Pooja (mom) 19 February 2014

Can i avoid divorce ?

Ours is a love marriage of 17 years. My husband left home almost 2 years back and refuses to come back. He seems to be having an affair.

He had been convincing me for divorce by mutual consent before leaving home. But I did not agree to it as I never knew he had any issue with our marriage. We were happily married till then, with excellent relations between both of us. I also have very loving and cordial relations with my in-laws. When I did not agree, he left home and took up a job outside india.

All the judges who met us feel that he has no ground at all for divorce. They tried convincing him to come back but he is adamant. The judge who was doing the mediation for us, tried to convince me to agree for a settlement by listing down my monetary requirements from my husband. He felt that my husband does not want to come back and i should not waste time and money attending court proceedings, as it is of no use. We also have a daughter studying in 5th std and the judge felt that amicably agreeing to separate would be in the best interest of all concerned.

But my problem is that I love him a lot and also his family members. I cannot think of living a life without him. I refused to settle the matter with him and blankly told the judge that "I am not interested in his property or my monetary gains. I just want my husband back".

I am aware that no court can force him to come back to me. But I am have been a very emotional and generous person throughout my life and want to continue to remain so. People are making fun of me for being so foolish. But it is very difficult for me to break my own marriage with just one signature. Hence I am contesting the divorce, because all allegations levelled against me in the divorce petition are false.

I dont know whether i am on the right track. Sometimes I do feel that i am indeed being foolish. But I cant help loving this man. What should i do ?

Request my friends to please guide me from the legal aspect. I dont mind living separate from him lifelong, if that is what he desires. But I want to remain his legally wedded wife till i die. I cant give that right to anybody else.

Is there any possibility that he will be refused divorce, since his allegations are all made up stories by him ?

I am educated but not working for the last few years, as my husband made me leave my job for child-care. He is sending me very little money every month for maintenance.

Please guide.

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(Guest)

Originally posted by : Pooja

Ours is a love marriage of 17 years. My husband left home almost 2 years back and refuses to come back. He seems to be having an affair.

You cannot doubt just on basis of assumptions. Concrete evidence is required to doubt a person.

He had been convincing me for divorce by mutual consent before leaving home. But I did not agree to it as I never knew he had any issue with our marriage. We were happily married till then, with excellent relations between both of us. I also have very loving and cordial relations with my in-laws. When I did not agree, he left home and took up a job outside india.

He began threatening me with legal notices after he left. When my repeated requests to call him back failed, and these legal notices became a harassement for me, i filed for RCR. In reply to RCR, he filed for a divorce petition in family court. We had a series of counselling sessions and mediation with respect to the above 2 cases.

All the judges who met us feel that he has no ground at all for divorce. They tried convincing him to come back but he is adamant. The judge who was doing the mediation for us, tried to convince me to agree for a settlement by listing down my monetary requirements from my husband. He felt that my husband does not want to come back and i should not waste time and money attending court proceedings, as it is of no use. We also have a daughter studying in 5th std and the judge felt that amicably agreeing to separate would be in the best interest of all concerned.

Yes, its better to let go than cling on to a broken branch of the tree. One thing I would like to suggest you lady, time and tide wait for none. He has made up his mind. Its time that you too make up your mind and let go off this person and move ahead in life.

But my problem is that I love him a lot and also his family members. I cannot think of living a life without him. I refused to settle the matter with him and blankly told the judge that "I am not interested in his property or my monetary gains. I just want my husband back".

It takes two to tango. You simply cannot dance alone.

I am aware that no court can force him to come back to me.

You know the answer. Still expecting some miracle to happen?

But I am have been a very emotional and generous person throughout my life and want to continue to remain so. People are making fun of me for being so foolish. But it is very difficult for me to break my own marriage with just one signature. Hence I am contesting the divorce, because all allegations levelled against me in the divorce petition are false.

Contesting divorce is waste of time. You wont get anything, he also wont get anything. Kid will suffer. Both of you will go partially insane.

I dont know whether i am on the right track. Sometimes I do feel that i am indeed being foolish. But I cant help loving this man. What should i do ?

You can love him till the end of your life, nobody can stop you from doing that. Let him be wherever he is and you keep loving him. No worries. But staying together he really does not want.

Request my friends to please guide me from the legal aspect. I dont mind living separate from him lifelong, if that is what he desires. But I want to remain his legally wedded wife till i die. I cant give that right to anybody else.

One thing you can do, do agree to give hiim divorce thats all, let him be wherever he is, your marriage wont break legally, but you both stay away from each other thats all.

Is there any possibility that he will be refused divorce, since his allegations are all made up stories by him ?

Answer lies in your query itself. No court can make him come n sleep beside you, like this no marriage will last on basis of love n affection but will be a marriage just on paper. Finally it settles down only on one thing, is there understanding between both of you, is there love and affection on both sides, if no, no use of such marriage.

I am educated but not working for the last few years, as my husband made me leave my job for child-care. He is sending me very little money every month for maintenance.

Anyway as he is sending little money, eventually one day he will get divorce . Start looking for a job ASAP.
Please guide.

Pooja (mom) 20 February 2014

Thank you so much HELPING HAND for sparing time to reply to my message.

I agree with whatever you have said. But the issue is that I love him too much and cant think of breaking the relationship. Second reason is that I am not at fault and it is difficult to let the person just walk out of the marriage when he feels like, leaving behind not just me but my daughter too.

Ours has been a loving relationship throughout. I have been a good wife and he has been a good husband. Presently he is just acting like this under somebody's influence. I have proof of his affair, but i dont want to bring this issue in court, as it will tarnish his image.

KINDLY GUIDE ME ONLY ON THIS POINT NOW:-

IS THERE ANY PROVISION IN LAW, WHEREIN HIS DIVORCE PETITION GETS REJECTED BECAUSE NO SOLID GROUND FOR DIVORCE ? AND CAN THE JUDGE ORDER US TO STAY SEPARATE WITHOUT A DIVORCE, BECAUSE HE DOES NOT WANT TO STAY WITH ME ?

I AM FINE WITH REMAINING LEGALLY MARRIED JUST ON PAPER...........WHY SHOULD I LIVE WITH A DIVORCEE TAG AND WHY SHOULD MY DAUGHTER BE CALLED A DIVORCEE'S CHILD ? I am happy just with the thought that my husband is alive somewhere in the world and my kid has a father alive.

Please advise on this point.

fighting back (exec) 20 February 2014

@pooja.......whats the use of deceivng your ownself? summing up your total response it seems to me that it is your maritial status in society which overwhelms your claims of love towards your husband so much. what is the use of carrying a dead body ( your marriage) hanging around your neck and deceiving your ownself that you are married, when your biological clock ticks towards the sunset and when lonliness tries to get the better of you, and your child will be left without any one elses support besides you, at that time you will realise that you wasted your time running behind a shadow (your husband)

my sincere advice: you still havent lost time, be practical and not emotional. emotions fade away with passage of time, and when reality sinks in, things start to get difficult. you have to come to terms with the situation and carry on. take a divorce, get married again and live your life to the fullest and enjoy what life has to give you. rest is up to you to decide what is best for yourself,

Pooja (mom) 20 February 2014

Thanks FIGHTING BACK, for such an honest and straighforward reply. I will try to ponder over your suggestions.

Let me try and convince myself for a divorce, so that I can set him free and allow him to get re-married. If I love him, I should be happy for his happiness, isn't it ?

As far as my getting married again is concerned. .....I will never be able to do that. I love him too much and will not be able to give his place to any other man in my life. If ever I agree to divorce him, I will live only for my daughter. She will give me company and I'll be there for her always.

It will also be difficult for me to trust any other man now, after whatever my husband has done to me. If a man can break a relationship of more than 2 decades like this, how can I trust another man now ?

Thanks again for your kind advise. God bless you.

(Guest)

Dear Pooja,

As all the above repliers have already stated the consequences......

My 2 cent on the above is:

1.Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown

2.When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. ~Author Unknown

3.Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown

4.Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll. ~Author Unknown

5.Chasing your loneliness is always better than chasing an adamant person for love -- A Sufferer

Good luck:))

(ESIS)

3 Like

fighting back (exec) 20 February 2014

hi pooja,

as you have replied, please do ponder over your thoughts and think over whatever you have decided for your self, as you have said that I will live only for my daughter. She will give me company and I'll be there for her always.

just being with the daughter is not enough, you should also give her happiness and reason to be happy, if you stay dejected your whole life, weeping over spilt milk ( your marriage) your sadness will start to reflect in your daughter which will tend to change her way of thinking and her happiness. your daughters happiness and future depends on the way you live and stay and control your emotions. so, only living with your daughter and giving company is not enough, living happily with her is more important. remember time is the best healer, and the greatest medicine, you will eventually tide over this emotional breakdown. you need to be strong and take the right decisions......all the best.

fighting back (exec) 20 February 2014

right said sufferer.......nothing more to add........perfect words for the author............

(Guest)

Originally posted by : Pooja

Thank you so much HELPING HAND for sparing time to reply to my message.

I agree with whatever you have said. But the issue is that I love him too much and cant think of breaking the relationship. Second reason is that I am not at fault and it is difficult to let the person just walk out of the marriage when he feels like, leaving behind not just me but my daughter too.

Ours has been a loving relationship throughout. I have been a good wife and he has been a good husband. Presently he is just acting like this under somebody's influence. I have proof of his affair, but i dont want to bring this issue in court, as it will tarnish his image.

KINDLY GUIDE ME ONLY ON THIS POINT NOW:-

IS THERE ANY PROVISION IN LAW, WHEREIN HIS DIVORCE PETITION GETS REJECTED BECAUSE NO SOLID GROUND FOR DIVORCE ?

No such law. Marital binding is only based on love and affection. If your husband proves that he is not being taken care of, he is neglected etc etc, there are many ways to prove such things, but finally all zeroes down to only one thing, are the couple comptible as such. Even if your husband does not prove to court that all wrong is yours, its his wish as to stay with you or not, or elsewhere. And if he wishes to stay elsewhere, you can always file a complaint of bigamy as such, provided your husband is not a muslim.

AND CAN THE JUDGE ORDER US TO STAY SEPARATE WITHOUT A DIVORCE, BECAUSE HE DOES NOT WANT TO STAY WITH ME ?

Judge u/s 23 of DV act can pass orders for husband to take wife back, provide her shelter etc, but that too has a catch, if husband dont want to take wife back, its as good as a gone case and waste of time. Other than that, no court can order anything of what you are speaking of, making you both stay together or making you both stay apart without being divorced.

I AM FINE WITH REMAINING LEGALLY MARRIED JUST ON PAPER...........WHY SHOULD I LIVE WITH A DIVORCEE TAG AND WHY SHOULD MY DAUGHTER BE CALLED A DIVORCEE'S CHILD ? I am happy just with the thought that my husband is alive somewhere in the world and my kid has a father alive.

Beg, plead, fall to his feet, I would rather say seeing the undying love you have for your husband, lick his bathroom slippers and tell him that I wont bother you, just dont divorce me, just let me be your wife, you do what you want, Period. He says okay, and you stick to your words, nothing like it. OR else the horse will run until it has ground to run.

Please advise on this point.

(Guest)

@ Pooja,,,,

I went through entire thread of gentle man advised here. I think you should talk to him / meet him personally. Its 17 yrs life long relation, it can not be breached life that. If this is how marriages are broken because now he / she doesn't have interest, people will start loosing their faith / trust in marriage institution. May be he is fascinated towards some glamerous lady in corporate world, you can also re-jouvanite the same attraction by all means you know. Divorce is black spot in one's life. You should fight, with brain. Only one sentence I would say, it is you should have that in you that attracts opposite party, its all about to win, not to beg.

Sorry gentle men, but marriage is a beautiful relation, it must not be broken like this. It not only breaks someone's heart, but also ruins the mood / charm to live life happily. It's about to give, not to take all the time.

Kapil Gupta (Advocate) 21 February 2014

Dear friend, you should think of you as well as your children by using your mind. If your hubby is not willing to live with you anymore, you should leave him by taking the maximum benefit for you and you children. Because if you refuse to take anything now and in future you get indigent or unable to bear the expenses, what will you do? You should take the maximum monetary gain so that the future of your children be secure. You are eligible to get the maintenance u/s 125 CrPC.

Foranymore help, you can contact me on my e-mail id or my mobile.

KAPIL GUPTA ADVOCATE

Pooja (mom) 28 February 2014

Thanks friends for all the genuine suggestions and kind words.

This forum and all its members, who are ready to help each other so selflessly, are a big help during the time of despair we all are going through. Legal issues, court hassles are indeed so tiring and stressful. At such times, every suggestion counts and helps in its own way.

Thanks again. God bless you all.

Saurav (Engineer) 15 March 2014

Dear Pooja,

I truly sympathize with you. I dont know how can someone call off a 15 year old marriage just like that?. Now that you have evidence that he is involved in adultery you say that you still love him?. That is not love my dear lady. Love is between 2 faithful people not between a cheater and a submissive person. That is called as Attachment and in love there is no attachment.