(Guest)

Is this mental trauma? its a long query. sorry!

Hello, I m in a dilemma. I got married in dec 2009. However, my husband initially avoided getting our marriage registered and then said that he does not want to get it registered...Now he wants to separate. I am stuck. I got married in a Hindu ceremony in front of 500+ people and have pictures of it too, But my husband kept putting off registration all this time and then when I asked him to specifically get it registered- he said he didn't intend to. Does this amount to fraud on his part? I DID get a form from Bandra court. He still didn't register it. 2. My father paid for the whole ceremony. Ideally both parties pay 50:50. Never mind that. But, once we were married, my husband and I didn't go anywhere for our honeymoon. I was okie with that too. His parents took most of the money gifted to us at the wedding (saying that since they gave in the wedding of those they invited, they should get what's given to us by the ones invited by them). No problem even then. But then they started saying that my father didn't give me any gold. I even heard his parents telling people that I was from a roadside family. 3. His mum is cleanliness obsessed, She cleans even after the bai has cleaned and left. When I shifted there, she expected me to do the same... And when I didn't wash utensils at 3 am in the night after entertaining guests, she would start grumbling and doing it herself but banging the utensils so my husband used to shout at me about why I don't help her out. I still didn't say anything. I am not the tidiest person in the world but if I have just one day to rest between trips or if I am in pain, I won't clean. 4. At dinner his father got drunk and started to embarrass a guest in front of the guest's 12-13 year old daughter. No one said anything to seriously stop him. I am from a family where we give respect to elders but we also know that they're human and make mistakes. We point it out gently and the elders listen too. So, to avoid trauma to the little girl I just mentioned that 'lets not please do this at dinner'. I said it wioth respect and calmly. His father started screaming at me. since then they have blamed me for speaking up and insulting his father. I was trying to avoid that child from watching her father be insulted. Still, I was quiet. My husband tried talking for me(the first and last time), he was told "jaa jaa, ab apni biwi ki side le". He hasn't apoken up for me since. 5. Whenever I cooked, they said the food was 'wrong' or 'bitter'. sometimes I peeled the ginger wrong or did the household chores not as well as they wanted me too... I started to show frustration but only to my husband behind closed doors. 6. Knowing my personality and that I am not taught the things a mum should teach a daughter(i lost my mum at 1 yrs age), I knew that there may be conflict with my in-laws. So before marriage I had implored my husband that we should stay separate. so there would be cordial relations as well as peace in the family. He said yes, but didn't follow through after marriage. 7. One day I asked his father to hold off from screaming at me because there were neighbours in front of me. He got so angry and his ego was so hurt that he asked us to leave house while his mum was in the US. 8. NOW THE MORE SERIOUS STUFF BEGINS: I had a job before marriage as a PR person. I had been working for 10 years. I wanted to enjoy my married life a bit. But a month into my marriage my husband started to insult me for not having a job. I was working on starting my own business but it took longer than expected. so I gave up the business idea and started searching for a job- but that wasn't enough- I needed to find a job which would allow me to have enough energy to come back home and cook and clean and feed everyone and at the same time earn a lot. Tailor made jobs are difficult to find and PR isn't appropriate for that situation. 9. The insult on not having a job grew to other insults: I am very very dumb, I cannot have a conversation with his friends so I do not know how to talk. I leave the lights on , on purpose, I purposely left his father's underwear unwashed but washed all the clothes. I just didn't seem to make anybody happy or do anything right. My husband started to shout at me for the smallest things. It made me nervous. SO I SHUT MYSELF IN THE ROOM THE WHOLE DAY THINKING I'D RATHER STAY AWAY FROM THEM SINCE I MAKE THEM UNCOMFORTABLE. His parents and my husband saw it as some kind of malicious ploy to ignore all of them. They didn't once think that maybe it is because I was cornered and all alone. I tried talking- it didn't work. after 2 years i am still explanaing myself. he still holds me responsible for him moving away from his family 10. He started witholding s*x from me . I don't even know what my husband's hugs feel like. His maasi calls up and interferes in out business and he listens. 11. I got a travelling job which I joined after asking my husband. If I worked more I earned more. With a good company for good money. I thought at least now everyone will be happy and proud of me. But now they said that I never attend any functions or get-togethers ..How can I . I was working. I cannot take leaves for dinners and card playing nights? So I lost my job . and now when I have made sure that I am free to attend everything. they don't invite me for anything. They've just ignored me. even my husband goes to my in-laws place alone. 12. I have tried reasoning with my husband. I said when I started my job, that we can save my salary and all he needs to do is pay my phone bill since my company pays for my food, travel and stay. He refused. He also didn't give anything for household expenses. I thought alright, If it keeps the peace, I will spend on the house myself, as long as he saves up. at least one of us does. Now I have no money, and a bad marriage. Nothing to show for my hard work. 13. He goes out with friends, I stay home alone. I clean , cook. I have been ill and made sure I cooked for him. I have been vomitting all night and he didn't bother. 14. We haven't been out anywhere. except on our first anniversary he took me to Lonavla and the one day we were there, he didn't speak with me. 15. He's told me that he doesn't want to be married to me, when i try to leave he didn't let me. He said he doesn't want to be married because he does not feel cool anymore. Or because he wants a thinner wife. He called me desperate, and worthless. He's said I'm not worth his time. 16. I don't know whats going on with my husband in his life . so the only way I cantry to find out is through his friends or through his phone. But even for that he's shut me out. tells me that I suspect him of having an affair. I don't . I just wanted to know my husband. How else will I know what his life is like now. I thought if he does not listen to me, he will listen to his friends. So I took some of them in confidence, thinking they might help me and and speak to him about marriage and his responsibilities towards it. Instead, they all told him that I complained to them about him. ven my family midiated. Didn't work. His family clearly wants me out. They have made him feel that he has to choose between them and me. But thats wrong. 17. Now he keeps running back to his parent's home, asking me for separation. If he comes here, he doesn't talk to me or touch me. I have tried talking to him. My frustration has increased to such a level that I have sometimes thrown things around as well. but never to hurt him. I just want to be heard. He trusts everyone else but mistrusts my intentions. He's rude and hurtfull all the time. 18.I HAVE BEEN LOCKED UP IN THE HOUSE ALONE UNDER SEVERE DEPRESSION FOR ABOUT A MONTH. I'm afraid I won't be able to survive this. 19. I have been hospitalised with panic attacks, because of this. I am developing several stress related health complications because of this. 20. Do I even have a case here. CAN I ASK THE LAW TO MANDATE COUNSELLING FOR BOTH OF US, IF HE ASKS FOR SEPARATION?. I DON'T WANT MY MARRIAGE TO END, I JUST WANT MY HUSBAND BACK. THE PERSON I FELL IN LOVE WITH, BUT IF I HAVE TO RESORT TO LEGAL HELP, I WILL DO THAT TOO. PLEASE ADVICE. NOTE: MY FATHER IS A LAWYER BUT I DON'T ASK HIM THIS BECAUSE HE GETS OVERCOME BY EMOTION. I don't want them to just pay money and get rid of me. I am one whole person. Not a use and throw paper cup. A lso, please is there someplace where I can get marriage counselling? I have very little money but my marriage is precious to me. I am just keeping my head above water. I feel like I am sinking fast.

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2 Replies

(Guest)

I am re-posting this because there is no way of deleting the previous post. I've made this easier to read.

Hello,

I m in a dilemma. I got married in dec 2009. However, my husband initially avoided getting our marriage registered and then said that he does not want to get it registered...Now he wants to separate. I am stuck. I got married in a Hindu ceremony in front of 500+ people and have pictures of it too, But my husband kept putting off registration all this time and then when I asked him to specifically get it registered- he said he didn't intend to. Does this amount to fraud on his part? I DID get a form from Bandra court. He still didn't register it.

2. My father paid for the whole ceremony. Ideally both parties pay 50:50. Never mind that. But, once we were married, my husband and I didn't go anywhere for our honeymoon. I was okie with that too. His parents took most of the money gifted to us at the wedding (saying that since they gave in the wedding of those they invited, they should get what's given to us by the ones invited by them). No problem even then. But then they started saying that my father didn't give me any gold. I even heard his parents telling people that I was from a roadside family.

3. His mum is cleanliness obsessed, She cleans even after the bai has cleaned and left. When I shifted there, she expected me to do the same... And when I didn't wash utensils at 3 am in the night after entertaining guests, she would start grumbling and doing it herself but banging the utensils so my husband used to shout at me about why I don't help her out. I still didn't say anything. I am not the tidiest person in the world but if I have just one day to rest between trips or if I am in pain, I won't clean.

4. At dinner his father got drunk and started to embarrass a guest in front of the guest's 12-13 year old daughter. No one said anything to seriously stop him. I am from a family where we give respect to elders but we also know that they're human and make mistakes. We point it out gently and the elders listen too. So, to avoid trauma to the little girl I just mentioned that 'lets not please do this at dinner'. I said it wioth respect and calmly. His father started screaming at me. since then they have blamed me for speaking up and insulting his father. I was trying to avoid that child from watching her father be insulted. Still, I was quiet. My husband tried talking for me(the first and last time), he was told "jaa jaa, ab apni biwi ki side le". He hasn't apoken up for me since.

5. Whenever I cooked, they said the food was 'wrong' or 'bitter'. sometimes I peeled the ginger wrong or did the household chores not as well as they wanted me too... I started to show frustration but only to my husband behind closed doors.

6. Knowing my personality and that I am not taught the things a mum should teach a daughter(i lost my mum at 1 yrs age), I knew that there may be conflict with my in-laws. So before marriage I had implored my husband that we should stay separate. so there would be cordial relations as well as peace in the family. He said yes, but didn't follow through after marriage.

7. One day I asked his father to hold off from screaming at me because there were neighbours in front of me. He got so angry and his ego was so hurt that he asked us to leave house while his mum was in the US.

8. NOW THE MORE SERIOUS STUFF BEGINS: I had a job before marriage as a PR person. I had been working for 10 years. I wanted to enjoy my married life a bit. But a month into my marriage my husband started to insult me for not having a job. I was working on starting my own business but it took longer than expected. so I gave up the business idea and started searching for a job- but that wasn't enough- I needed to find a job which would allow me to have enough energy to come back home and cook and clean and feed everyone and at the same time earn a lot. Tailor made jobs are difficult to find and PR isn't appropriate for that situation.

9. The insult on not having a job grew to other insults: I am very very dumb, I cannot have a conversation with his friends so I do not know how to talk. I leave the lights on , on purpose, I purposely left his father's underwear unwashed but washed all the clothes. I just didn't seem to make anybody happy or do anything right. My husband started to shout at me for the smallest things. It made me nervous. SO I SHUT MYSELF IN THE ROOM THE WHOLE DAY THINKING I'D RATHER STAY AWAY FROM THEM SINCE I MAKE THEM UNCOMFORTABLE. His parents and my husband saw it as some kind of malicious ploy to ignore all of them. They didn't once think that maybe it is because I was cornered and all alone. I tried talking- it didn't work. after 2 years i am still explanaing myself. he still holds me responsible for him moving away from his family

10. He started witholding s*x from me . I don't even know what my husband's hugs feel like.

11. His maasi calls up and interferes in our business and he listens. I got a travelling job which I joined after asking my husband. If I worked more I earned more. With a good company for good money. I thought at least now everyone will be happy and proud of me. But now they said that I never attend any functions or get-togethers ..How can I . I was working. I cannot take leaves for dinners and card playing nights? So I lost my job . and now when I have made sure that I am free to attend everything. they don't invite me for anything. They've just ignored me. even my husband goes to my in-laws place alone.

12. I have tried reasoning with my husband. I said when I started my job, that we can save my salary and all he needs to do is pay my phone bill since my company pays for my food, travel and stay. He refused. He also didn't give anything for household expenses. I thought alright, If it keeps the peace, I will spend on the house myself, as long as he saves up. at least one of us does. Now I have no money, and a bad marriage. Nothing to show for my hard work.

13. He goes out with friends, I stay home alone. I clean , cook. I have been ill and made sure I cooked for him. I have been vomitting all night and he didn't bother.

14. We haven't been out anywhere. except on our first anniversary he took me to Lonavla and the one day we were there, he didn't speak with me.

15. He's told me that he doesn't want to be married to me, when i try to leave he didn't let me. He said he doesn't want to be married because he does not feel cool anymore. Or because he wants a thinner wife. He called me desperate, and worthless. He's said I'm not worth his time.

16. I don't know whats going on with my husband in his life . so the only way I cantry to find out is through his friends or through his phone. But even for that he's shut me out. tells me that I suspect him of having an affair. I don't . I just wanted to know my husband. How else will I know what his life is like now. I thought if he does not listen to me, he will listen to his friends. So I took some of them in confidence, thinking they might help me and and speak to him about marriage and his responsibilities towards it. Instead, they all told him that I complained to them about him. ven my family midiated. Didn't work. His family clearly wants me out. They have made him feel that he has to choose between them and me. But thats wrong.

17. Now he keeps running back to his parent's home, asking me for separation. If he comes here, he doesn't talk to me or touch me. I have tried talking to him. My frustration has increased to such a level that I have sometimes thrown things around as well. but never to hurt him. I just want to be heard. He trusts everyone else but mistrusts my intentions. He's rude and hurtfull all the time.

18.I HAVE BEEN LOCKED UP IN THE HOUSE ALONE UNDER SEVERE DEPRESSION FOR ABOUT A MONTH. I'm afraid I won't be able to survive this.

19. I have been hospitalised with panic attacks, because of this. I am developing several stress related health complications because of this.

20. Do I even have a case here. CAN I ASK THE LAW TO MANDATE COUNSELLING FOR BOTH OF US, IF HE ASKS FOR SEPARATION?. I DON'T WANT MY MARRIAGE TO END, I JUST WANT MY HUSBAND BACK. THE PERSON I FELL IN LOVE WITH, BUT IF I HAVE TO RESORT TO LEGAL HELP, I WILL DO THAT TOO. PLEASE ADVICE.

I don't want them to just pay money and get rid of me. I am one whole person. Not a use and throw paper cup. Also, please is there someplace where I can get marriage counselling? I have very little money but my marriage is precious to me. I am just keeping my head above water. I feel like I am sinking fast.

(Guest)

I posted it multiple times because I had some trouble with the mouse. I wanted to click on something else, but it clicked on another thing altogether. Anyway. its just technicality. I had written to the forum admin explaining this.

Now once my systen is fixed I am unable to delete it.

ANYWAY please excuse me for this

And Roshni- GET OFF MY BACK. Or I will have to report abuse by you. If you are so bothered by it. DON'T READ IT!!! What you are doing here is plain harrassment. Take this as a warning. The internet isn't as anonymous as you think it is!!