Exclusive HOLI Discounts!
Get Courses and Combos at Upto 50% OFF!
Upgrad
LCI Learning

Share on Facebook

Share on Twitter

Share on LinkedIn

Share on Email

Share More

aflatoon dash (health)     01 October 2010

UNDERSTANDING YOUR DIFFICULT SPOUSE

HOW TO HANDLE A DIFFICULT SPOUSE

 

 

Most of us have experienced some confusion and despair dealing with a spouse, other family member or close acquaintance. Several times we do not know how to handle them as we cannot see the reason the person behaves so unreasonably. They become angry with us about things over which we have no control. We cannot seem to understand why they blame and punish us for things that happen to them that were not our responsibility. They seem helpless and bitterly angry at the same time. We feel sad confused and trapped in our relationship with them.

 

 

 It is essential to understand some fundamental things about them.

 

 

1-They passively resist fulfilling routine obligations and have become quite skilled at procrastination and the accompanying excuses. They plan but have great trouble following through with decisions. Big plans but not much action seems to be their "modus-operandi."

 

 

2-They continually complain that they are misunderstood and not appreciated by others. They remind you over and over again of all the things they have to do with no help from you or anyone else. They continually express anger that "No one seems to appreciate all that they do for them."

 

 

3-They are often sullen, argumentative and melancholy about insignificant details and will let "bigger issues" go unresolved. They blow up at you over some small detail but do something more severe themselves and expect you to overlook their behavior and accept it as quite normal and understandable.

 

 

4-They unreasonably criticize and scorn others and regularly interpret events around them as others "trying to sort them” They complain that people in household / neighborhood are jealous of them and they are “victimized

 

 

 

5-They voice exaggerated and unsubstantiated complaints about their misfortune in life/spouse and are often found not to tell the truth. They are convinced they are NEVER to blame for any misfortune that has happened to them. They really do believe what they are saying is the truth and will deny any evidence you show otherwise as "lies fabrications,distortions or half truths"

 

 

6-They alternate between being hostile and defiant and then in the next moment will surprise you by being sweet and accommodating if challenged.

 

 

If your spouse you are dealing with have at least FOUR of the above qualities? Then you are dealing with a passive-aggressive person who is carrying a great deal of unresolved personal pain.

 

 

 Some potential solutions to handle difficult spouse and save your marriage

 

 

 

1-CLARIFY YOUR EXPECTATIONS

 

 

You want all conversations and agreements to be as concrete as

possible. Keep notes, memos, call records. Passive-aggressive LOVE to say, "No you didn't," and "I never said that You are lying!”You are misunderstanding me.

 

 

2-EXPECT RESULTS

 

Don't accept, excuse, or reward poor performance. Expect more than an apology for a mistake. Remember, the passive-aggressive is so full of self-pity that they think they should be able to commit any crime against you and you should forgive them just because they are more deserving of sympathy than others.

 

 

3-BE OPEN MINDED AND AVOID DEFENSIVENESS

 

 

If some of their complaints have merit, then acknowledge that fact.

 

 

4-BE FAIR

 

Remember the Word to say sorry when you are wrong but don’t apologize excessively don’t feel guilty that you are causing them misery and don’t feel that you are responsible for their miseries. Be fair to them as well as to yourself.

 

 

5-GRACIOUSLY CHALLENGE DISTORTIONS AND UNTRUTHS

 

 

Note discrepancies between what the person has said and documented facts. They are master at deception and lying.

 

 

In our observations over the years, passive-aggressive are ruled by four characteristics.

 

 

FIRST, THEY ARE RULED BY ANGER

 

 

Unresolved anger is why they are powder kegs and can go off with no notice like a time-bomb. They can smell fear and see it in your eyes and it makes them attack even more.

 

 

DEAL WITH THIS PERSON THROUGH SELF-RESPECT AND SELF-CONTROL . Look their anger in the eye and remain calm and poised. Don't let them get the best of you. They begin to win when you get emotional or when shouting starts and you become defensive and angry at their inconsiderate behavior.

 

 

SECOND, THEY ARE RULED BY INSECURITY

 

 

This is why they will backstab and lie and say one thing to you and something else to another. They are attempting to manipulate the circumstance to their benefit. They feel out of control and this is one way they feel they can regain control that they have lost..

 

 

DEAL WITH THIS THROUGH GENTLE CONFRONTATION

 

Remember man who is without self-control is like a house that is broken down and without walls." Gently tell them, but TELL THEM!

 

 

THIRD, THEY ARE RULED BY COMPLACENCY

 

 

. They are convinced that if others would listen to them and perform more effectively around them that they would be more successful.

 

 

DEAL WITH THIS THROUGH PERSONAL ENTHUSIASM

 

 

Stay focused on the things that matter to you the most. Do not miss your quiet time with your inner peace. It will center your spirit and give you a clear mind. Be a source of joy to all around you. Do not let this dysfunctional person steal your joy and make you believe you are not a good person because they are miserable. You cannot solve all of their problems.

 

 

FINALLY, THEY ARE RULED BY FEAR

 

 

They have become so fearful that they cannot make decisions and do not trust anyone. "If you want to get something done, you have to do it yourself." They believe they are constantly dealing with stupid people who don't understand as much as they understand. They live in fear which is manifest by a total lack of trust of those that are closest to them.

 

 

DEAL WITH THIS THROUGH PERSISTENCE

 

 

You must not give up on what you believe is right. If you cannot change the situation then change the yourself and lower your expectations from spouse.

 

 

FINALLY

 

 

It is our strong suggestion that you ask your spouse to go with you to a professional Psychiatrist The pasive-aggressive person will not take the lead because they think YOU NEED HELP and they don't. You must take the first step. Remember, this person has become who they are through a series of personal experiences of pain and grief. Tell the spouse that you both need to work on your marriage as things are not going well.

 

Aflatoon

 

 



Learning

 9 Replies

aflatoon dash (health)     01 October 2010

Prabhakar

  1. There are two things when dealing with them(difficult spouse) one is your proper  understanding of their behaviour and second what you should be doing .
  2. Now dont expect their behaviour to change much beyond their saying sorry.They will say sorry and yet repeat the same behviour again and again .They are programmed that way .They may say things on face value but will again repeat the same behiviour .Which if you due to excessive dseire to please them so that your relationship is smooth and reward them by excessive pampering or saying sorry or buying things beyound your affordable means then your relationship with the difficult spouse will be precipitated towards doom.
  3. When dealing with the difficult spouse be fair to them when you make any mistake .Be prepared to accept it .Dont feel guilty or sad that because of the "particular mistake by you the relationship is going sour.Difficult spouse is such that they will take advanage of your mistake and blow it out of proportion minimizing thier own role .This is thier common modus operendi.Induce guilt shame anger in loving spouse and carry on in the relationship till you are able to control it .They are "control freaks"'.
  4. Your idea of sucessful marriage expressed in the para is partly true.You are talking of the healty relationship where partners have mutual trust respect love and healthy give and take .I am talking of difficult spouse .They are difficult to handle ,difficult to live with and difficult to survive  with.
  5. Its like I am talking of "Pumpkin" you are talking of "water melon"
  6. I hope i am clear.

             Aflatoon


(Guest)

Even Brahma, Vishnu Mahesh could never understand a woman's third character, how do you expect a husband to understand his spouse?

aflatoon dash (health)     01 October 2010

yes and well said .But tell me is it better to be feel sad confused and trapped and Face litigations   with your spouseor it is better to control the health of your relationship from your side .By the way what makes you think this article is only for men and woman are not victims.Dont be biased bond girl.HOW TO HANDLE A DIFFICULT SPOUSE is gender neutral dear.

Aflatoon

1 Like

(Guest)

I wuz just checking up to see if anyone can differntiate between a man and a woman lol!

aflatoon dash (health)     01 October 2010

there is no gender identity confusion Bondgirl.One can distingish .what confuses you?


(Guest)

Now you've got me all confused so much that I need to have X RAY vision;)

You tell me (Personal)     02 October 2010

This is awesome post. I think couples should go through counselling before marriage and understand how to handle situtation. I met many people who said their expectations are throwing into trash after marriage.

 

It is very crucial to discuss everything and set expectations before marriage.

aflatoon dash (health)     02 October 2010

you tell me ,

  1. I dont know what to feel when you say "This is awesome post"
  2. Yes you have avery valid point dont rush into   serious relationsip with other person due to superfecial charm.
  3. Discuss carreer,residence,household reole division,attitude towrds parents,attitude towards relatives,check for temper.check for aspirations.check for temperament,check for family background,check for divorce and 498 cases filles by/against the family.Look for educational background of parents and their placements etc .Spend time to know the person before letting your emotions get better hold of your logic.
  4. when watermelon falls on knife or when knife falls on water melon result is same.
1 Like

Leave a reply

Your are not logged in . Please login to post replies

Click here to Login / Register