How to make him undertand the right and wrong!!!


Dear Sir,

My life is in a complete fuss. I  got married in 2009, have a son of 4years. 

I am not living with my husband from past 1 year, but he will call every  week once to talk to my son. 

he has made my life a hell. In 6 years of married life he has never even fulfilled my basic life's requirement. his issue is that, only if I surrender my life to his mother only than he will take care of me.

and his Mother is a devil, who wants me to be a slave at her disposal all the time.

now the same game he is playing with my son, he says directly - that i will not here any compalint against dadi and only if u  listen to dadi, i will love u otherwise  i will not talk to u. he is playing with little childs emotions also.

I am a qualified Company Secretary. have left my job for getting married to him and surrenderd all my dreams and started my married life in 2009 but since then i am in a hell. from last 1 yr i left him and came to my parents place and started a new life, resumed my job and taking care of my child in fulfledge , including his school fee and everything. my husband has not given me any kind of support. now suddenly after 1 yr he is sending toys for my son every now and then and trying to pamper him saying papa loves u and u have to love dadi and then papa will give u more gifts.

he misbehaves with everyone at my home be it my father or mother and me.

All problem is beacuse of his mother and 2 sisters, who always keep him surrounding and keep telling him negatives in me. his mom at very first time after my marriage said to me, " u better listen to what all i say and act accordingly, otherwise c i am not going to die for another 20 years and i will make your life a hell" and exactly the same thing she is doing.

i and my husband never ever spend any time together, we are not allowed to he will come to bedroom only at time of sleeping and he will sleep. whenever i try to talk to him, he will shout like a dragon and goes away. on all holidays he will take his mother and/or sister either to a relative's place or some other place. 

Even if i think of divorce, i feel how will i manage my time and money. now i have to work to earn my and my son's livehood. after so much of break in my job i am facing difficulty in office also to work.along with office i need to give sufficient time to my son also, his expenses also i need to meet, his demands and all.

what shud i do in my life. how shud i go further in my life, so i can give my son a better living and away from all tensions and chaos.

pls help me.

regards.

shewtha

 

 

 

 

 
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Lawyer

Shwetha,

Problems shared by you on this legal forum are not legal issues, but are personal issues, which can be sorted out by you and your husband.

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You should have to sit with your husband/ family members and try to solve this family issue amicably. Further, if you think it is not possible, then you can go for legal remedy, i.e. MCD.

 
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Retd Sr Director Govt of India/ Advocate

1) Take the assistance of senior experience elders of your family/ friends and discuss with your husband to sort out amicably.  Also take the advice of a reliable experienced lawyer in family law. 

 

2) Have you introspected yourself whether your view of thinking is correct.  Also first empathise your husband and try to sort out.

 

3) Since you are a well qualified lady, while parental cannot be totally be severed at once with some people, by the time they realise retitution of marital relations will be too late which fact the husband should also understand.

 

4) Thereafter the legal recourse always exists as a last resort.

 
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Business

Indecisiveness in matrimonial problems always results in a "complete fuss."  You need to think hard, consult your elders and your very close friends/relatives and DECIDE: Do I want to be with this man and his family or not?. Take that decision and stand by it VERY FIRMLY. Take action that supports that decision. In the decision you take, continue marriage or divorce, there will be hard sacrifices to be made.  Be ready to make them and then make them!


For example, if you decide to continue with your marriage, you need to kind of surrender to your inlaws or learn to live with their idiosyncracies because you cannot change them or their behavior. Are you ready to do so? If you decide to divorce, you will have to deal with it in society, financial issues, residence, impact on your son, your own family, etc.


So, Shweta, take a decision but not a hasty one. Then decide what legal steps you need to take, if any, to support that decision. If you wish to continue with your marriage, do not take any legal steps because that will be inconsistent with your decision.  You cannot file a DV or a criminal case and expect your marriage to be fine and danddy. On the other hand, if you choose the divorce path, do your own reading on the available basis for seeking divorce and ensure that your petition reflects the truth which you can support with evidence.  PLAN THOROUGHLY AND KEEP YOUR LEGAL FIGHT SIMPLE WITH END-GOALS PRE-DETERMINED AND LIMITED.

 

 


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advocate

Consider all the above options and being a very educated and lady in good profession, you can judge what you want.  Only on one thing, I want to throw light.  Why your husband found new love towards the son of 4 years, after 4 years, and is raining gifts with a promise of more and more of them, and forces the son to love Dadi?  He is getting legal advice.  As per law, father is the natural guardian and after five years, his rights over child custody strengthens. So, now he is preparing to file custody case and to strengthen his case before the courts, incessant poring of toys and other gifts, regular weekly talks with the child.  Till four years, he has not contributed financially for the needs of child.  So, understand  the situation, and I am not advising this way or that way and consider all options before you.  Before parting, I say that courts are conscious enough to know how parents fight with each other for the custody of the child(ren), not for the welfare of the children, but to harass the other spouse and to gratify the egos.  So, courts always grant custody to the parent with whom the child's welfare rests and other spouse will be given visitation rights.

 
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Thank you Sirs for your valuable points. Samir, I cannot at any cost surrender my self to my inlaws. Instead I would prefer ending my life at once compared to dyeing every day. At the moment instead of thinking anything negative I am just concentrating on my job and trying to get settled well, so that I have some financial power in my hand. I have surrendered completely to God. I don’t have father-in-law so my husband is completely at his mother’s side irrespective of what ever she does. That’s why she always keep taking his sympathy saying I have no one except u, I am all alone. I have made so may sacrifices raising u this and that. She allows him to go to only her relatives i.e. her sisters and her daughters who all keep feeding him, take care of ur mom she is all alone. He is not allowed to sit with me to talk at any time, neither to any of my friend or relative. Even if my son asks him to come to our place he says I will bring dadi also. And I know if she comes there can never to a positive solution to any issue. She doen’t want issues to get resolved, instead she is happy that she is able to create so much of distance between me and my husband. I cannot at this stage afford a divorce monetarily and I have no man’s support. I cannot drag my old father in all this. I have no brother of my own. I am leaving everything on god and moving on. Let him file any case if he wants. We are in different cities so he doesn’t even visit us. If god has destined us together, leaving everything on time. I am hoping things to get sorted on its own. If we have to get separated, then let him take the steps first. I will go as per the need of time. Thanks once again for your advices. Regards, Shwetha
 
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Business

I am an atheist, compared to the overly religious Hindu family I was raised in, but if you believe in God, "ending my life" should not be part of your vocabulary, even mental, let alone written. A son needs a mother more than maintenance or father. Suicide is the biggest sin a mother of a young child can commit. Connect with other women who are in similar situation. Get yourself a brother in your life, perhaps a distant cousin who cares or even someone unrelated who would have purely brotherly feeling of care.


 And if living with your inlaw is not an option, then you need to take a firm decision on that notwithstanding whether you want to divorce or not. Putting an end to indecisiveness will relieve a LOT of your pain.


 

 

 
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Retd Sr Director Govt of India/ Advocate

1) Wait just for some time as stated by you.  Pray God to give strength and energy to tide over the present situation.  Things will settle.

 

2) In this current mental state prudent decisions are difficult to be taken.  Time only solves the problem.

 

3) Certainly your husband whose bondage is so undetachable as stated by you, who would certainly understand as time fades away such attachments and ultimately you have to come to his rescue for many years of life.

 
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to my surprise..my husband came to my place after an year on my son's birthday. with lots and lots of gifts for son. he came a day before his b'day and went to a hotel for night stay and then came on the birthday and in afternoonn left for his place.

he asked me what have i thought of future, whether i will come back with his or not. And I said him clearly that I cannot live under anyone's dictatorship. i want respect from you, so that tommorrow my child also respects me. if you hit me or abuse me in front of everyone, i cannot live with you. he showed me as if he is not interested in me but only my son.

he therethen my mom n me that if i don't return asap he will file divorce and will take away my son from me thru court.

but the thing is if i return also, i will have to lead a mesurable life. he says we have no relation u will return for the sake of child. and for him his mother and sisters are god, irrespective of whatever they do. and he is trying to teach the same to my child saying dadi is god. you have to listen to each and every commannd of hers.otherwise u will get no toys and papa will not talk to you never love you. all this tourcher will happen with my son.

now i just want to know whether it is possible for him to take way my son from me. I have been taking care of my son since his birth or even before his birth. this man called his father never stood with us at the time of need. never goes to doctor for child. all his immunisation is done by my parents. his schooling i am taking care of . now since child is grown up, he is theretening me he will take off my child from me thru court. what remeady i can get from court.

child is innocent i never speak to him about all this, i don't want to kill his childhood.but this situations will definately affect him badly. 

how can i save my child from all this. please help me...

 
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xxx

Shwetaji, sorry to hear your case....

I think you should give a last try and put across a last option to your husband. When you do this it is with an intention to have a mid-way solution to the problem and not with conditions of one partner having an upper hand over the other

Option - Your husband accepts to stay in seperate flat with you and the little one. Not necessarily away in some other city but from THAT VERY house so that mainly KITCHENS are seperate. Since you are also well educated , both of you can manage the rent of a seperate flat which could be in the same area or in same building. You continue with your job and let the kid have a free access to the huasband's family. You should also respect your husbands family but however maintain distance mainly inorder to avoid conflicts. Your husband should realize that he has to give up his demand of making you bend to satisfy his needs

 

Give some time for husband to think, however if he doesnt budge then you have to take steps to unwind from the relationship. 

 

I somehow feel your husband is not a gone case....if he was so crooked he would have not visited you at all after seperation OR would have filed for divorce or had an affair elsewhere. he is hoping you would return back or rather surrender. And the fact remains that he needs both you and his kid.....no matter how much he would show in the negative.  Its an EGO battle/ power game.....and both of you are giving tough competition to each other.

 

Dont mind , put a hand on your heart and tell us do you not complain to your kid about your husband and his dadi....if yes, then husband is also reciprocating as he is at a bigger risk of losing his son as he is away from him.

 

All the Best !!

 

 

 


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