(Guest)

Please help me in handling mental harrasment

Dear Sir, I am Murali, 34 Age and married to my wife (Kalpana) in 2007 and presently having 2 kids (Ages: 4 years & 2 months)

From the begining we had few ups and downs in the marriage but now it has peaked up after the birth of my second child.

I am working as a s/w engineer. My dad is a retired Teacher and mom is a house wife. This is brief about me.

My Wife is 2nd daughter from a big family of 4 gals and one boy child. Her dad is a retired Treasury officer and her mom is a house wife. They are from a nearby city (130 kms from Hyderabad)

Till date, we had two big fights and two times, I only arranged for counselling for two times..once with DSP of our district and other time, a caste meeting. Both times, they (my wife's family) agreed to be good with me but they didn't value their tongue.

Major issues I am facing now are:

1) Frequent lying and they say something which hurts alot and later they say that I have not said like that..

ex: They quote me as a drunkard, womenizer, a mental patient, wife abuser...etc..where as I am a occasional drinker (may by 10 times a year..at the max)

2) My wife says I never done any shopping for her more than 300 INR. (This is completely a false statement..She used to purchase 2 dresses for every festival and each dress costs min of 1200/-)

3) They complain that I always talk to my mom and that too 24 hrs...(Actually my wife does that..as she always stay at home and she is having more probability than me..as I work for a s/w firm, I used to be in office for 10 hrs + and how can i spend time on phone with my mom)

4) As my wife is taking rest for the last one month, still she is expeting everything to be done by mom for her..like cooking, serving to her, taking care of two kids..and even my mom doing her best but she is expecting alot from my mom...and slowly we asked her to start small working etc..

5) Then my wife called her mother and she started abusing my dad in my absence..my dad even got chest pain for this...

6) My wife's dad even went a step ahead and complained to police about dowry case but police were good enough and said go away...how can u say about dowry when you both came to the police station and they are not at all leaving your daughter and taking care of your daughter and here you can understand their attitude...

7) For the past 6 years, they just come our home..when I am not around and take away their daughter (my wife) and it hurts me alot...I requested my wife not to go like that..but she never listens to me and even her parents say...what ever happens lets see...just come along with us..this is the attitude of her parents....

8)They contineously asked me to get a job for their 3 rd daughter who has completed her degree..and i said i am a private firm employee and I cant influence etc..but they used my wife and even she also tried but could not worked out.

Sir, I request is there any way to stop this and at the same time, they should not put any case on me to be seperated from my parents as my parents are dependent on me.

last but not the least, they had given 3 Lakhs at the time of marriage and we did all the marriage as they are from village and said that they dont have relatives at my place so we had taken care of all the marriage activities.

I could not write more as it is a mail and please understand my issue and please guide me what can be done in my case.

Now a days, my wife is constantly asking for divorce and even she is threatening and blackmailing that she would come to my office and sit infront of my office..etc..I actually fear as I got a good name in the office and even awards for my best work here.

Sir, Actually I have a plan to bring all the family to hyderabad after 6 months once we sell all our property in our place (that is also a distric head quarter, 70 kms from Hyderabad)

Sir, please help me as I am getting lot of pressure from office, home etc and not able to cope with this...

I hope, this might give you a fair idea about my situation.

Thank you very much for the kind support and your time.

Regards,

Murali

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8 Replies

kumar101 (clerk) 11 April 2012

Join the local Save India Family Foundation group -> saveindianfamily.org . There you will meet similar persons who are being harassed by wife . Meet and share

You need to decide what you want to do ?

a) Go for divorce

b) Live with abusive wife

Nandha (NIL) 11 April 2012

Dear Muralidhar,

Sorry to know that you are also facing problem in your marriage.

A Lot of experts are there in this forum, who can guide you. But before that, you have to be sure what you wanted to do.

If you have decided not to continue your life with your wife, then proceed in that direction. Experts will advise you and then you can approach your local lawyer.

Out of my experience, I can only advise that once your wife had no respect for you or your family members, and she has already taken the legal whip by going to police station etc., then there is no point in continuing a troublesome marriage. You cannot find peace at any point in your life and there is no possibility. Better quit it. Agree for divorce.

There's a proverb, "if a cloth falls on a bunch of thorns, or bunch of thorns falls on a cloth, when you try to pull out the cloth, the damage is only for the cloth". That's case in divorce proceedings. Either husband applies for divorce or wife applies for divorce, but the damage is always to the husband.

If you really want to find peace, you may follow these steps:

1) Return the money of Rs.3,00,000/- (in form of cheque/ DD) under a note stating that "the money borrowed during marriage function is returned with 'Thanks'". Send it through Registered AD to your Father-in-laws house. Keep the acknowledgement copy. Prepare the list of jewels she brought during the wedding time and jewels bought after wedding. If you have possession of any of her jewels, just return it to her with some witness or despoit those jewels in bank locker, in her name.

2) Talk to your wife that you wanted to apply for Mutual Consent Divorce and tell her how you would like to make the settlement for her and your two kids. You are lucky that your wife is asking for divorce. Go for it.

3) In case you feel that your wife is greedy, then quit your job for the time being. Find a job with less salary, but which gives rich experience. Keep your salary as low as possible. Your kids might not need more than 10,000/- per month. AGree to pay for that. But contest for paying for your wife, if she files maintenance case.

4) In case, if you expect that she might file 498a, DV etc., take the advice from the experts of this forum. Thereafter, approach your local lawyer.

Tnxz,

Nandha.

Vishwa (translator) 11 April 2012

I fully second the advice given by Shri Nanda. Disengage, move forward.

SAINATH DEVALLA (LEGAL CONSULTANT) 11 April 2012

Dear Mualidhar,

I was just brooding over after going through your query,what to reply?Suddenly I found Nandhaji's reply.He is our old querist with another thread.I just don't want to give a hurried suggestion as I feel ,initially all these started due to lack of proper communication,between the husband and wife,husband and inlaws and inlaws vs inlaws.

SAINATH DEVALLA (LEGAL CONSULTANT) 11 April 2012

Dear Muralidhar,

Your issues from (1) to (4) can be rectified and they are quite common in families.These are only due lack of proper understanding. ( 5 and 6) are deplorable,as elders your inlaws acted in a manner contrary to elderly behaviour.This you can solve by some mediation by both sides.Relatives and common friends can be involved in the mediation. (7 and 8) are also not so alarming, can be repaired.

Now comming to your wife's decision for a divorce,I feel that the happennings have created a sense of supremacy over you in her.Still I aam of the opinion good councelling by family councellors can solve your problem. If that does not succeed ,then you have to plan for the ultimate.So please don't take any hasty decisions,which will certainly have an impact on your children.

SRINIVASA PRASAD Warangal A.P (LEGAL PRACTIONER ) 11 April 2012

U married in 2007, having two children and quarrelling on petty issues.

Sit together and in a peaceful mood n analyse the issues without boiling ur minds.

Take the help of psychologist. Do not enter into legal battle. When I read ur story, I feel there is a gap in between u. She needs more affection n attention then u r giving. She wants seperation from ur parents and privacy.

Cool ....... Don't hurry ................ good luck

SAINATH DEVALLA (LEGAL CONSULTANT) 12 April 2012

Rightly adviced by Mr.Srinivas.For every domestic problem,why should either the wife or the husband run after courts spending tons of hard earned money.As an advocate I should not say these things.But I feel reconcialation between the husband and the wife is the best possible solution.Don't bother about your parents or relatives.It is you both who have agreed to get married.It is your bonded duty to stay together as long as you live.Quarrels and misunderstandings are common in life.But we have to have a retrospect of the past and try to overcome them.

BEST OF LUCK

Nandha (NIL) 14 April 2012

Dear Mr. Muralidhar,

Ld. lawyers have given their advice which you may follow.

From your profile and your post above, i understand you must be from a typical middle class South Indian family. In such a family no one has a personal life like the upper class of the society - where the husband enjoys parties with his friends and wife goes out in her own car and enjoys parties with her own circle.

In a typical middle class family, husband & family are always expected to be together and in any occasion, wife is expected to be a step ahead in taking up family chores. Based on this thinking, it seems you have married a girl from a village who can be upto your middle class expectations. But she turned out to be something else.

Secondly, when your father-in-law has already stepped into police station and he will make frequent visits even if you show a bit of frustration to your wife.

Thirdly, when your wife has started asking for divorce then there is no need think twice. You said you are facing mental harrasment, and she is trying to end the marriage, then what's left in your marital life???? Only the children..

Be a good father to your children by fullfilling their needs. Be bold, speak out your decision, talk your wife and her family members through some common respectable elders of both the families. Settle the matter amicably.

All the best,

nandha