 2016

I'm really sorry to hear your plight.

 

Visit a Crime Against a Woman cell in your local police station and lodge a complaint. State all facts.. Show medical report if you have any. Do nothing more . Nothing less. Do not state that you want money, divorce or anything. State the crime and just that. Let law take its course of action.

 

Stay separately. Don't take any other action at this moment.

 

You have judicial separation option , which you can think after a while..

 

 

At this moment, Stay separately after the compalint. Recuparate. Get the life organised for the child. You would need some time to think what actions to take. And don't take those actions in the heat of monet. Including recovery of money.. Money is smallest of your worries.

 

Get your life back and then think forward.

 

All the best.

 

1 Like

Kumar Doab (FIN)     11 October 2016

Generate irrefutable evidence of all allegations.

If possible go for counselling and proper medication for maniac like behaviour and aggression, frustration etc.

 

Psychiatrist can opine better.

1 Like

singhmonika   11 October 2016

your case is fit case for domestice voilance. you can file a case in the court under section 12 of Protection of  women from domestice voilance act. filing the cases in the aforesaid act u will get orders against any voilance weather it is a physical , mental , verbal or economical. the most important is your child, who is witnessing all this voilance and at this growing/tender  age  she require a very conducive enviornment which she is not getting. you both can gat all the orders againt all type of  voilance. there are so many remadies to a woman these days.,  you can approach to the police, women cells/commission.in my opnion  the best remedy is filing Domectic Voilance  complaint in court and since your child is also suffering the voilance. you can also approach to the child welfare commettiee in your area  on behalf your child and can also protect his/her rights which we generally  ignore.

1 Like

(Guest)
Ramesh Singh, singmonika, kumardoaib, whatnot have given opinions in different shades. You knew everything. You married. Girls complain that they are not given chance of decision making/taking the lead, here u have it all in your hands, and still there is problem? He beats u? Why? I say it takes two to tango. And this has been happening over a period of time. Is responsibility driving you nuts or is being otherwise is making him at wits end? How did the kid happen? Once you have kid it is a sin to think of parting ways. Courts don't have much to offer. Be it resumption of marital life or offering anything in terms of child care n custody. However custody will be in mothers hand till 5 yrs. Then father has rights. Never ending legal battle. U can't undo mistake now. U come way too far to turn back. Many men suffer at hands of irresponsible wives, silently for a lifetime. Why can't you is my question? For other things there are of course useless police n courts which are of no help in matrimonial matters. So it's ur call now.

(Guest)
So called love..? If love becomes so called, then Gods must be really crazy to have sent such ppl to.earth. one move into court, will jeopardise lives of 3 families including the kid's. Think very carefully before taking any decision. If you need counselling you can take my num n contact me.

whatnot   11 October 2016

Originally posted by : Gyan Prakash
Ramesh Singh, singmonika, kumardoaib, whatnot have given opinions in different shades.

You knew everything. You married. Girls complain that they are not given chance of decision making/taking the lead, here u have it all in your hands, and still there is problem? He beats u? Why? I say it takes two to tango. And this has been happening over a period of time. Is responsibility driving you nuts or is being otherwise is making him at wits end? How did the kid happen? Once you have kid it is a sin to think of parting ways.

Courts don't have much to offer. Be it resumption of marital life or offering anything in terms of child care n custody. However custody will be in mothers hand till 5 yrs. Then father has rights. Never ending legal battle.

U can't undo mistake now. U come way too far to turn back. Many men suffer at hands of irresponsible wives, silently for a lifetime. Why can't you is my question? For other things there are of course useless police n courts which are of no help in matrimonial matters. So it's ur call now.

So much bitterness about life isn't good. It may burn.

 

But I do agree courts don't have much to offer

NANDKUMAR B SAWANT (ADVOCATE./LAWYER)     11 October 2016

KINDLY NOTE THAT.

1. YOU MAY FILE AN APPLICATION UNDER PROVISIONS OF PROTECTION OF WOMEN FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ACT AND PRAY FOR RELEIF yOU MAY MENTION ACTUAL FACTS AND GROUNDS FOR APPLICATION AND ALSO MENTION ACTUAL FACTS FROM DATE OF MARRIAGE AND PLACES MARRIED COUPLE RESIDED SINCE MARRIAGE AND ALSO MENTION ACTUAL FACTS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND ACTUAL CRUELTY AND BEATING BY THE OTHER SIDE AND COPIES OF ANY POLICE COMPLAINTS OR N.C.FILED BY YOU. YOU MAY MENTION THEORNAMENTS AND YOUR DEBIT AND CREDIT CARDS FORCEFULLY TAKEN FROM YOU AND ALSO MENTION  AMOUNT EXTRACTED FROM YOU OF RS.5 LAKHS AND ALSO PRAY FOR RECOVERY OF SAME.

GOOD LUCK.

A) PROTECTION ORDER FROM THE COURT .TO DIRECT THE POLICE INSPECTOR IN THE AREA POLICE STATION TO GIVE PROTECTION.BY APPRIORIATE STAPES.

B. RESIDENTIAL ORDER . TO PROVIDE YOU PLACE OF RESIDENCE THE FAMILY HOUSE WHICH IS YOUR MATRIMONIAL HOME.

C. MAINTAINENCE ORDER FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD.

1 Like

NANDKUMAR B SAWANT (ADVOCATE./LAWYER)     11 October 2016

 PROTECTION OFFICER WILL FILE HIS REPORT IN COURT AND COURT WILL PASS JUST AND PROPER ORDERS UP ON HEARING BOTH THE ADVOCATES.

 

drathod   11 October 2016

Originally posted by : Gyan Prakash
Ramesh Singh, singmonika, kumardoaib, whatnot have given opinions in different shades.

You knew everything. You married. Girls complain that they are not given chance of decision making/taking the lead, here u have it all in your hands, and still there is problem? He beats u? Why? I say it takes two to tango. And this has been happening over a period of time. Is responsibility driving you nuts or is being otherwise is making him at wits end? How did the kid happen? Once you have kid it is a sin to think of parting ways.

Courts don't have much to offer. Be it resumption of marital life or offering anything in terms of child care n custody. However custody will be in mothers hand till 5 yrs. Then father has rights. Never ending legal battle.

U can't undo mistake now. U come way too far to turn back. Many men suffer at hands of irresponsible wives, silently for a lifetime. Why can't you is my question? For other things there are of course useless police n courts which are of no help in matrimonial matters. So it's ur call now.

Thank you so much for the gyan. U say girls have choice and its alll there in her hands. It is all easy to quote in words unless u go through the circumstances and live the life in fear. i will tell u the scenario of me getting married. i belong a lower middle class family. dad is a teacher. mom is a schizophrenia patient. i have a elder sister who had the odacity to deny a proposal of such loafers who used to follow everywhere threatening to accept their proposal. and one fine day she was came and collapsed at home from college with blood flowing by the cuts of knife behind her back. she was in PUC and i was in class 10. dad was so much horrified. just think of a person who has 2 daughters and have to see all this. for him having daughters becomes a sin. somehow we crossed that phase but we both stuck on to continue our studies coz its was crucial for our future living. 

afterr this incident comes my husband back then following proposing. when refused cut his hands. created scenes near busstop. sent messages through others in college. so now it was the situation where i tell this at home loose my studies and go to village. or accept his proposal and finish my studies. the thought that tmrw i may be targeted for an acid attack or a knife cutting my back haunted me. why then till today girls are facing the bitter impact of refusing a proposal and being killed in open public with no one to even help just last month in Delhi.

Everywhere they say it takes 2 to tango. but it does not apply for people like him.

few incidents:1) Calls up from an unknwn number talks all nonsense. the calls repeat. i was in office so ignored the calls. it went on till evening. when he called i said there is this number from which a random guy is calling since morning.

His reation: why the hell did u not scold him. why did you keep cutting the calls. is this how u react to people. tmrw u may receive his calls and start talking with him. then u will become frnds.... and it went on.

2) watching tv at night at inlaws place. all of a sudden slapped me so hard that there was blood on walls. the reason he was hungry and i did not serve him food. where he did not even ask a word.

3) baby had fever crying continuosly vomitted. not looking at her and pacifying her he started scolding and yelling becuase the floor carpet was spoilt.

4) feeding the baby in hall. mobile in kitchen. he calls up from shop. i was not able to pick up. comes home and starts beating like an animal.

5) my daughters bday. guests at home. she was crying for a doll and i was pacfying her that after the guests are gone i will give that and till then she had to share. He enters the room hits me black and blue with no reason. all the guests had to catch hold of him.

6) daughter speaks to me while he is watching TV. Yells at her for disturbing and scares the sh*t out of her where she starts pleading that she will not do it again. 

these are all silly silly matters where a sensible man would have not reacted this way. and yes there are eye witnesses who had seen all this but unable to help. I do have all the messages which he has sent asking for forgiveness. and a letter which he has signed where he had agreed not to hit me and spend time with my daughter. 

Having a baby was his societal pressure as people started to ask him repeatedly for not having a baby. It was not that we were ready for the baby. we had nothing in hand but all debts.

I have tried everything in my hand to makes things better. coz i do not want to regret that i have not tried my best to stay in the relation. compromise in a relation should be from both sides. only if one is trying to sustain will not help. he realises all that he has done is wrong but still continues the same bcoz of his anger. tried convincing him for the counciling also but he denied.

not asking for a divorce is because i do not want my family or my daughter to suffer the after effects of it. secondly i do not want him to give that option of remarrying anyone else and spoiling her life too. and the society is not open for a divorced women as they say. people look at them in a different way. there are many in the society when they come to know the weakness of a women doesnot leave a chance to take advantage. At the end of the day my daughter needs a fatherly figure.

I have my daughters future to look upto. i may compromise which i have done all these years but it shld not be that one day i lose my life and my daughter is left alone to suffer the cruelty. Its better late than never. silence is good for sometime if there is a scope of things getting better. but not for an entire lifetime where there is no hope.

not asking for anything as i have the capability to earn my and my daughters living. not even bothered if 5 lakh loan is not given by him. i can settle it in 3-4 years. i know i cannot undo what has been done. but atleast take preventive measures for things to happen in future. 
 

Kumar Doab (FIN)     11 October 2016

Record his conduct.

Take him to psychologist/psychiatrist.

Keep track of treatment record.

He may improve with treatment.

Counselling can help.

I have  seen people improving with counselling and treatment.

 

 

drathod   11 October 2016

Originally posted by : Ramesh Singh
Same problem reminded me in case of Mr.&Mrs. Mohan & Sudha & daughter. But now they are happily living without opting legal way.

I would be more than happy if this can be solved without legal actions. It was not easy for me to for me to think to opt this way as i had to think a lot of going place to place having my daughter in hand and doing all the legal formalities. no mother wants to expose their kid to court and police station unless they do not have any other option. 

Please tell what other option you have from your previous case so that i can try that option too before ending up in legal way. If you are aout to tell me to get him for councelling, let me tell you that i have tried that too. he is very adamant on not getting treated. and the psychiatrist also says that unless the person reliases and willing to get treated they are helpless. he does not want to come for family councilling also. he tells that he feels insulted and more rage comes from that topic.

A walk alone (-)     11 October 2016

Try one thing next time when he beats you or torture you just record all thing (audio) and call police. Then police will take care all. May be your husband will start behaving well in fear of police or jail. But if he continue his previous behavior then just take your daughter and start living some where else. If he file custody case he will not get. Your medical report, your recording will help you in getting custody. You are doing job court will also consider. Dnt worry every one has problem in life it depends upon us how we deal with them. Just concentrate on your job and daughter's future.
1 Like

Kumar Doab (FIN)     11 October 2016

If husband is not earning and conduct is bad, then the debt is huge burden on wife.

Someone has to step in to counsel the husband so that he changes his society, comes out of self inflicted shell and becomes responsible.


(Guest)
Originally posted by : drathod



Originally posted by : Gyan Prakash



Ramesh Singh, singmonika, kumardoaib, whatnot have given opinions in different shades.

You knew everything. You married. Girls complain that they are not given chance of decision making/taking the lead, here u have it all in your hands, and still there is problem? He beats u? Why? I say it takes two to tango. And this has been happening over a period of time. Is responsibility driving you nuts or is being otherwise is making him at wits end? How did the kid happen? Once you have kid it is a sin to think of parting ways.

Courts don't have much to offer. Be it resumption of marital life or offering anything in terms of child care n custody. However custody will be in mothers hand till 5 yrs. Then father has rights. Never ending legal battle.

U can't undo mistake now. U come way too far to turn back. Many men suffer at hands of irresponsible wives, silently for a lifetime. Why can't you is my question? For other things there are of course useless police n courts which are of no help in matrimonial matters. So it's ur call now.





Thank you so much for the gyan. U say girls have choice and its alll there in her hands. It is all easy to quote in words unless u go through the circumstances and live the life in fear. i will tell u the scenario of me getting married. i belong a lower middle class family. dad is a teacher. mom is a schizophrenia patient. i have a elder sister who had the odacity to deny a proposal of such loafers who used to follow everywhere threatening to accept their proposal. and one fine day she was came and collapsed at home from college with blood flowing by the cuts of knife behind her back. she was in PUC and i was in class 10. dad was so much horrified. just think of a person who has 2 daughters and have to see all this. for him having daughters becomes a sin. somehow we crossed that phase but we both stuck on to continue our studies coz its was crucial for our future living. 

afterr this incident comes my husband back then following proposing. when refused cut his hands. created scenes near busstop. sent messages through others in college. so now it was the situation where i tell this at home loose my studies and go to village. or accept his proposal and finish my studies. the thought that tmrw i may be targeted for an acid attack or a knife cutting my back haunted me. why then till today girls are facing the bitter impact of refusing a proposal and being killed in open public with no one to even help just last month in Delhi.

Everywhere they say it takes 2 to tango. but it does not apply for people like him.

few incidents:1) Calls up from an unknwn number talks all nonsense. the calls repeat. i was in office so ignored the calls. it went on till evening. when he called i said there is this number from which a random guy is calling since morning.

His reation: why the hell did u not scold him. why did you keep cutting the calls. is this how u react to people. tmrw u may receive his calls and start talking with him. then u will become frnds.... and it went on.

2) watching tv at night at inlaws place. all of a sudden slapped me so hard that there was blood on walls. the reason he was hungry and i did not serve him food. where he did not even ask a word.

3) baby had fever crying continuosly vomitted. not looking at her and pacifying her he started scolding and yelling becuase the floor carpet was spoilt.

4) feeding the baby in hall. mobile in kitchen. he calls up from shop. i was not able to pick up. comes home and starts beating like an animal.

5) my daughters bday. guests at home. she was crying for a doll and i was pacfying her that after the guests are gone i will give that and till then she had to share. He enters the room hits me black and blue with no reason. all the guests had to catch hold of him.

6) daughter speaks to me while he is watching TV. Yells at her for disturbing and scares the sh*t out of her where she starts pleading that she will not do it again. 

these are all silly silly matters where a sensible man would have not reacted this way. and yes there are eye witnesses who had seen all this but unable to help. I do have all the messages which he has sent asking for forgiveness. and a letter which he has signed where he had agreed not to hit me and spend time with my daughter. 

Having a baby was his societal pressure as people started to ask him repeatedly for not having a baby. It was not that we were ready for the baby. we had nothing in hand but all debts.

I have tried everything in my hand to makes things better. coz i do not want to regret that i have not tried my best to stay in the relation. compromise in a relation should be from both sides. only if one is trying to sustain will not help. he realises all that he has done is wrong but still continues the same bcoz of his anger. tried convincing him for the counciling also but he denied.

not asking for a divorce is because i do not want my family or my daughter to suffer the after effects of it. secondly i do not want him to give that option of remarrying anyone else and spoiling her life too. and the society is not open for a divorced women as they say. people look at them in a different way. there are many in the society when they come to know the weakness of a women doesnot leave a chance to take advantage. At the end of the day my daughter needs a fatherly figure.

I have my daughters future to look upto. i may compromise which i have done all these years but it shld not be that one day i lose my life and my daughter is left alone to suffer the cruelty. Its better late than never. silence is good for sometime if there is a scope of things getting better. but not for an entire lifetime where there is no hope.

not asking for anything as i have the capability to earn my and my daughters living. not even bothered if 5 lakh loan is not given by him. i can settle it in 3-4 years. i know i cannot undo what has been done. but atleast take preventive measures for things to happen in future. 
 

 

Hello,

 

Though your reply is addressed to Mr Gyan Prakash, I would like to share with you my opinion regarding the problem you have posted here.  Though a little bit sarcastic in his reply, I agree with Mr Gyan Prakash’s view.

 

Marriage is such a painful thing in our country.  Especially for women, where economic status of parents matter a lot.  A girl is born and is seen as a debt in advance, a second or third one means lifetime debt for the father and mother.  Somehow they try to push off the girl child out of the house.  Economic situations at home many a time turn girls to elope, thinking that their parents need not have to give dowry to the boy if it is love marriage.  Even such marriages have their share of problems, for which we have laws like 498a, 304b etc.  let us not get into that.  If I were to advice you like any other professional lawyer,

 

I would ask you to file cases under following sections Sec 18, 20, 21, and 23 of PWDVA 2005.

 

What will be the outcome? 

1.  Police protection that you don’t get beaten up (police wont be there to rescue you 24/7, like that court will have to provide a police constable to each house where there is a woman).

2.  Custody of the child. (but can be contested).

3.  Once the matter is in court, the relationship will go for a toss, you wont have husband anymore, and kid wont have father anymore (however cruel the husband might be, however ruthless the father might be)

4.  Newtons third law does apply, opposite party may engage advocate or engage other means to bend you (you know better).

 

 

As someone who has seen matrimonial issues very closely and has helped many to solve problems, what I suggest is,

 

Adjust.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Courts have nothing much to offer when it comes to matrimonial disputes, they just help in doing the curtain call/the honours of ending your relationship.  Counseling which courts offer also are of no great help.  When husband and wife itself don’t want to lead peaceful life, when they themselves don’t want to listen to advice of their elders, what will salaried counselors appointed by govt do?  They will listen to your blah blah blah and advice mostly what your parents did advice, when you did not listen to elders/parents will some advice from third party make any difference?  I say, sometimes it does and the advice must be such that it should penetrate the hearts of the warring couples.  Paid counselors are costly.  Don’t go for it.

 

Each marriage takes time to settle (5-6 years).  There are many good for nothing husbands who are uneducated, who don’t do any jobs outside to earn money but sit at home, looking after kids, helping wife out with household chores, this can be done provided there is perfect understanding between you two.  Sit with your husband and talk.  Do soul talking.  Am sure something good will crop up.

 

You cannot tell I will adjust this much or that much.  There are no exact measures to measure adjustment in leading marital life.  If your aim is to lead marital life, happy or not, you will undergo all what is required.  If you want a father for the kid and social status of being married then you will adjust with this person who is your husband, no matter what.  People do change, and I feel that this marriage needs time, and the man in question also needs time.  Give time, time.  Things surely will change.

 

Or

 

If you are in a hurry, the way it looks you can simply opt for mutual divorce, provided your husband agrees to it, along with all terms of alimony, child custody, shared parenting etc decided before you sign on the dotted line, you can have another husband/new dad for the kid 6 months down the line once divorce decree is issued to you by the Family Court.  Outcome:  Childs life will be spoilt.  Child will not believe in the institution of marriage and end up not trusting people at all while it grows up.  You too will have tough time finding new partner, (if you say you don’t want to remarry, that is a lie, each person needs a companion, remarry or live-in somehow you will need a partner).

 

Finally I say, adjust.  Don’t give up on life, for this is not what you married for, all that love which you married for will go in vain.   Stick on.  Don’t part ways, you have a child.  If there was no child involved, then parting ways could be done easily.  Not now.  If you need counseling you can contact me.

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