|Originally posted by : drathod
Originally posted by : Gyan Prakash
Ramesh Singh, singmonika, kumardoaib, whatnot have given opinions in different shades.
You knew everything. You married. Girls complain that they are not given chance of decision making/taking the lead, here u have it all in your hands, and still there is problem? He beats u? Why? I say it takes two to tango. And this has been happening over a period of time. Is responsibility driving you nuts or is being otherwise is making him at wits end? How did the kid happen? Once you have kid it is a sin to think of parting ways.
Courts don't have much to offer. Be it resumption of marital life or offering anything in terms of child care n custody. However custody will be in mothers hand till 5 yrs. Then father has rights. Never ending legal battle.
U can't undo mistake now. U come way too far to turn back. Many men suffer at hands of irresponsible wives, silently for a lifetime. Why can't you is my question? For other things there are of course useless police n courts which are of no help in matrimonial matters. So it's ur call now.
Thank you so much for the gyan. U say girls have choice and its alll there in her hands. It is all easy to quote in words unless u go through the circumstances and live the life in fear. i will tell u the scenario of me getting married. i belong a lower middle class family. dad is a teacher. mom is a schizophrenia patient. i have a elder sister who had the odacity to deny a proposal of such loafers who used to follow everywhere threatening to accept their proposal. and one fine day she was came and collapsed at home from college with blood flowing by the cuts of knife behind her back. she was in PUC and i was in class 10. dad was so much horrified. just think of a person who has 2 daughters and have to see all this. for him having daughters becomes a sin. somehow we crossed that phase but we both stuck on to continue our studies coz its was crucial for our future living.
afterr this incident comes my husband back then following proposing. when refused cut his hands. created scenes near busstop. sent messages through others in college. so now it was the situation where i tell this at home loose my studies and go to village. or accept his proposal and finish my studies. the thought that tmrw i may be targeted for an acid attack or a knife cutting my back haunted me. why then till today girls are facing the bitter impact of refusing a proposal and being killed in open public with no one to even help just last month in Delhi.
Everywhere they say it takes 2 to tango. but it does not apply for people like him.
few incidents:1) Calls up from an unknwn number talks all nonsense. the calls repeat. i was in office so ignored the calls. it went on till evening. when he called i said there is this number from which a random guy is calling since morning.
His reation: why the hell did u not scold him. why did you keep cutting the calls. is this how u react to people. tmrw u may receive his calls and start talking with him. then u will become frnds.... and it went on.
2) watching tv at night at inlaws place. all of a sudden slapped me so hard that there was blood on walls. the reason he was hungry and i did not serve him food. where he did not even ask a word.
3) baby had fever crying continuosly vomitted. not looking at her and pacifying her he started scolding and yelling becuase the floor carpet was spoilt.
4) feeding the baby in hall. mobile in kitchen. he calls up from shop. i was not able to pick up. comes home and starts beating like an animal.
5) my daughters bday. guests at home. she was crying for a doll and i was pacfying her that after the guests are gone i will give that and till then she had to share. He enters the room hits me black and blue with no reason. all the guests had to catch hold of him.
6) daughter speaks to me while he is watching TV. Yells at her for disturbing and scares the sh*t out of her where she starts pleading that she will not do it again.
these are all silly silly matters where a sensible man would have not reacted this way. and yes there are eye witnesses who had seen all this but unable to help. I do have all the messages which he has sent asking for forgiveness. and a letter which he has signed where he had agreed not to hit me and spend time with my daughter.
Having a baby was his societal pressure as people started to ask him repeatedly for not having a baby. It was not that we were ready for the baby. we had nothing in hand but all debts.
I have tried everything in my hand to makes things better. coz i do not want to regret that i have not tried my best to stay in the relation. compromise in a relation should be from both sides. only if one is trying to sustain will not help. he realises all that he has done is wrong but still continues the same bcoz of his anger. tried convincing him for the counciling also but he denied.
not asking for a divorce is because i do not want my family or my daughter to suffer the after effects of it. secondly i do not want him to give that option of remarrying anyone else and spoiling her life too. and the society is not open for a divorced women as they say. people look at them in a different way. there are many in the society when they come to know the weakness of a women doesnot leave a chance to take advantage. At the end of the day my daughter needs a fatherly figure.
I have my daughters future to look upto. i may compromise which i have done all these years but it shld not be that one day i lose my life and my daughter is left alone to suffer the cruelty. Its better late than never. silence is good for sometime if there is a scope of things getting better. but not for an entire lifetime where there is no hope.
not asking for anything as i have the capability to earn my and my daughters living. not even bothered if 5 lakh loan is not given by him. i can settle it in 3-4 years. i know i cannot undo what has been done. but atleast take preventive measures for things to happen in future.
Though your reply is addressed to Mr Gyan Prakash, I would like to share with you my opinion regarding the problem you have posted here. Though a little bit sarcastic in his reply, I agree with Mr Gyan Prakash’s view.
Marriage is such a painful thing in our country. Especially for women, where economic status of parents matter a lot. A girl is born and is seen as a debt in advance, a second or third one means lifetime debt for the father and mother. Somehow they try to push off the girl child out of the house. Economic situations at home many a time turn girls to elope, thinking that their parents need not have to give dowry to the boy if it is love marriage. Even such marriages have their share of problems, for which we have laws like 498a, 304b etc. let us not get into that. If I were to advice you like any other professional lawyer,
I would ask you to file cases under following sections Sec 18, 20, 21, and 23 of PWDVA 2005.
What will be the outcome?
1. Police protection that you don’t get beaten up (police wont be there to rescue you 24/7, like that court will have to provide a police constable to each house where there is a woman).
2. Custody of the child. (but can be contested).
3. Once the matter is in court, the relationship will go for a toss, you wont have husband anymore, and kid wont have father anymore (however cruel the husband might be, however ruthless the father might be)
4. Newtons third law does apply, opposite party may engage advocate or engage other means to bend you (you know better).
As someone who has seen matrimonial issues very closely and has helped many to solve problems, what I suggest is,
Adjust. Nothing more, nothing less. Courts have nothing much to offer when it comes to matrimonial disputes, they just help in doing the curtain call/the honours of ending your relationship. Counseling which courts offer also are of no great help. When husband and wife itself don’t want to lead peaceful life, when they themselves don’t want to listen to advice of their elders, what will salaried counselors appointed by govt do? They will listen to your blah blah blah and advice mostly what your parents did advice, when you did not listen to elders/parents will some advice from third party make any difference? I say, sometimes it does and the advice must be such that it should penetrate the hearts of the warring couples. Paid counselors are costly. Don’t go for it.
Each marriage takes time to settle (5-6 years). There are many good for nothing husbands who are uneducated, who don’t do any jobs outside to earn money but sit at home, looking after kids, helping wife out with household chores, this can be done provided there is perfect understanding between you two. Sit with your husband and talk. Do soul talking. Am sure something good will crop up.
You cannot tell I will adjust this much or that much. There are no exact measures to measure adjustment in leading marital life. If your aim is to lead marital life, happy or not, you will undergo all what is required. If you want a father for the kid and social status of being married then you will adjust with this person who is your husband, no matter what. People do change, and I feel that this marriage needs time, and the man in question also needs time. Give time, time. Things surely will change.
If you are in a hurry, the way it looks you can simply opt for mutual divorce, provided your husband agrees to it, along with all terms of alimony, child custody, shared parenting etc decided before you sign on the dotted line, you can have another husband/new dad for the kid 6 months down the line once divorce decree is issued to you by the Family Court. Outcome: Childs life will be spoilt. Child will not believe in the institution of marriage and end up not trusting people at all while it grows up. You too will have tough time finding new partner, (if you say you don’t want to remarry, that is a lie, each person needs a companion, remarry or live-in somehow you will need a partner).
Finally I say, adjust. Don’t give up on life, for this is not what you married for, all that love which you married for will go in vain. Stick on. Don’t part ways, you have a child. If there was no child involved, then parting ways could be done easily. Not now. If you need counseling you can contact me.