Mr Sanghavi (NA) 02 July 2014

Wife deserted husband. need advise

Hi Everyone

My Name is Mr Sanghavi (36yrs), Gujarati, Mumbai. I got married on 23rd Jan 2006 (Love Marriage) in Bandra Court. My wife's age is 34yrs, Maharashtrian, Mumbai.

We stay in a joint family in my 2BHK flat. My & my Wife, 2 kids Elder Daughter (7yrs) & younger son (3.5yrs), mother (a senior citizen & a handicap person) and my sister (single).

Wife deserted me on 01st April 2014 and started staying at my in laws place in their 1BHK flat with total of 7 members due to my drinking habits & downfall of my business & also due to small petty issues with my mom & sister which was very old.

There was no mental or physical harassment given to my wife by anyone.

I accepted my mistakes honestly, but she did not.

She left our house without listening to us and also took away my both kids and went to her father's place.

Many of her allegations proved wrong , but she is very adamant in her decision and not willing to understand.

We all made her understand to come back as our Elder's daughter's schooling is in Mira Road and she stays in Kandivli (W) which is 15 kms away, as commuting will be a problem for her & kid. But she did not agree een though its for the Welfare of the Child.

She will only come back along with my kids if i take another house on rent & stay separately.

She also did not took admission of my 3.5 yr old son who is now in Jr Kg which is against the Welfare of the Child.

I haven't given her maintenance since the day she deserted me.

My wife is unemployed Since May or June 2014

She threatens me for dire consequences & can also file false 498A.

I just got a job 2 months back. And with that salary i cannot run 2 houses which i also told her but she does not understand.

My friends also offered his flat to stay till my financial status does not get improved and then we can take a rented flat. But again she denied.

I want my wife back, if not my wife than i want my Both Children's Custody anyhow.

MY THOUGHT PROCESS TO AVOID 498A - To be on safer side I thought i should file NC or FIR against my wife and in laws at my resident police station (MIRA ROAD) and also give the same copy to my wife's resident police station (KANDIVLI) stating that my wife has deserted me, than threatens me and my wife along with in laws can file false 498A.

Indian Laws are very strict if it comes on "Women". Does it means it gives a right to the wife to fleece the husband at her choice? Is there nothing that a husband can do, proactively & lawfully, besides "tail wagging" in front of the wife & in-laws, to safeguard his position and his kid's position (all the legal battles have a huge toll on kids), from a law perspective, and financial perspective (inclusive of judicial expenses)

Kindly advise the right remedy so as i can get my "wife & children back" OR "both child custody" without getting involved in false 498A

& also to teach my wife & my in laws a true lesson by not giving them maintenance as she has deserted me and implies false allegations without any proof.

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6 Replies

Johny (Middle Management Professional) 04 July 2014

Dear Mr. Sanghvi,

I am very sorry for your situation and can completely understand the kind of mental stress that you must be going through. I know how difficult it would be for you manage everything (Wife, Monther, Sister + 2 kids). I went through almost exact similar situation in my life almost at the same age as yours (around 5/6 years back). And I can assure you it was not easy for me with a good job too.

I can only provide certain pointers to come out of this situation as of now:

1. If she has not filed for a divorce or any other legal action - that only means that she is still interested in getting back with you - irrespective of your drinking habit (sorry to say this but this is not a habit which helps many of us).

2. Please (i really plead you in this pointer) do not stop meeting the kids or make them suffer in all this. I am 100% sure that you love your kids and want to continue to take care of them. The only thing that your kids need now is - time with you. Please do this.

3. I am sure your mother and sister are important - but so is your wife too. Just keep the communication channel open between all of them.

4. If you are still drinking and the drinking habit (quantity) has increased - please stop it. I can tell from my expereince that drinking only worsens the situation. Try other healthy habits - like walking or running etc. it really helps more that drinking

5. Since children are involved - please try to take things slowly. Please remember that whatever you do affects 3 people most (wife and kids).

Finally remember in case you eventually get separated - there are three people who suffer the most - Firstly your wife (she is woman) second your kids and finally YOU. All others (her parents, your parents, your/wife sisters/brothers) also suffer but their life will go on as usual but it will be you four people who will suffer the most in the long run.

So whatever you do next please think carefully.

Warm REgards,

Johny

Mr Sanghavi (NA) 04 July 2014

Mr Johny,

Thank you very much for your positive reply. I am also a family oriented person like you. Would like to highlight honestly on my drinking habits, that I started regular drinking only 2/3 yrs back due to heavy loss in my business . This never ever bothered my wife ever till the recent desertion. And i have also drastically reduced drinking since 3 months.I am also in touch with my kids & my wife too. Infact my kids want to meet me and be with me also but my wife mentally harrases me whenever i try to connect with the kids and her. I am putting all my efforts to bring them back, but due to her reasons (renting a flat separately & staying) which is not practically possible for me at this point of time she does not want to come back. She only wants maintainence for the kids. She also picks up a fight whenever i try to talk to her. She and my in laws are just playing with the welfare of our kids & my family. I am now compeled to send her 3 letters (Gap of 15 days after each letter) of convincing her. If she does not get convinced then i will send her RCR notice. This is just for the welfare of my kids & family

Originally posted by : Johny

Dear Mr. Sanghvi,

I am very sorry for your situation and can completely understand the kind of mental stress that you must be going through. I know how difficult it would be for you manage everything (Wife, Monther, Sister + 2 kids). I went through almost exact similar situation in my life almost at the same age as yours (around 5/6 years back). And I can assure you it was not easy for me with a good job too.

I can only provide certain pointers to come out of this situation as of now:

1. If she has not filed for a divorce or any other legal action - that only means that she is still interested in getting back with you - irrespective of your drinking habit (sorry to say this but this is not a habit which helps many of us).

2. Please (i really plead you in this pointer) do not stop meeting the kids or make them suffer in all this. I am 100% sure that you love your kids and want to continue to take care of them. The only thing that your kids need now is - time with you. Please do this.

3. I am sure your mother and sister are important - but so is your wife too. Just keep the communication channel open between all of them.

4. If you are still drinking and the drinking habit (quantity) has increased - please stop it. I can tell from my expereince that drinking only worsens the situation. Try other healthy habits - like walking or running etc. it really helps more that drinking

5. Since children are involved - please try to take things slowly. Please remember that whatever you do affects 3 people most (wife and kids).

Finally remember in case you eventually get separated - there are three people who suffer the most - Firstly your wife (she is woman) second your kids and finally YOU. All others (her parents, your parents, your/wife sisters/brothers) also suffer but their life will go on as usual but it will be you four people who will suffer the most in the long run.

So whatever you do next please think carefully.

Warm REgards,

Johny

Mr Sanghavi (NA) 15 July 2014

Dear All,

Now there is a new development in my problem. Since i have stopped giving maintainence to my wife and kids (Emotionally it is wrong). Now she has told me not to meet our kids. What strong precautions can be taken against the wife for not letting father meet the kids??

Kindly advise

Mr Sanghavi (NA) 04 October 2014

Hi All,

This is to inform you that my Wife has sent me a Legal Letter on 19th Sept 14 through some lawyer which involves all false allegations of DV & dowry as she has left the matirmonial house on 1st April 14 on petty issues with my kids. However my wife also states in the legal notice that she wants to come back and wants to stay with me. We have also replied them through a lawyer that all allegations are untrue & baseless and have asked her to reply or come back within 7 days of the receipt of the notice. But its been 8 days and no1 from their end has contacted us. She is also not allowing my kids to talk to me nor meet me, therefore i have stopped paying her maintainence to my wife and for kids (which is wrong). I am a middle class person, and recently got a job after my business shut down. Just trying to get back on track, but my in laws are just intervening and giving all negative advise to my wife and kids. Can i go to the school to meet my kids, or how can women cell, police, any NGO can be my help to meet my kids. I CANNOT AFFORD to file a RCR or any petition as its very expensive as i am badly into dilemma right now. But i am also strongly believe that my wife & in laws will file a false DV & dowry case against me & my family. How should i avoid that? Kindly advise

(Guest)

Originally posted by : Mr Sanghavi

Hi All,

This is to inform you that my Wife has sent me a Legal Letter on 19th Sept 14 through some lawyer which involves all false allegations of DV & dowry as she has left the matirmonial house on 1st April 14 on petty issues with my kids. However my wife also states in the legal notice that she wants to come back and wants to stay with me.

On the one hand she is accusing you of asking dowry and alleging DV and yet wants to come back to you? This is the problem with each and every female these days. They want to dominate the male in each and every way possible. Accept me back or the false cases will go on and on. Nothing to worry. You contact me through PM, will guide you properly to teach proper lesson to this kind of female.

We have also replied them through a lawyer that all allegations are untrue & baseless and have asked her to reply or come back within 7 days of the receipt of the notice. But its been 8 days and no1 from their end has contacted us.

She is also not allowing my kids to talk to me nor meet me, therefore i have stopped paying her maintainence to my wife and for kids (which is wrong).

.Wrong move. Keep paying alimony its for the kids, not the wife. If warrant issued, you go sit in jail, so keep paying whatever little you can, also file change in cirumstances application at end of each year asking court to readjudicate the alimony which it has ordered.

I am a middle class person, and recently got a job after my business shut down. Just trying to get back on track, but my in laws are just intervening and giving all negative advise to my wife and kids.

.In-laws are the sole people responsible for spoiling of daughter's married life.

Can i go to the school to meet my kids, or how can women cell, police, any NGO can be my help to meet my kids.

.Forget taking help from CAW cell etc, just inform police that you are going to meet the kids at school or at in-laws place and go and meet kids. Nothing wrong in it and in-laws or wife cannot stop you from meeting your kids. One cannot go to police or court each and every time they wont allow you to meet kids, you need to muster up courage, I am not telling take a rod and barge in and hammer whomever you see, but you should know how to go and meet your kids, after all they are your kids, and you have all the right to meet them.

I CANNOT AFFORD to file a RCR or any petition as its very expensive as i am badly into dilemma right now.

.Find a cheap lawyer who takes not more than 300 rs per date, 500 rs to file a case. Search and you will find many. Filing RCR is very easy, wont cost you a fortune. At the most 500 rs. File RCR only if you want to bring the devil back. You cannot act like your wife, on one hand allege that you asked dowry and on the other tell she wants to come back to you.. IF you are filing RCR, you should be ready to accept your wife back with her umpteen number of conditions that she will put, then only you file RCR or else dont file RCR, it will be like commiting suicide.

But i am also strongly believe that my wife & in laws will file a false DV & dowry case against me & my family. How should i avoid that? Kindly advise

.If you are expecting dowry and DV case, then its better to go and fall to their feet, ask them not to file such cases against you. And also apply for anticipatory bail via cheap and best lawyer who will suit your pocket. And adopt a wait and see policy as to what will happen next. In Indian context, there is only this much option. Other options also there, which I will tell only in PM. So Good luck.

(Guest)

As you have a mother who is handicap and also have a sister, its better that you make seperate accomodation for yourself and wife and kids and send a reply stating the same asking her to return to you at the new address.

>>>>>>When she returns to the new accomodation try and record her behaviour on CCTV camera, mobile phone, spy cam. Make necessary arrangement for the same, if wife settles with you without creating a scene, then its well and good. Recording such behaviour will be of use in divorce petition.

Hope you have stopped drinking. That is one main thing which spoils marital life. If you are not able to quit drinking/smoking, its better that wife and kids stay away from you. You just need to pay them monthly maintenance regularly, as;>>>if they file any 498a which actually they cannot in present situation, but can file a DV case against you.>>>>>>>>>Once they do it you will be in some more financial problem.

I read your whole query and discussed your case with my colleagues too, I am of the opinion that, you either make seperate accomodation for wife and kids and move into that new place, or let them stay there wherever they are, keep sending them money legally for maintenance [maintain a passbook for transactions made so that you can show to court when time comes], and you will not have to face any cases.

The dog wont bite you until you keep feeding it. Thats the way you handle a dog [in this case your wife]. You can sit and talk with wife and company regarding meeting the kids every now and then if possible, if they agree, fine. If they wont agree, file custodian and ward case and ask for visitation rights which you will surely get.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>If you are not able to come in terms with what has been explained above, lene ke dene padjayenge aur tum toh bhugtoge hi, saath mein chotte bacche bhi bhugtenge aur unko maa baap par se vishwaas hamesha ke liye utjaayega.>>>>>>>Again......IT will suit you best keeping in mind your habits like drinking etc and your financial position which is not that good, that your wife and kids stay away from you and you keep visiting them as and when you can [keep paying them regular money for maintenance], like that you also so happy, your mother and sister also happy, and you can also enjoy that drink peacefully, as whatever one does, peace of mind is very important.