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family first (Business head)     27 October 2012

Wife left 3 week back, says she will come back after an year

Respected Sirs,

Had put in a query earlier, however, go almost no reverts, hence this post.

This is my second marraige. (First wife  seperated by mutual consent.No financial exhanged ).

Five years later, I again got married to an office collegue, who is 6/7 years younger to me. We had a beautiful  baby girl in last year ( there were severe premature childbirth complications for which I incurred heavy expenses, but divine intervention managed to save her).

My wife, who was an absolute angel to start with, slowly showed her colours by demanding that she be taken to every foriegn trip that I go on for business (which I did when I could afford, as I was spending for her ticket and shopping), spending crazy amounts of cash on cosmetics and clothes, buying gold on my debit card while I was on travels etc.

After the recession, my career stagnated, and money became a bit tight, but remained steady.  My request that she atleast do some basic housework like  so that we dont spend on 2/3 maids, went unheeded, with full support of her mother.

After the birth of our baby, she came back from her mothers place after I visited her mothers place twice. Things were ok at best, with us sharing the bed only twice in 9 months, (she slept in the other room with the baby) total lack of any empathy or caring from her to me, even as I continued to shower all my love and (available) money on her and our baby.

One day during an argument she told me that I married her because I wanted to go to bed with a young girl, (she was 30 when we got married), and that I was too old for her.

I admit  that when she sometimes became too damanding, I did ask her to go at her mothers place, sometimes even a bit harshly ("get lost")  if she thought that I was not  a good enough provider / husband.

One constant point of contention between us is that she insists on having a 24 hour maid, while I find it a major drain on our income.  I have often explained to her that spending on a 24 hour maid with all the associated expenses, is a real drain on our saving, and that if she even starts doing some basic work like cooking 2 meals a day, we can save a lot.

I must  record that she is a devoted and very committed mother, and my baby is very very well taken care of, so long as she has her maids.

Around 2 weeks back, she left for her mothers place for the festival season, and things were ok for 3/4 days, with her calling me to talk to me about our baby and general things.

But things suddenly changed in the last 10 days with her absolutely not keeping any contact, and being quite rude even when I called.

Even when I was abroad, she did not make any attempts to keep in touch, telling me international sms is very costly ( while she spoke to her mother on STD on my money for hours every day)

When I spoke to her yesterday night, after chasing her for for 2 days, here is what she had to say:

1. That she plans to find a job in  her mothers town, and work there for any year, as it will help us save money. ( I must add that I have already tranferred enough cash to her account to take care of her and our child, and told her that I shall do so every month.) NOW she says she does not want any money from me.

2. That the only condition on which she will come back even after that is if double my salary  in an year, else she will admit my daughter to a school there.

3. That she would rather gladly sign divorce papers  than stay with me, if I insist that she come back.
(when I asked her "whats the point  of being married if we are not together?)

I dont see too much help forthcoming  from her family, as they support her in all her illogical demands.

I dont know if I am just panicking too soon, or should actually see this as the start of something more disturbing.

I love and miss my wife and baby, and want them back,  and am doing everything possible to provide for them.

Would really appreciate any  perspetive and guidance from the learned forum experts.



Learning

 19 Replies

stanley (Freedom)     27 October 2012

1. Your wife seems to be the dominating type .

2. you have fallen in love with her head over heels .

3. Never let your heart rule over your mind . 

4. I would rather say she was after your money rather than the love she had for you . A good wife does not see money as the first criteria rather in good times and bad times a good wife supports you . 

5. As you say your good wife is younger to you she must be assuming she is Miss India as you have over showered her with your love and in return have got nothing  . 

5 . Wether you provide her or not she would have to be provided legally by law .

6 . see how things work out between the two of you the only possibility would be you can continue loving your baby and she cant stop you from that .If things dont work out you can  apply for custody of your daughter .

Last but not the least " If wishes were horses beggars would ride " 

May God Bless you .

Sanjeev (Lawyer)     27 October 2012

If you miss your wife and baby than you have to take some steps yourself and try to bring them back. Money not more important than a good personal life even if it comes at a cost. If your wife wants to have a full time maid and you I think can afford get her one whats the use of saving money if you dont have a satisfying personal life.

Resolve the diifferences mutually and get her back there are no legal solutions to your problem and you would never get a satisfying reply here.

vijay (M)     27 October 2012

Very rightly pointed out Stanley & Sanjeev.  Indian legal system does not provide for any relief to men at all.  But if demands of the wife go on increasing like this then you are in for bigger trouble.  Sit down with a good friend who knows law and thrash it out.

Adv.Bhagwan K Taur (Legal Advisor)     27 October 2012

What ever happened previosly, let it be now.....Now onwards, I think you have to least the abroad business trips so that you can give them time. For a succesful marriage the WIFE has to take lead for better future. The up and downs to be there.You both have to think about the bright future of your baby. Take out  your wife from her parents so that she would defer from such thinking. Try to understand her with great thought of togetherness.

Tajobsindia (Senior Partner )     27 October 2012

Actually yours is not a grave brief, reason being some fine tweaking here and there may get the matrimonial harmony re-established at your home. Also the more you ponder over the current events the more negative thoughts will cloud your judgment and it is not that you cannot afford all these and also remember what is a indian metro wife if she is not little pampered for THAT HARMONY !

Hence you did not get the response earlier that your EARS wanted to hear from legal experts.

Gone are the old days do you remember your mother working 24 X 7 now the metro times have come of maids competing with housewife’s for share of 10-20% of husbands (their maliks / seths) salary for all the house works now-a-days which actually these maids do. Hence, now being Employer to two women’s in your married life (housewife and maid) you judge their weekly – monthly – yearly appraisals and act accordingly it is as simple as that way of marital harmony life in today’s times if one wants to come out of medieval mindsets and safeguard onceself from legal traumas and clipped foreign travels !

Tweak little bit and you will see baseline harmony returning back to track which a mature spouse (age wise) brings on table to keep immature (age wise) spouse happy.

2 Like

vijay (M)     27 October 2012

Tweak little bit and you will see baseline harmony returning back to track.

The crux of what Tajobsindia said:  "Tweak little bit" ... means bend down a bit more.

"baseline harmony"  with emphasis on Baseline.  forget the topline

family first (Business head)     30 October 2012

Dear Sirs,


Thank you so much for your guidance and advice.

Tajobsindia Sir: In fact MOST of  the responses I got were exactly what my ears did want to hear ;  That I will need to understand todays social and legal realities for ensuring a peaceful matrimonial life, even if my logic may say otherwise.

I salute you all with gratitude for blessings and good wishes, and have already started taking measures to arrive at a peaceful resolution to our conflict, and swallow my pride if needed.

 

thanks again

 

family first (Business head)     22 December 2012

Dear Sirs,

A quick update and request for advice.

I have had multiple talks with my wife, and even recorded most of them. IMHO she seems to be having major mood swings, what I mean is sometimes she will talk very rudely, and then when  I stop calling, she will tell he that the earlier day her mood was off because some family member was sick on her mothers side or something like that.

At other times, on chat she has proposed that we take a short vacation together, if I come to her hometown.

One common thing is that she chases me on phone whenever she knows that she needs money, and once I send it, she talks to me rudely after that, or if i ever ask her to come back home.

Important: : As adviced by learned experts on this forum, (I have been sending her more that 10 k every month, for the upkeep of her and our baby girl).

Cut to a week back, when she incessantly started calling me for money as she had some function to attend. I sent her the required money yesterday, and called her to tell her that while I have sent her the money, its tough for me to maintain 2 households, as my salary was running late in the past couple of months.

She went crazy and told me that she has not asked me to send it, and that her mother is paying for her and our baby's upkeep, which is a lie becoz I send her money only thru bank transfer, which reflects in my bank statement, and also know thru our common personal banker that she withdraws it with her ATM card every time.

She then tells me that if I have a problem sending her a small amount,we will have conflicts if she comes back and hires a 10000 Rs maid.

She also told me that I should stop sending her money, and that she wants me to come to her hometown with her gold, and court papers. I told her that if she wants the gold, she can come here and collect it whenevr she wants, but I will continue to fight to save our marraige at all times. To which she replied that she does not want to fight for our marriage any more.I have recorded this conversation also.

When I realised that this was going nowhere, I sent her an sms saying that whenever she says these hurtful things, i only see the hurt behind it, and will try to make it better, and just believe in our future.

Her reply: Its good to see that people who made us fight are now enjoying (I had lent some money to my sister 2 years back which she has returned also) r ejoying with their own family. n u have no place between them (she thinks I have broken relations with with my sister) u r all alone today, with nobody at your side, not even family, and many more days to go. and now you dont have any place between US, U deserve this, take care.

My questions:

1. She seems to be in a vindictive frame of mind...what should be my next course of action...do i need to visit her place...can that have any adverse consequences like her accusing me of harassment?

2. On and off she keeps saying that she will return in time to start our baby's schooling, but on and off also tells me that she will admit her to a school there...so she wants her foot in both the boats.

3. Should I keep sending her money inspite of the fact that I have recorded conversation where she has said I should not.?

4. While she has absolutely no grounds for claiming any kind of DV (except for times when I have told her that if she keeps spending on maids like she does, we will not have any savings left) , and minor arguments, do I need to take any steps to protect myself legally?


thank you

 

 

family first (Business head)     26 December 2012

Dear Sirs,

A small development. My wife informed me on sms that she plans to close the account where I have been transferring money every month for my daughters and her upkeep.


She does NOT have a job till now, so I have no idea how she's planning to feed our baby.

Please advice urgently.

 

family first (Business head)     15 February 2013

Dear Sirs,

 

A quick update. Wife has  got a small job in her hometown. Her mother, whom i spoke to, and her sister says she will definately come back, but are not willing to give any dates. I have been regularly sending her money, which my wife uses withdraws from her ATM card(I have her bank statement). I have consistently tried to keep in touch with my wife, and even she sent me a birthday card, saying she loves me, and some other emotional crap (why i say this is becoz the minute I ask her to come back, she again starts ranting and telling me that she was mistreated (basically becoz I objected to her overspending on maids) I went to the extent of telling her what I earn, and where we spend, and how much remains, and that whatever remains, is for her to spend on the household. She sends me an excel sheet, saying we need 20 K, over and above our monthly disposable i more to meet our "basic" needs. Needless to say, around 15K of her proposed expenses were maids, another 5K was beauty parlours and cosmetics. When I asked her, where do I spend money more than what I earn, she tells me to sell the house, buy another smaller one so that we have a lower EMI, and then give her the extra money.

I want to know the follwing:

1. Since I dont know whre this is going, but my wife is definately not making sense, can I produce copies of all the chats and emails, and all the phone calls I have recorded, where she has clearly states " I WILL NOT COME BACK" with her unreasonable demands as proof of her just not wanting to cohabit with me?

2. I have an EMI for a homeloan which is almost 70% of my monthly income (actually, my salary cut happened after I got the homeloan, so in %age terms, it was 50% earleir, but became 70% after my salary cut.) Again, worst case scenario, Can I hence produce my sal sheet, and home loan payments, as proof if she asks for some insane amount as maintenance?

Please forgive me if i seem to be jumping the gun....also want to state that I DONT want a divorce, but merely looking for advice on how to handle the worst situation should it happen.

 

thanks

 

Never Give Up (Fighter)     15 February 2013

She is using you as ATM. At this moment she has access to all resources as well as all freedom as she does not have to perform any duties towards immediate family. C'mon man what more modern wives want ? Why would she want to change the situation , i hope you see my point.

 

If you want to see ground reality , stop sending monthly maintenance for 2-3 months, or send amount which is suitable for your kid's upbringing.

 

1 Like

Msk-need -nuetral- laws (self)     15 February 2013

agreed with " never give up"


(Guest)

My words would be the same as NEVER GIVE UP

 

 

She is using you as ATM. At this moment she has access to all resources as well as all freedom as she does not have to perform any duties towards immediate family. C'mon man what more modern wives want ? Why would she want to change the situation , i hope you see my point.

 

If you want to see ground reality , stop sending monthly maintenance for 2-3 months, or send amount which is suitable for your kid's upbringing.

 

family first (Business head)     27 February 2013

Can I please have some views from the learned legal experts on this please?

Please please help! I have completely run out of ideas.


thanks


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