How to get a peaceful divorce?

Originally posted by : Gopal Arora
	@Nithya Some specifc comments to what you wrote Regarding proofs, i still dont know whether it would be right to hire a detective and proceed collecting evidences. Court needs evidences or eye witnesses to confirm the allegations on accused.  He had been pretty much open on his closeness with other females, will my statements not be enough? If he openly claims his assocation with females, then why not record his voice to produce it in court? Does he claim adultery or just friendship? If i try to collect evidences and prove it in court, will it not affect the females?, i am not sure whether he will marry anyone. Once you have proofs, your husband will come forward for out of court settlement to avoid conviction. How will it affect those females? They have to decide whether they are doing it right or wrong and should know the implications of their action. You have to prove adultery of husband only. If you make any allegations without proofs then then it can go against you. @Helping Hand ! If there are any problems wrt your divorce proceedings, I would be more than happy to guide you, as to how to get divorce from a husband who is not willing to let you go. Please PM me your method of getting divorce. My wife is not willing to give divorce.

WRT obtaining divorce For a guy different procedure.  For a girl different procedure. 

Finally, filing the divorce!

On grounds of mental cruelty and irretrivable breakdown of marriage.

As per my advocate, if my Ex does not appear to court, it might be considered for Exparte divorce. If contested it depends.

I have few doubts. Can anyone clear these please.

Situation 1:

Ex does not appear to court. And exparte divorce is awarded after a year or so at family court.  In that situation, will i be eligible to remarry? Or should i proceed to high court also and obtain the decree again?

Situation 2:

If it is contested, how will i be attacked????!!! On what aspects i have to be ready to face the situation???

Since you are living separate for more than 6 years you can not file 498a, DV Case.

Irretrievable breakdown of marriage is not yet a ground of divorce under HMA.There is no legal remedy available for you as he alone could not have taken the relations to such a low. You wrote"Emotionally also separated, because it was my choice to get rid of ties with him and take up a job" In the sacred bond called marriage it can not and should not be the choice of one person to break ties. You have only one option which is to pay him sufficient amount for settlement for MCD. regards ASHOK

I have asked for mutual consent divorce twice. Each time he came up with different things.  One time he asked to leave the kids with him. (He has never taken care of them even a single day all alone till now. Even when kids go to native to meet him, they will be left to some relatives home.)

Second time, he told he wants to talk to my parents.  That is not possible because he had never maintained a cordial relation with my parents.  Not a cordial relation, he has always been of abusive nature and never respected them as in-laws.

The choice of taking up the job was mine, as i was abused very often in front of the staff working under me.  He used to abuse, just to show off that his is bossy, and to prove everyone that wife has to be under husband!!!  There were many instances of this kind of situation.

How to live with such a kind of person??

Even now he does not want to agree for mutual consent divorce just because his ego will be hurt.  He has neither called us back nor agreed to live with us.  He just wants a married tag for social status. 

I such a situation, is there any option left?

On what basis, should i pay and get a mutual consent divorce? Is it really possible?

Nitya,

I was going through your post and really appreciating the way you lived your life so far (based on your principles). You've proved yourself against all the odds and succeed in your life to become the "one".

 

One thing, I was thinking while going through the various posts is the reason for marriage. I could not able to resist myself from letting you about the incident which really changed my mentality about being just "being right/wrong" versus taking care of family. I had seen this case in district court where this little 5 years old kid was brought (by mother for evidence) into the court, who has been gone through so much trauma of parenthood that she had became mentally ill. Sad to say that her mother and father never agreed to give-up on their egos and even after seeing their only kid's illness, they were just trying to justify themselves. Sometime we forget that it takes two hands to clap. Her parents were really ready to sacrifice their own kid in the name of being "single righteous parent"! I still remember the decision of honorable judge which clearly said...

 

"Sautali maa to shri ram ki bhi apni nahin hui"

 

To husband --- "Agar dusari shaadi karke sautali maa lekar bhi aaoyge to kya surity hai ki wo issko apnayegee"

 

To wife --- "Try to settle down the things without ruining her life (not just childhood)..."

 

I was so much thankful to my wife that day (first time) for suing me under false 498a case and showing me the phase of life where I can understand that neither I will become a father like him (who will sacrifice his own kid in the name of being "right/wrong") nor I will bring any mother for my kid who will sacrifice her kid for any reasons.

 

Bottom line what I was trying to say here is that your daughters would be going through the same trauma and somewhere would be learning or would have learnt the same wrong lessons from the life. Their psychology would have changed to the extended that marriage would not be a purest relationship for them now and in future they would be planning to either go for any relationship except marriage. Just think for a minute about the psychological impact on a kid for being called a "divorcee" kids or "single parents" kids.

 

Just put yourself in the position of your daughters and feel how socially "you (daughters)" will be sympathized for being daughters of a single parent. I am fully aware about that fact that in US, there is a concept of single parent and kids never feel shy when they are called, single parent kid. In India, we are NOT socially grown so much to give the "social" equality to an adopted kid versus normal kid.

 

I think you are somewhere around 35-36 and your daughters would be around 12 and 10 years old. It is just 10-12 years left for you to see the marriage of your elder daughter. I don't want to discourage you but I thought, you said that the reason for taking divorce is NOT to have a big impact on kid's psychology. I truly feel that when these kids will grow older, they will start asking for mom and "dad" as well. I am not too sure if it has been feed into their mind that their dad is a womanizer and he is good for nothing or vice-versa. Personally I am not asking for you to NOT to ask for divorce if you have already seen an understanding groom for yourself but if you haven't seen a groom for yourself and really not sure what you are going to do in future after divorce then I would say, it would be a lot better for your elder daughter on her wedding to have two of you giving blessing to her than only one. You can't do Kanyadaan alone. You've so many things which you would not be able to do it alone. At least, if you are conceptually not clear what you are going to do in near future (after divorce) then take some time to think about it and then go for it.

 

You have been through many odds in your marital life and now want to put your life on the track and you do have every right to put your life on track but I hope you are not going to do this at the cost of your daughter's future!

 

Also, I am really sorry to hear about your mother-in-law.  Whatever you've said about her in your post for that reason I respect her (MIL) from bottom of my heart. She had done everything to bring an undivided home for her kids. To do this, she had scarified herself which is not so easy for an ordinary woman. You mother-in-law had chosen a path of sacrifice and responsibility which makes a woman a real Goddess. God bless her soul, RIP. I feel that comparing yourself with your mother would be comparing between apples with mangos.

 

Have a good life... God bless you.

 

Mango

Thankyou Mango,

For your concern. I do understand everything you say. I posted my situation to get legal opinion, but i will explain the emotional hurts i have undergone.

I too have respect for my MIL, but i dont want to follow her footsteps and show that is the right path. In future, In case my daughters also face a similar situation, then they also will be forced or feel right to follow the same.

When a man treats his secretaries as important and asks the family to budge, it is surely wrong.  (May or may not he has affair).  Imagine living such a kind of life, in which all the decisions will be taken by the man and his secretaries, and wife being a dumb. Male chauvinists treat their wives as dumbs, but how come they are able to treat their secretaries as angels.  I lived such a life for almost 4 years.  

It was so painful and after that i used my education as a tool to come out of that place.  But even then his male ego did not permit me to take up a job, he wanted me to do a business for my living.  After some initial protests, i did take care of business only.  But even here, he started insulting me in front of all my staff. I gradually lost all the self-respect.  That's why i boldly took up a job after completing my PhD.

Now, let me tell you how it impacts my kids ......

During my phase of life, either in joint family or during business life, i hardly have spent my days without crying.  I became weak, but i did try my best not to show that to my daughter. I hardly had any time to spend with my daughters during the business phase.  And there were situations when he used to show his bossy character on his own kids just because they are female kids. Kids also do not like it.

Now, after i took up the job, i spend a lot of time with them.  My daughters cherish me for what i am today. In one incident, when one of my colleague tried to commit suicide after her husband ditched her, my daughter told, 'mom, can she learn from you, and live alone boldly, why shoud she try to attempt suicide'.  That kind of understanding is there in them.

They understand me fully. I am happy as a person.  I have taught them not to bow to people when they insult us.  

It was my elder daughter who told me ... 'mummy its your life, you please proceed for divorce'. 

About taking care of my daughters and their kanyadhan, dont you think i will be extra careful in choosing a groom for them?  Only the formalities i have to do alone, even for that i have my parents to do that in case i will not be able to do alone, but choosing the right groom, teaching her how to live her life in the right way, etc., i can do,

I decided to take a divorce only after thinking all these .... whether i will be able to live my life or not, i dont know, but i will never let my daughters face similar situation in their lives.  I am already a single mother for the last 6 years. It is better than a situation where mother and father lives together in abusive relationship, dayin and dayout.

Thanks for explaining it and glad to hear that your daughters have a good understanding about the tremor of this relation. I agree with you that it's absolutely wrong to bully/insult someone (husband/wife) in the presence of others.  I have personally seen this in couple of places and even offices too so I can understand what you are saying. First male disorder is Indian society is "ego" followed by dominance.  Existences of these kinds of disorder are obvious in Indian society as we have NEVER seen so many women fighters in Indian history except one or two. Women were being treated as "object" by kings and we still have some males in society which follows the same protocol.

 

On the contrary side, I am little surprised after reading "May or may not he has affair" line.  I still remember this event, when one fine day my wife came home restlessly and said she wanted to tell me something very "important". I was little scared and said okay. She talked about an incident while she was going through the public transport. She saw a man parked his scooter at the sideway and slapped his woman twice on some arguments. While logically concluding this story, she said you are mad like him! I was little surprised from her conclusion but replied to my wife neither I have a scooter nor I know driving so I can NOT be like him. Out of my curiosity, I researched on internet to know why she'd blamed me when concluding the story and come to know about a kind of mentality, where people perceive the outside events as self-recipient when they see anything bad happening/happened to someone and they can't do anything about it. They starts picking-up those things. Probably that's the main reason why one of Bapu's monkeys says "Not to see anything bad".

 

I can sense the same self-recipient mentality when you say that your husband is male chauvinist but could not able to relate if he "really" has any relationship with his secretaries. It could be just an outside chemical reaction (as your father-in-law was a male chauvinist) which could have persuaded you through-out the life. I am not saying that what has happened to you has NOT happened but not too sure about the depth of this issue.

 

I was expecting that I would hear the words like

a.  "female kids" versus "his own kids",
b. "Kids also do not like it" versus "ought to be a caring father" and
c. "bossy character" versus "NOT understanding child psychology and behavior". 

A man who has been born and brought-up in a family where woman is being treated like an "object" this is quite obvious to come-out from that.

 

To answer you last and most important question – "dont you think i will be extra careful in choosing a groom for them? ". Never in my dreams, I would think to challenge (question) a woman on any grounds especially when a women is as strong as you are.  It was purely an "opinion" after seeing what's happening with you. My post was to just explain my opinion on the subject.  I know that you will do everything alone without any need of moral, emotional, financial and social support from anyone. I know difference between "Godmother" and "mother" is just willingness to do the things!

 

Good to know that you have considered all the factors before you've decided and even your little daughter is familiar with word "divorce". So, I hope everything goes well with you.

 

My previous posts were just my understanding on this discussion. Personally, I don't want to challenge or question you/anyone through any means. Neither I was playing a devil's advocate role here nor do I have any intentions to do that. Thanks!

 

Mango

Thankyou Mango for the long mail explaining things in different perspective.  I really feel happy that i am getting a male perspective for my situation.

As you said, India is a male dominated society, but it has changed a Lot now.  I see many men who treat females as equal work counterparts.  Even as partners, they respect their views, discuss everything with their wives etc. (I am seeing many of my colleagues, who are good in this aspect, i know them as a family). Even my father has never shown any abnormal dominated character towards my mother.

But my case was entirely different from day one. In the joint family, all the females were expected only to cook, and do domestic chores, though they were educated. That is fine, its our duty to take care of our family.  But for me what was not acceptable was his affinity towards his secretaries.  Initially i did not have anything to do with that, but as a wife i did not like it when he invited his secretaries for all the family functions and outings.  He even wanted one of them during our first private trip to honeymoon! Even our daughter's name was chosen based on idea of one of the secretary .... the list goes on.

'May or may not he has affair' - i told since i am not filing adultery case against him, 'cause for producing proof i have to do the jugglery, which i did not want to do.

Thanks for correcting ... it has to be 'his own kids' rather than 'female kids' but my emphasis here was that if it had been a male kid, the treatment is different.

Thanks for understanding that am emotionally strong.

Peaceful divorce does depend on your understandment of what peace is.

Trust me, divorce itself is not a peaceful thing.

 

Now that you have finally filed divorce petition, let peace be upon you.

Yes Helping Hand,

I do understand that divorce is not peacful.

I would like to know from you whether contesting is better or exparte divorce is better?

Originally posted by : Nithya
	Yes Helping Hand, I do understand that divorce is not peacful. I would like to know from you whether contesting is better or exparte divorce is better?

There is a saying:  Crying baby gets milk first.

Now its for you to decide whether you want milk or not [read divorce]

If yes.

Go for ex-parte orders for divorce.

If you are really strong, alive and kicking, ready to roam about court halls, spend lot of money on lawyers.. then go for contested divorce, that too if the other party contests the divorce petition.

It does appear that inspite of all these 5 page discussions, and observations by LCI members, you are not in a state which could be called as YOU HAVE ARRIVED AT A DECISION.. fact is you have not arrived at a decision even now.

Sad.

First arrive at a decision as to what way you want to proceed. Or else you will only keep filliing pages of questions which people find amusing and reply too.

Nitya,

 

Little surprised to hear about your husband. Well, it's a typical case of rich spoiled guy. This guy does not know how his secretaries are "ruining" his home and business. He will realize this on his late 50s when he would not able to get-up from bed and he won't see any companion around. I seriously felt sorry for this guy who has lost a permanent wife to just enjoy a phase of life with secretaries. Earlier, I could not able to think that much low. I didn't imagine that a married guy could be that much brainless. May be I am outdated piece now so could not imagine about that much fast progressing world.

 

A man who is blind enough to differentiate between social gathering and personal gathering would definitely do these kinds of mistake i.e. put the name based on his secretaries' suggestions. Well, few people are able to balance their family&business and others are just able to manage their businesses by sacrificing their family. It's a typical case of unmanageable work-life balance. Money brings neither prosperity nor health and this guy is totally into the money. I wish he wake-up soon and admit all his bad deeds.

 

To answer your last question – "India is a MALE dominating society, but it has changed a lot now"...  In my very "personal" prospective - India is male dominating society and I am happy to be part of this society. I have only "grief" that it's changing now (call me hypocrite for that) but if Indian society has to grow either male or female has to show their dominance. "Right" dominance is the basic quality of leadership and hope you are fully aware about the fact that leadership is required to drive anything successful i.e. home or work. I don't have any problem if India becomes a female dominating country but with population ratio of 933:1000 and on the top of that, work ratio less than 62%, we cannot practically flip these sides. Word "dominance" is wrongly used and abused by people like male chauvinist, womanizer and women's NGO commonly. Reason for abusing and misusing it to bring an inconsistency in Indian culture and thus grow more business out of it!

 

For example, if a house is on fire and three people are trapped in this house i.e. husband, wife and kid. Whom you would expect more to rescue the family? One of them has to show their leadership skills (essentially dominance) to rescue everyone at the right time. If I put the same question to you, you would probably (not wholeheartedly) but go with your husband on his decision.

 

It's very important to understand the things from right prospective. We often misguided by women NGOs that it's a "male dominating society" whereas they are not sure about the actual meaning of word "dominance". Dominance word itself (as per oxford dictionary) says, "having power and influence over others". If a house is on fire someone has to show his/her power and influence to rescue everyone.  At this situation, quite obviously, goat is "husband" because of various reasons which are not obvious when it comes to normal life! It becomes eternal duty of a husband to save family.

 

I am proud as well as unfortunate to be part of "male dominating society" as it's a two-sided sword which first asks to do risk business (save family) and later kills the prospective by giving a bad name (male dominating).

 

I would like refrain writing more on this subject "male dominating society" as it's quite a debatable. Everyone has their own viewpoint on this subject and so do I.

 

All the best for your future endeavors....

 

Mango

Go for ex-parte divorce,there is some procedure about advertising in newspapers.There is a recent post by @Tajobs about ex-parte divorce on another thread.Check it out.

Or even better,go for mutual divorce.

There is nothing like ex-parte divorce. Its called ex-parte orders if the respondent spouse doesn't file defence and the divorce is granted in favor of the apellant.

Divorce obtained as ex-parte is not safe.

In what way exparte orders of divorce is not safe? 

 

If the respondent refuses to appear to court what else can be done?

 

Can the respondent be silent till the exparte orders and then start harassing?